The Red Turtleneck

Some time ago in the fall when it just starting to become cold, I noticed that some of the disciples wore turtlenecks as an underlayer.  I do not know why this struck me -- perhaps because I used to wear turtlenecks and a child and hadn't since.  Or because I appreciate the modesty of being covered all the way up to your chin.

Either way, I had a specific desire for a red turtleneck.  Maa wheres a bright yellow sari with a red border (she looks to me like Simhavahini, the one who rides on a lion...she even looks like the lion itself with long flowing mane and all, fighting from the depths of her heart against all adharma).  But she used with wear a white sari with a red border, as did Sarada Devi and Anandamayi Maa.  This type of sari is a traditional Bengali tantric sari.  It symbolizes shiva (pure consciousness - white) and shakti (pure energy - red).

Verse 45 from the Guru Gita states: "Worship the pair of the Guru's feet with speech, mind, and illumination of consciousness.  He illuminates the various colors, white and red, indicating the Supreme manifestation of Shiva and Shakti (consciousness and nature).

So I had a desire for a red turtleneck.  The next evening after arati when I came back to my asana ater polishing some untensils I would a red turtleneck from Maa tossed onto my asana.

It was an interesting time to give me a gift, though.  Maa was't very happy with me that evening.  She had scolded me, telling me that I wasn't working from my heart.  And She asked pointedly, "What are you doing here?" saying that if I did not want to be part of this spiritual family that maybe I should only come on weekends.   She also told me, regarding me, "If I see one more negativity, our doors will completely closed to you." 

This was more than 8 months ago.  Now I'm booted from the ashram for 3 months.  And  I never have figured out that statement.  I do have negativities....a lot of them....if I didn't, I probably wouldn't need a Guru.  Sometimes I feel like She wants me to be perfect.  Just drop all my negativity and be perfect right now.

The thought of doing that seems impossible and it totally freaks me out and I want to have a panic attack and cry.  The thought of not doing it and turning my back on my Gurus is also difficult to swallow but in a less dramatic and much deeper way.

Swamiji says, "She wants it all."