Some time ago in the fall when it just starting to become cold, I noticed that some of the disciples wore turtlenecks as an underlayer. I do not know why this struck me -- perhaps because I used to wear turtlenecks and a child and hadn't since. Or because I appreciate the modesty of being covered all the way up to your chin.
Either way, I had a specific desire for a red turtleneck. Maa wheres a bright yellow sari with a red border (she looks to me like Simhavahini, the one who rides on a lion...she even looks like the lion itself with long flowing mane and all, fighting from the depths of her heart against all adharma). But she used with wear a white sari with a red border, as did Sarada Devi and Anandamayi Maa. This type of sari is a traditional Bengali tantric sari. It symbolizes shiva (pure consciousness - white) and shakti (pure energy - red).
Verse 45 from the Guru Gita states: "Worship the pair of the Guru's feet with speech, mind, and illumination of consciousness. He illuminates the various colors, white and red, indicating the Supreme manifestation of Shiva and Shakti (consciousness and nature).
So I had a desire for a red turtleneck. The next evening after arati when I came back to my asana ater polishing some untensils I would a red turtleneck from Maa tossed onto my asana.
It was an interesting time to give me a gift, though. Maa was't very happy with me that evening. She had scolded me, telling me that I wasn't working from my heart. And She asked pointedly, "What are you doing here?" saying that if I did not want to be part of this spiritual family that maybe I should only come on weekends. She also told me, regarding me, "If I see one more negativity, our doors will completely closed to you."
This was more than 8 months ago. Now I'm booted from the ashram for 3 months. And I never have figured out that statement. I do have negativities....a lot of them....if I didn't, I probably wouldn't need a Guru. Sometimes I feel like She wants me to be perfect. Just drop all my negativity and be perfect right now.
The thought of doing that seems impossible and it totally freaks me out and I want to have a panic attack and cry. The thought of not doing it and turning my back on my Gurus is also difficult to swallow but in a less dramatic and much deeper way.
Swamiji says, "She wants it all."
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Reflections on Swami Satyananda Saraswati
I found this photograph of Swamiji online. I love it because it's feels so upclose, like you're right there with him. And his eyes are so kind and wise. Like he is your favorite grandfather with all the knowledge in the world.
He is the one you feel safe with, and you love to be at his feet. You feel protected there. Like nothing can harm you. You sit there contentedly soaking in the stories of ancient rishis and devas. Sitting next to him chanting Sanskrit is your favorite place in the entire world to be.
He is your Beloved Guru. He is a Seer, a Sage, a Risi. He is Shiva and He is Brahma.
Watching him on Shivaratri 2012, even being in the same room with him was just amazing. A truly life-changing experience. There was so much love coming off of both Maa and Swami. Just radiating off of them in continuous waves.
Swamiji was, as one devotee put it, "On fire." His chanting was so electrified. Him and Maa were putting it out all out there, givin' it everything they got. That's what it seemed like to me at least. Sanskrit infused with the power of realization, the sincerity of one-pointed focus, and inner absorption in the infinity and sanctity of Love. They were cosmic radio transmitters - transmitting vibrations into the most subtle regions of our minds, bodies, and souls in order to wake us up.
To watch him seated on his asana chanting the scriptures at the fire - the 1000 names of Shiva, the Rudrashtadhyayi, Om namah shivaya - was to watch Brahma seated on the lotus of peace. Absorbed into the cosmic reality. Expounding the scriptures with with the innate authority of the One who is the source of scripture.
Some months later I listened to Swami describe what it is that he says during the saṅkalpa part of the pujas (where you hold a flower with your left hand, cover it with your right, and state who you are, where you are, and what you're doing). There's a part in the saṅkalpa where you say your name and your sadhu family name (gotra). When Swamiji performs worship he says "Satyananda gotra ca Bhavesh gotra" (ca is the Sanskrit word for "and").
He said that he began to add in Bhavesh gotra when he was inititated into Sannyas, and that that part of his lineage traces back to Brahma.
To learn more about Swamiji, visit www.shreemaa.org/meet-swami-satyananda-saraswati/
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
STOP! There's an asura in this assembly.
I feel like I am never good enough. I feel my impurities and my weaknesses and my spiritual stupidity and laziness burning in the limelight whenever Maa walks into my room. Sometimes I feel like all She can see is my weakness, and that's what she responds to. Like she puts the magnifying glass on those parts of myself.
Sometimes I feel like I am a total fraud...an asura, a demon, who somehow snuck through the doors of the temple into the assembly of pure beings. But Maa sees me for who I really am....Mahisasura. The Great Ego.
Sometimes I feel like I am a total fraud...an asura, a demon, who somehow snuck through the doors of the temple into the assembly of pure beings. But Maa sees me for who I really am....Mahisasura. The Great Ego.
Monday, July 9, 2012
On Getting the Boot, Surrender, Durga, Ganesha, and the Guru
Wow. So I've been out here in California with Maa and Swami for about a year. So much has happened.
And I just got kicked out of the Ashram.
Maa told me to leave and not to come back for 3 months until after I got my substitute teaching license. It was funny timing. I had been looking for a job for a few months and if Maa gave me the instruction to leave just a few days earlier I would have gone back to Vermont..at least for a visit. I laded a job just a few days before She gave me the boot.
The week leading up to my getting the boot was one of the most intense weeks of my entire life. Maa really had me the in the fire. And then in the midst of the fire, I was supposed to be find peace. Supposed to Let Go. To Surrender.
In the midst of not getting the things I think I want so badly, and watching other people get them, She guides me to find where the real peace is.
That process of surrender is one that I am not well accustomed with. But I hope that that will change over time. I hope even in the near future. (Be careful what you wish for, right?)
A friend of mine did a Tarot reading for me the other day. The reading said that will power was not enough, I needed to find another way. I knew that. I've known that for a while. The dynamic of intertia and regression back into the egoistic and self-destructive patterns is too great. The darkness is too strong.
Part of me desires to grow in the spiritual path, to come closer to God, closer to Self Realization, to Liberation. But the other part fights so hard, impressively hard, against all that is good, holy, pure, and truly nourishing. It feels like a spiritual schizophrenia of sorts, and it is extremely painful and confusing. Swami says there is no shame in struggle. Right now, I am very happy to hear that.
Every day is a struggle. It feels like the battle of Chaṇḍī...the forces of duality (the asuras) against the forces of the devas (the Gods, the shining ones) every day. And to be honest, every day I feel like I lose. Most of the time I don't even put up a fight. Its been that way for about as long as I can remember. It feels too overwhelming, too hard to fight the darkness. So I just give up and I let it take over in the myriad of ways it manfiests....self defeating habits and tendencies, etc.
I like to coax myself into believing that this is okay that somehow I will just grow out of and become a sadhu, become perfect. But on the inside Maa tells me that I have to be strong and fight, that that's the way. I have to fight to stay at Mother's feet. She will come to my rescue, but I have to discipline my mind to GO TO HER.
If I am unwilling to do that then I believe that I do not belong in an ashram. At least not at the Devi Mandir. So in three months I have the opportunity to become a sadhu. Or at least the opportunity to make the decision to try. To make the SANKALPA to walk the path. To say NO to duality, NO to suffering, and NO to selfishness.....to the extent of my capacity. To the extent of my capacity. Not less than. That means no cop outs and no excuses. (I can't help but think, "Shit").
I think that Maa and Swami are doing everything in their power to wake me up. With the help of my Guru's I've found that if you can open up, even one little bit, to God's grace in the moments when your Guru is really scolding you or putting the fire stick to you, in those moments you can feel something bigger at work. Pure Love. Pure Goodness. You might not know that's what you're feeling, but at the very least it certainly feels different than if someone else sends an abrupt or harsh message your way.
Sometimes all it takes is the faith there there is a softness behind it all...the faith that God and your Gurus are actually rooting for you, praying to God to help you succeed. That faith can open the mind's perception to a new awareness of a most magnificent kindness, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement that is constantly and invisibly pushing you towards your goal. And this force, this consciousness, this...whatever you want to call it....has no desire for recognition or praise. That might be what I find the most amazing of all. It asks for no recognition.
It makes me think that if we can open up our hearts and our minds in times of difficulty that there is always this immense river of grace just waiting to flow into us...the trick is being ready and willing to receive it. And I think that's what spiritual practice teaches us to do.
I have been thinking a lot about Durgā and Gaṇeśa. Gaṇeśa is spoken of as the Remover of Obstructions or Obstacles, and Durgā is the Remover of Confusion (Durgam is confusion and Durgā is She who Takes Away All Confusion). I think our tendency as beings trapped in suffering is to think that this means that some forces from the outside will come to automatically remove all of our problems so that life is easy, smooth, fun, and altogether perfect in the way we imagine it should be. We get the job we want, the car we want, the house we want, the spouse we want, etc. etc. etc. I am starting to think that it's a little different than that. At least for those of us who yearn to grow spiritually.
I now think that Gaṇeśa Removes our Obstructions not on the outside, but the inside. Gaṇeśa is the Lord of Wisdom, and it seems to me that the spiritual wisdom illuminated by all of the great seers in every tradition is the wisdom of non-attachment and total acceptance...an acceptance of everything that comes our way, so fully, that it is to the exclusion of all selfishness. So I think that the Removal of Obstruction actually occurs with a shift of our perspective. We begin to see the so-called "obstruction" as an opportunity. An opportunity for spiritual growth. An opportunity to come a little bit closer to God in a real and palpable way. An opportunity to experience Divine Reality in whatever way the Divine Reality wants to express itself. Where's the obstruction? Instead of the obstruction we get an adventure. We get to take a ride with God.
Swami often reminds us of Maa's teaching to let go of our burdens and pick them up as privileges. I admit that whenever I hear that teaching part of me thinks "yeah, yeah, yeah..." and I push it to the side. Because I don't want to do it. My burdens feel like burdens. Why should they feel anything different? They ARE burdens. And their MY burdens! I think what Maa and Swami are saying is that it's precisely this way of thinking, this attachment to the idea of burdens, that produces suffering. It's totally self defeating. To truly let go of how "I" want things to be means that I could actually experience the real saṇtoṣa, the real contentment, because it would be a contentment that does not rely on external factors that are out of my control and that are bound to change (aiṃ hrīṃ klīṃ........mahāsaraswatī, mahālakṣmī, mahākālī......creation, preservation, transformation....the nature of Nature is change).
If I let go, truly let go, of my suffering, then I will not suffer. What a concept! So then my spiritual struggle lies in being willing to let go, being willing to surrender to that energy and consciousness of Pure Love that is always there as the underlying reality of all experience. Being willing to keep the mind with Durgā as instead of Durgam.
When I observe my own mind, I see my lack of surrender and how increased surrender to the DIVINE would be extraordinarily helpful.
The very moment that a thought of dis-satisfaction or suffering comes and I give it creedence, it takes me away from Pure Love and reinforces my identification with that suffering. Such thoughts bind the mind with the belief that suffering is somehow legitimate, somehow real, somehow necessary, and somehow helpful. As if by hanging on to our suffering we will actually feel better. Then the Guru comes and tries to help us let go of our suffering. And we don't like that. We feel, why are you trying to take this away from me?? It is MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SUFFER and by golly I am going to Suffer if it's the last thing I do!
And it is my right to suffer. Which is why I have to be the one to let it go. So in order to do that, even if its slowly, ever so slowly, the Guru helps me to learn that it actually does feel better to let go. That it is okay to let go of suffering, and that I have the power to do just that.
And with power comes responsibility. I am responsible for my own suffering, and I am responsible for releasing it. Even entertaining the thought that my displeasure is being caused by something outside of myself is an excuse, an immature way of viewing reality. Through spiritual discipline we take responsibility for this fact and purify the mind so that we can see reality through the eyes of love and surrender. [Hopefully I'll be able to speak more on this subject once I can really do i!]
Durgā is the one who overcomes Durgam, but it is our responsibility to actually throw our chips in with Durgā. She can take care of us once we surrender, but first we have to surrender.
And I just got kicked out of the Ashram.
Maa told me to leave and not to come back for 3 months until after I got my substitute teaching license. It was funny timing. I had been looking for a job for a few months and if Maa gave me the instruction to leave just a few days earlier I would have gone back to Vermont..at least for a visit. I laded a job just a few days before She gave me the boot.
The week leading up to my getting the boot was one of the most intense weeks of my entire life. Maa really had me the in the fire. And then in the midst of the fire, I was supposed to be find peace. Supposed to Let Go. To Surrender.
In the midst of not getting the things I think I want so badly, and watching other people get them, She guides me to find where the real peace is.
That process of surrender is one that I am not well accustomed with. But I hope that that will change over time. I hope even in the near future. (Be careful what you wish for, right?)
A friend of mine did a Tarot reading for me the other day. The reading said that will power was not enough, I needed to find another way. I knew that. I've known that for a while. The dynamic of intertia and regression back into the egoistic and self-destructive patterns is too great. The darkness is too strong.
Part of me desires to grow in the spiritual path, to come closer to God, closer to Self Realization, to Liberation. But the other part fights so hard, impressively hard, against all that is good, holy, pure, and truly nourishing. It feels like a spiritual schizophrenia of sorts, and it is extremely painful and confusing. Swami says there is no shame in struggle. Right now, I am very happy to hear that.
Every day is a struggle. It feels like the battle of Chaṇḍī...the forces of duality (the asuras) against the forces of the devas (the Gods, the shining ones) every day. And to be honest, every day I feel like I lose. Most of the time I don't even put up a fight. Its been that way for about as long as I can remember. It feels too overwhelming, too hard to fight the darkness. So I just give up and I let it take over in the myriad of ways it manfiests....self defeating habits and tendencies, etc.
I like to coax myself into believing that this is okay that somehow I will just grow out of and become a sadhu, become perfect. But on the inside Maa tells me that I have to be strong and fight, that that's the way. I have to fight to stay at Mother's feet. She will come to my rescue, but I have to discipline my mind to GO TO HER.
If I am unwilling to do that then I believe that I do not belong in an ashram. At least not at the Devi Mandir. So in three months I have the opportunity to become a sadhu. Or at least the opportunity to make the decision to try. To make the SANKALPA to walk the path. To say NO to duality, NO to suffering, and NO to selfishness.....to the extent of my capacity. To the extent of my capacity. Not less than. That means no cop outs and no excuses. (I can't help but think, "Shit").
I think that Maa and Swami are doing everything in their power to wake me up. With the help of my Guru's I've found that if you can open up, even one little bit, to God's grace in the moments when your Guru is really scolding you or putting the fire stick to you, in those moments you can feel something bigger at work. Pure Love. Pure Goodness. You might not know that's what you're feeling, but at the very least it certainly feels different than if someone else sends an abrupt or harsh message your way.
Sometimes all it takes is the faith there there is a softness behind it all...the faith that God and your Gurus are actually rooting for you, praying to God to help you succeed. That faith can open the mind's perception to a new awareness of a most magnificent kindness, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement that is constantly and invisibly pushing you towards your goal. And this force, this consciousness, this...whatever you want to call it....has no desire for recognition or praise. That might be what I find the most amazing of all. It asks for no recognition.
It makes me think that if we can open up our hearts and our minds in times of difficulty that there is always this immense river of grace just waiting to flow into us...the trick is being ready and willing to receive it. And I think that's what spiritual practice teaches us to do.
I have been thinking a lot about Durgā and Gaṇeśa. Gaṇeśa is spoken of as the Remover of Obstructions or Obstacles, and Durgā is the Remover of Confusion (Durgam is confusion and Durgā is She who Takes Away All Confusion). I think our tendency as beings trapped in suffering is to think that this means that some forces from the outside will come to automatically remove all of our problems so that life is easy, smooth, fun, and altogether perfect in the way we imagine it should be. We get the job we want, the car we want, the house we want, the spouse we want, etc. etc. etc. I am starting to think that it's a little different than that. At least for those of us who yearn to grow spiritually.
I now think that Gaṇeśa Removes our Obstructions not on the outside, but the inside. Gaṇeśa is the Lord of Wisdom, and it seems to me that the spiritual wisdom illuminated by all of the great seers in every tradition is the wisdom of non-attachment and total acceptance...an acceptance of everything that comes our way, so fully, that it is to the exclusion of all selfishness. So I think that the Removal of Obstruction actually occurs with a shift of our perspective. We begin to see the so-called "obstruction" as an opportunity. An opportunity for spiritual growth. An opportunity to come a little bit closer to God in a real and palpable way. An opportunity to experience Divine Reality in whatever way the Divine Reality wants to express itself. Where's the obstruction? Instead of the obstruction we get an adventure. We get to take a ride with God.
Swami often reminds us of Maa's teaching to let go of our burdens and pick them up as privileges. I admit that whenever I hear that teaching part of me thinks "yeah, yeah, yeah..." and I push it to the side. Because I don't want to do it. My burdens feel like burdens. Why should they feel anything different? They ARE burdens. And their MY burdens! I think what Maa and Swami are saying is that it's precisely this way of thinking, this attachment to the idea of burdens, that produces suffering. It's totally self defeating. To truly let go of how "I" want things to be means that I could actually experience the real saṇtoṣa, the real contentment, because it would be a contentment that does not rely on external factors that are out of my control and that are bound to change (aiṃ hrīṃ klīṃ........mahāsaraswatī, mahālakṣmī, mahākālī......creation, preservation, transformation....the nature of Nature is change).
If I let go, truly let go, of my suffering, then I will not suffer. What a concept! So then my spiritual struggle lies in being willing to let go, being willing to surrender to that energy and consciousness of Pure Love that is always there as the underlying reality of all experience. Being willing to keep the mind with Durgā as instead of Durgam.
When I observe my own mind, I see my lack of surrender and how increased surrender to the DIVINE would be extraordinarily helpful.
The very moment that a thought of dis-satisfaction or suffering comes and I give it creedence, it takes me away from Pure Love and reinforces my identification with that suffering. Such thoughts bind the mind with the belief that suffering is somehow legitimate, somehow real, somehow necessary, and somehow helpful. As if by hanging on to our suffering we will actually feel better. Then the Guru comes and tries to help us let go of our suffering. And we don't like that. We feel, why are you trying to take this away from me?? It is MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SUFFER and by golly I am going to Suffer if it's the last thing I do!
And it is my right to suffer. Which is why I have to be the one to let it go. So in order to do that, even if its slowly, ever so slowly, the Guru helps me to learn that it actually does feel better to let go. That it is okay to let go of suffering, and that I have the power to do just that.
And with power comes responsibility. I am responsible for my own suffering, and I am responsible for releasing it. Even entertaining the thought that my displeasure is being caused by something outside of myself is an excuse, an immature way of viewing reality. Through spiritual discipline we take responsibility for this fact and purify the mind so that we can see reality through the eyes of love and surrender. [Hopefully I'll be able to speak more on this subject once I can really do i!]
Durgā is the one who overcomes Durgam, but it is our responsibility to actually throw our chips in with Durgā. She can take care of us once we surrender, but first we have to surrender.
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