Something about renouncing.

Shiva is Mahayogi.  The Great Yogi.  The Lord of Yogis.  I don't think he ever allows self indulgence.  Indulgence into the self.  self-ish-ness.

Sometimes I feel so trapped in the lower chakras and trapped in my mind.  Really bound, you know?  It's a struggle and its a bummer.  And the crazy part is that I watch myself do it to myself....it's like a bad addiction or something.

For a long time I have felt like there are two sides to me:  one side is more sadhu like. Disciplined, determined, motivated, in love with sadhana, beautiful - the renunciate.  The other side is a fool - lazy, full of bad habits, so selfish, would rather be anywhere but the altar, always running here and there.  Running everywhere but the Here and Now.

I used to tell myself that all of the negativity would just fall away on it's own, but in my personal case I think that that line of thought is an utter cop out.  It gives the ego an out -- an out that makes it okay for selfishness to stick around.  I know I can't snap my fingers and all of a sudden drop all attachment and be enlightened.  I know there's a natural process.  But the whole way that Shree Maa relates to me seems to tell me that I have more power than I think I do.  That I have a choice.  That it is in my power to make the firm sankalpa to reach for perfection - for enlightenment - for Satyam Shivam Sundaram (Truth, Infinite Consciousness, Beauty).  To reach for only that.

This would mean that throughout the entire day you're renouncing every thought and every action that pulls you away from Divine Perception?  That would be like really living the Chandi.  The mind would have to stay so focused.

To not dot it is to hang your head and cower back into the corner.  To do it is almost more terrifying.

Mother, please bring our minds into focus and strengthen our will so that we may remain steadfast on the Path of Devotion.  Let our mind, actions, and desires all be in harmony - let them all be pure, and let those three work together to bring us to the Highest Goodness.

Jai Maa.  Jai Shiva.