If Shiva gets angry the Guru can defend you, but if the Guru gets angry...

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Last  Tuesday night after arati, Maa called the kitchen and a long time disciple picked up the phone.  He held it out to me and and said it was for me.  I was surprised and happy, feeling quite pleased that Maa would call for me.  I get on the phone and in a sweet voice say something like Jai Maa, or Yes, Maa?    

And Maa sounds very upset with me.

She said that she walked into my room and saw it was a mess.  She said she keeps telling me Satyan Shivan Sundaram (Truth, Consciousness, Bliss) -  to make beauty and God will come.  And that I am not listening.  She said I can’t stay here anymore, I cant be a part of “us” anymore, and she slammed the phone down. 

I was stunned.  Just in a state of shock.

I didn’t know what to do.  I went into my room and cleaned it, and then I think I sat on my bed and looked at how nice it looked clean.  And the strange thing was, the room was filled with SHAKTI.  Everything was a little bit more colorful, a little more vibrant than how it usually visible to me.  It was like Maa and opened up some door of energy.  She opened the door to a vision of the deep connection between Guru-Disciple.  A relationship that carries through lifetimes, through the ages, through EVEVERYTHING.

For the first time I felt empowered to fight for something I wanted.  I was willing to beg and plead Maa to me stay…not just bow my head in compliance and walk away.

I saw a vision of where this path with them will lead, and I felt a pull in my soul towards a Guru Disciple relationship that is not one of  a perfectly subservient goody two shoes disciple, but of a strong yogini who is deep, strong, and independent. 

I saw a vision of lila – where the drama is not so colored over with the blackness of attachment and suffering, but is full of play and the wisdom of God’s eternal grace and compassion.

I felt all that.  And I knew I couldn’t leave.

I went out and stood in front of the temple.  It was cold and I stood out in the night air barefoot on the stone.  It actually felt good to be outside …..the stars over my head, the cold stone under my feet, the cold air hugging my body and the electrified anticipation of throwing myself at the feet of Divine Mother, begging Her to let me stay…. the electrified feeling of a connection to ancient gurus and an ancient path, combined with shock, disbelief,  and un-ignorable jolt to my consciousness, and an all-encompassing feeling of not knowing.

I didn’t know what to do.  I talked to Parvati in a state of more abandon and emotional openness than usual and exclaimed to her that I couldn’t leave.  I just couldn’t.  Parvati went to speak with Maa (as she said, she’s the “buffer”) and came back with Maa’s message that Swami would speak to me in the morning.

The next morning I chanted in the temple as usual and anticipated speaking with Swami throughout the course of the scripture.  Swami came in in the middle of my sadhana and sat down on his asana and chanted the Chandi.  I finished before he was done and got ready to leave to go to work.  From the kitchen I kept watching for him to come out of the temple as it was getting later and later, and I had to go very soon.  Finally, I saw him come out.  I ran after him, and hearing my footsteps he turned around.

He spoke to me with the sternness of a father who is disciplining his child.  He told me that I could stay because he convinced Maa to let me stay.  He said that he didn’t enjoy defending me, that he doesn’t like inviting people here only to have Shree Maa wondering why this person has come at all.

He said that they did not want to start with the basics….hygiene, keeping a clean room, combing my hair in the morning, not keeping socks under the bed (I don’t think I’ll ever live that one down…)  He also quoted the Guru Gita, saying, “If Shiva gets angry the Guru can protect the disciple.  But if the Guru becomes angry…”

I said I would do better and it would not happen again.  He said of course I wouldn’t because that would mean game over.

I guess it’s not game over yet.

Om Sri Gurave Namah, Om Nandeshwaraya Namah

Om Sri Gurave Namaha.

It is funny how humbling this whole adventure is.  I was SO SURE I wanted a guru – wanted to devote my life to a guru. Study under a guru.  Be with the guru.  Ultimately, become One with the Guru.  She shows me that in doing this I will be asked to make sacrifice.  Sometimes it feels so beautiful and magical, like how you imagine it would be with a Divine Guru.  Sometimes, it feels just plain hard and you realize that the reality is vastly different from the fantasy.  The guru doesn’t tell you what you want to hear.  She tells she what you need to hear.  

Maa and Swami’s path is truly a path of sacrifice.  Of renunciation.   From the beginning I have had thoughts of leaving.  Of going back to my old life in Vermont.  Having my parents buy me that house that they offered.  Opening a ayurvedic cafe or doing henna or something. But so much pain and great confusion comes from questions of leaving.   Great strength comes from the determination to stay – from making the decision to follow one and to stick to it, no matter what.

 Swami says, “It’s nto freedom from commitment, but freedom THROUGH commitment.”  May Divine Mother give me the strength to follow this path to its end.  May Shiva bless me with unwavering conviction.  Om Nandeshwaraya Namaha.  OM I bow to Nandi, Shiva’s vahana (vehicle), the Bull of Discipline.

[Ultimately I do not believe the the question of “staying” or “leaving” has to do with a physical location.  But at this point in my path that seems to be how the concept is most clearly manifesting.]

We have a Dalai Lama “Daily Wisdom” book at work.  One quote that seems particularly applicable is from October 24.  He says, “We speak of three different types of faith.  The first is faith in the form of admiration that you have toward a particular person or a particular state of being.  The second is aspiring faith.  There is a sense of emulation – you aspire to attain that state of being.  The third type is the faith of conviction” (The Path to Tranquility, 324).

I once read of Swami Yukteshwar’s kriya yoga path that the practices of kriya yoga are akin to speeding up the natural process of the soul’s evolution.  Astronomically speaking, this would mean that by performing a certain number of kriyas on a daily basis, one evolution around the sun becomes equivalent to many evolutions around the sun in the life of the practitioner.  Being around Maa and Swamiji, I feel like my soul has been put on a rocket ship and is going around the sun at speeds that are sometimes, to say the least, uncomfortable.  When my mind turns from them my ego relishes the break, but very quickly I long for their guidance and their gentle push.  I miss them, and I miss the intensity of being cooked in the pot of their vibrations.

I feel like a total failure a lot of the time.  I have a hard time even with the basics – eating a yogic diet, getting up early.  Becoming organized and efficient.  I feel like a yogic invalid!  I get grumpy and tired and resentful.  I can not imagine what it must be like for the Guru to be with us youngins – and to do so with such love.  What is it like for them?  What would it be like to live with that sat cit ananda – to become so established in truth and love.  To really attain to sannyas (the establishment of truth within).

Even in the midst of hardship the orange color of renunciation is a fire burning on the horizon.  The sadhus carry with them a certain presence.  A certain funkiness.  A purity of soul and self.  I can only pray for the strength to make that journey up the spine.  To beckon kundalini to bring me from bhur, the gross level of existence, to the cosmic OM.   

Om Bhur Bhuvah Svaha.  Om.

Spiritual Life

This journey is both magical and difficult.
and sometimes I feel it is hard to go on...

Om Guru Om Guru Om Guru OM.

Sometimes the temple is a haven,
Sometimes the temple seems house of my sin.

Where is my Guru?

This journey is both magical and difficult.
Shree Maa is the Queen of it all,
Swamiji shows the path to her abode.

JAI Sri Sri Guru, OM Sri Sri Guru.

This journey is both magical and difficult.
Sometimes my mind is filled with doubt,
Better when my heart is filled with song!

Om OM! Sri Guru.

Please, help! Lead me from this worldy path,
Bring me to the Goddess of All Vibration
and Submerge me in Her Bliss!

AAUUMMMM Sri Guru,

You are the One.

Evening Seva in the Temple with Maa

Maa tells me to remember Satyam Shivan Sundaram: Truth, Infinite Consciousness, and Beauty. (She also mentioned Satyan Shivam Sundaram to me the first time I ever visited the Temple, about a year ago.)

She says that when there is beauty, God is very happy, and Infinite Consciousness is coming.

Then we change Ganesha's outfit.  She wanted to make Him into a different form of Ganesha.  She says that Ganesha has 12 forms.  She is making Him into Mahotkota.  She said that Ganesha destorys all duality.  (I just looked up Mahotkota...He is an incarnation of Ganesha born to Kasyap Muni and Aditi who destroys two demons, Devantak and Narantak.  This Ganesha also is red in color, which is neat because Ganesha in the mandir, who we dressed up  and was made by Maa and Swami's own hands is also Red).

She keeps saying Mahotkota.  She is so Happy to to clean and dress Ganesha.  Almost like a little girl.  She twirls Ganesha's hair and we clean him a bit.  I help Her tie on his outfit and change His clothes.  It is so much fun to work with Her and also powerful and intense.  Doing anything with Maa is an experience of a lifetime.

We chant Ganesha's mantra together as we work, and She keeps telling me to be gentle.

People say She works so fast and efficiently....and its amazing, She does...but not in a rushing way.  The whole time She is so soft and still and gentle and full of love.  She always radiates love.  Its like She's the Sun.  Especially with her bright yellow sari.  Wherever She goes this warmth radiates from Her that warms your soul.

I try to ask her about Mahotkota, but all She says is that Ganesha destroys duality.  Swami probably would have spoken about the incarnation....but Him and Maa are different.  Maa really stays away from intellectual understanding.  She stays on the devotional side.  One time I tried to ask Her about a particular stotram and She said to ask Swami, She says, "I am not a pundit" and walks away.

She is beyond.

After Ganesha we change one Saraswati.  I am tired at this point.  Not just physically tired...but energetically tired.  Like I said, doing seva with Maa is an experience.  It is so intense, I almost felt like I could change another deity!  I wanted to relax! Being around Maa you have to stay in her bhava zone or else it doesn't work.  The ego doesn't want to do that.  It has to dissolve.

So we change one of the three Saraswatis on the cosmic altar, and then She tells me to pick out two more outfits for the other two Saraswatis so that She can use them later.  After that she joyfully tell us goodnight and leaves the Temple for the evening.

Everthing goes down a notch as soon as She leaves.  I help clean up the cloth and put away the boxes of the deity's clothes that we took out, and that evening I go through the clothing in the boxes, organizing and folding it, and find two outfits for Saraswati.  I felt an intuitive block....too focused on which outifts I "should" pick.  It didn't feel fun and free like doing seva with Maa.  And Maa did not end up using the outfits that I picked out.  And of course, what She used looked perfect.

She is truly a Goddess.

Jai Maa!  Jai Mahotkota!

First Talk with Shree Maa

First talk with Shree Maa in Her house.  She is so sweet!

I go into her room with her and She sits on the side of her bed with he feet on the floor.  I sit on the floor at Her feet.  I feel like I am in the innermost sanctum of the temple.  Maa is surrounding me.

First we talk about my goals in coming there.  We go up with two primary ones - Learning and Serving.  She also tells me to write up a schedule for the days that I will be at the Temple and to give it to her and one of her close disciples.

We talk about some seva that I will do, and then She tells me a recipe for Pongal - Shiva Rice - and says to make it today (Monday) because today is Shiva's day.

She tells me all the measurements except for salt.  She says that I have to do that for myself...She can not tell me how much I like.  For Her taste, it would be about a spoonful (She holds up her hand to gesture a spoonful). Then She smiles and says She will see how it turns out.  (She tastes it in the evening and says there is not enough salt.)

She asks me about my background and my parents.  She wants to see a photograph of them.  She also says to send their books to them and that they can watch the Devi Mandir webcam in order to know about Maa and Swami - who they are.

She says not so say that they are Hindu teachers, or that I am going to study to be a Hindu.  She says that She and Swami are not "Hindu."  They are Universal.  They teach everything.  They use Sanskrit because Sanskrit is the most efficient language by which to realize God.

She pauses and says, "Tell them we are human."  She has a smile and seems pleased with that description...like Shiva or Thakur (Ramakrishna) said it through Her and She is pleasantly surprised.  She chuckles.

Then She says that very few people serve Her selflessly, especially in the West.   She listed a few....it was a very small list.  "You understand?" She asks.

Swami Says

After the chanting the Chandi Path when I go up to Maa and Swami to get my blessing, Swami says:

"There is always more to do.  When you reach the limit, it's just the beginning.  That's Shiva.  You make it as good as you possibly can, and that's just the beginning.  Then you make it better."

Jai Guru.  Jai Shiva.