Just Be Yourself

Swamiji says no two sadhus will have exactly the same repertoire.  I don't even feel like a proper sadhu to begin with.  Might as well just roll with it...

Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be like some of the other disciples, so pure and sattvic and rhythmic.   Although I hope I do head in that direction...

I come from the soil of dead heads and hippie freaks.  Of LSD and dancing into the wee hours of the morning.  Of Neem Karoli Baba (I still think he had something to do with the Grateful Dead...Maa too, for that matter).

I come from the crazy free style chanting of the sweat lodge, from dancing naked in the forest soaked with moonlight.  I worship Shiva and Shakti...I worship how I've learned from my teachers and my Gurus.  But I also worship in my own way.  The Goddess is mine to know.  Shiva is mine to know.  I want to know them.  I want to be in communion with my own soul.  That is my journey alone -- no one else's.

I had an astrology reading done long distance by one of Shiva Bala Yogi's American disciples.  At one point in the reading she told me that spiritually doesn't look like anything.  It's just you being in harmony with your own Self.  I didn't understand what she was telling me at the time.

I used to dream of being able to walk around in all orange.  Now I know that I wanted that for my own ego - as a prop to hold yourself up as a yogi or yogini in your mind-build identity instead of actually going through the process to really become one.

Now, I would rather know my own soul and walk around in jeans and a tee than wear orange and have a big ego about my "renunciation."

I would rather know no Sanskrit and know my own soul than know Sanskrit grammar and yet not know anything about the Divine Mother.  Although, I really want to know both.

My first spiritual teacher told me spirituality was about blindly bumbling backwards.  Swamiji says you need a goal and you need a plan.  My spiritual life involves both. 

Perspectives change

You know what...

I thought I would live sooo far away from the world.  Just have nothing to do with it.  I thought that somehow I would live in a little hut in the woods of Vermont and no one would know I was there.  And I would probably be totally impoverished, and just live on dahl and rice.  And of course, in my mind, this was all a very romantic thing.

Now I am thinking....screw it.  That idea of that life clearly has not worked out for me, considering I  I am being pushed deeper and deeper into the world.  So the perspectives are changing to a more pro-active than "tune in, drop out" attitude.  I want to refine and develop a skill set with which I can support myself financially in the world, and with which I can use to serve Maa. 

I want to write, I want to edit, to work on the web, to learn graphic design and learn photoshop.  I want to have creative freedom.  I want to have plenty of money so that I'm not working as a retail clerk in someone else's store for my whole life.

And I want to be able to read the original Sanskrit.  And translate.  And actually know what I'm talking about.

I want to be at the top, not at the bottom.

And you know what else...  I'm going to drink a beer. 

Lalita Trishati #2...

My favorite name from the Lalitā Triśati -

Name 193. lāṃgalāyudhā

"Who has an unconquerable plow." 

(translation from Swami Satyananda's  Lalitā Triśati in Shree Maa: The Guru and the Goddess)

Note to Self: Even if you're really tired...

One thing I've learned is that its best to keep your word to do something you said you would do, even if you are already super exhausted and your heart sinks as you watch the sleep time meter in your head diminish.

The strength and Shakti that comes from persevering and keep your word, even if its something you told yourself in passing that you accomplish, is GREATER than the creature comfort of sleep.

Note to Self:  Remember this when its late and you have unfinished business and all you want to do is crawl into bed.  Dive deep into your gut and pull up some will power.

"Tanme manaḥ śivasaṃkalpamastu" (May my mind be filled with that firm determination of Śiva, the Consciousness of Infinite Goodness) - Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram, Śiva Pūjā and Advanced Yagña by Swami Satyananda Saraswati

Late Night Hours: On Sleep Deprivation and the Temple at Night in all it's Glory.

Get up, no matter what.  That's how it should be.  That's how it needs to be to become the sadhu you want to be.

Sleep deprivation seems a common theme for anyone seriously involved in the Devi Mandir, and getting up in the morning is probably the single most challenging aspect of yoga practice for me.

It's also a common source of humor in the Mandir kitchen.  Many of us have fallen asleep and trailed of in our chanting while sitting...then the head drops and you wake back up.  There's also the chanting while half-asleep so you don't know what verses you've done and you end up repeating a verse, or a whole page, several times. 

The worst are the mornings doing sadhana in the temple when it's before sunrise and there's all this beautiful yogic energy around you, but you're so tired you can hardly keep your back straight, and all you want to do is lie down and curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on your asana blanket.  But you force yourself to stay up, even if it means going to the kitchen and making a strong cup of coffee.  And it helps when Maa and/or Swami come into the temple  When they are chanting, it carries you.  (Although, honestly, sometimes nothing helps and it's just plain hard.)

Then after sadhana you want to nap sooo bad, and you finally decide you're going to do it (it feels like sneaking chocolate or something), but on the way to your room you see a disciple on their way to work who is even more sleep deprived that you are, and you can't in good conscience take a nap.  Or you think of Swami and another disciple's words of "How must it feel if you are working so hard and all of your disciples are sleeping?") and that's inspiration enough to forego a nap and keep on trucking.

Then, late at night, at 1 in the morning, when you're back in the temple after working almost all day, you're so tired that you fall momentarily asleep while chanting.  And sometimes you even blurt random English words in the middle of my Sanskrit chanting from the sudden dream you would have (you  probably so exhausted that you drop right into deep REM or something), and then you snap awake and think oh my god I can't believe that just happened and keep chanting.

Then, when you're finished with your sadhana and you bow and put your head to the ground you want so badly just to stay there and go to sleep.  But you force yourself to stand up.  And see that the floor is very dirty, and Maa and Swami will walk on the floor and get rice stuck to their feet.  So you sweep.  And while you sweep, you realize that there is some incense ash that fell around Swami's incense holder and the incense holder should be clean and fresh for Him in the morning, so you put your broom down and you take the incense holder to the temple kitchen where you can fix it up.  Then you resume sweeping.  And you realize that the flower water in the vases my Maa's altar is very dirty.  So you pour them out and put in fresh water.  And it can go on like that until finally you gulp with a thought of "oh my god it's so late" when you finally leave the temple.

You actually love this.  You love being in the Temple alone, late at night.  You love being the last one to leave....turning off the lights,, locking the front door, and saying goodnight to that glorious Temple and its Divine residents - all the Gods and Goddess

Then you walk outside and the wildlife is awake and the crickets are churping and everything feels so alive.  And you are alone, outside of this beautiful Temple, under the stars, soaking in the sweet cooling rays of the moonlight.  And you dance under the stars....even if just a few twirls...and rejoice in the freshness of the night air and the palpable feeling of Shakti permeating the atmosphere.  It feels like a magical wonderland.  You pranam to the world around you with thoughts of "Jai Maa" and then finally go into the dharamshala to go to sleep, contemplating whether or not you have it in you to brush your teeth.

My first 6 months with Maa and Swami were the hardest in terms of coping with sleep deprivation.  I wasn't used to it and I felt like I was constantly exhausted and was always on the verge of getting sick.  My nature is to stay up late, late into the night and sleep late into the day.  Not a good schedule for a wannabe a sadhu.  I have to learn to still stay up late and get up early.  Swami said, "Get up no matter how you feel."  I probably nodded and said "Yes, Swami", but I haven't really followed through on it.  Not outside of the mandir.

Around Fall Navaratri of 2011 it really kicked up a notch and for 9 nights in a row I got about 3 hours of sleep each night.  It was exhausting and totally exhilerating.  It felt like it was my tapasya, my spiritual austerity, and it also felt like Maa and Swami's grace enabing me to do that...and some strong coffee (probably not the healthiest way to go).  That experience taught me about pushing the limits of what we think we're capable of doing.

Sleep has never been the same for me since then, but I'm not stabilized in being able to consistently get very little and be okay.  I need to start waking up early every single morning, no matter what.  I need to.  And it's going to be a huge hurtle to overcome in my practice.  Wish me luck, I need it!

Today's Sadhana

Before work: 

1. chanted the Sādhana Pañcakam (5 Verses in Praise of Spiritual Discipline written by Śaṅkarācārya in 700 AD) from the beginning of Swami Satyananda Saraswati's Advanced Śiva Pūjā book and read it in English.
2. chanted opening mantras to the Chaṇḍī Pāṭhaḥ, the 13 chapters of the Chaṇḍī, and the Siddha Kuñjikā Stotram......really freaked out while chanting the Chaṇḍī this morning.  It was a hard one.

After work:

1.  chanted intro mantras from Advanced Śiva Pūjā book
2.  chanted Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram and read it in English, and meditated a bit.  that was really nice. Thank you, Shiva!
3.  chanted 10 malas of "Oṃ Namaḥ Śivāya"  (that's the saṅkalpa Maa gave for the month of sravan)
4.  chanted Gaṇeśa pūjā mantras and Gaṇeśytharvaśirṣam from Advanced Śiva Pūjā Book
5.  Chanted Śrī Guru Gītā
        ----broke my asana but kept sitting----
6. Chanted Durgā Pūjā mantras from Cosmic Pūjā book and the worship of the 9 Durga stotram that I have memorized from the Beginner Durgā Pūjā book (prathaman śailaputrī ca dvitīyam brahmacāriṇī.....First is the Goddess of the Inspiration....second the Goddess of Sacred Study....)
7.  Chanted mini Śiva pūjā (gāyatrī mantra, nyāsa, dhyānam, and a few mental offerings)
      -----broke my asana------
8.  Memorized Sarasvatī's dhyanam from Chapter 5 of the Chaṇḍī Pāṭhaḥ (something Maa told me to do months ago...ill probably have to re-freshen tomorrow too)

Not bad for a working girl, eh?  This morning I felt like i was in mental agony, but it turned out to be a good day!  Yay!  Let's see if I can keep it up.  If you see this, say a prayer for me!

It's now  1:30 am and I'm going to try to wake up at 5:00 am.  Wish me luck.

Jai Maa!!!

My Compassionate Lord

 

Oh, my compassionate Lord Shiva!  What would I do without you?  

Even the sight of this picture 

makes everything better.

You are so beautiful.  A wonder to behold.

Jai Shiva Shankara.

Lalita Trishati

Yesterday I read and chanted the Lalitā Triśatī Stotram, the Song of 300 Names of the Playful Mother Goddess.  I use Swamiji's transliteration and translation in the book Shree Maa: The Guru and the Goddess.
 
I really like the Lalitā Triśatī.  The first time I ever chanted it was with Swamiji, around the fire at the Devi Mandir during the first Navaratri that I attended.  

Chanting anything with Swamiji is an experience of a lifetime, especially when your heart is open, but there have been certain scriptures that we have chanted together that I feel especially drawn to.  Lalita Trishati is one of them, in large part because of the 16 letter Șoraṣī mantra that you chant before and after the stotram.  The first time I chanted that mantra with Swamiji it blew my mind.  It was unlike any other mantra I had ever heard or chanted. 
 
Not only is its sound and structure super cool, but it has a meaning to match.   In the introduction to the stotram, Swamiji explains that Șoraṣī is Śiva  and Śakti together in "undifferentiated communion." 
 
So I chanted the Lalitā Triśatī right after I chanted the Śrī Guru Gīta (they are next to eachother in Swami's book so its pretty fun to do them together).  Towards the end of my chanting, in the epilogue of the stotram that comes after the 300 names, I happened to eye the translation of a verse that was about worship without knowledge.  That inspired me to read the whole translation, which Swamiji encourages us to do.  I figured I might as well know what I'm chanting.
 
The reading was awesome.  It was really helpful and insightful.  The three hundred names come as part of a story in which the Ŗṣi Hayagrīva is given the the 300 names by the Divine Mother Herself so that he can teach them to his disciple, Agastya (He Who is Born from a Jar), and Agastya's wife, Lopāmudrā.
 
The three hundred names could have been written for Shree Maa.  I guess they were, seeing as Shree Maa is the Divine Mother....but its just amazing.  The names describe Her so perfectly.
 
Here are a few of the names that really grabbed me:

205. hrīṃkārakuṇḍāgni-śikhā - Who is the ultimate of the sacrificial fire burning on the altar of Hrīṃ (Māyā) 
208. hrīṃkārāmbhodacancalā - Who is the inconsistent  nature of the heavenly waters of Hrīṃ (Māyā) 
214. hrīṃkārāvālavallarī - Who is the fibers in the creepers of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
217. hrīṃkārakandarāsiṃhī - Who is the lioness in the cave of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
233. satyarūpā - Who is the form of truth

.....and one more....

297. hrīṃkārahimavadgaṅgā - Who is the Ganges that flows from the Himalayas of Hrīṃ (Māyā)

Jai Maa!

Missing Maa

Today is the first day since the start of my three month hiatus that I really missed the Mandir.  More than anything, I miss Maa.  I miss her Pure Love.  Even if She ignores you, or She scolds you, still there is Her Pure Love that you feel deep down, that you keep coming back for.

And I miss Her cooking.  She is known for Her cooking.  It's not just that it tastes good, it is so Divine.  It is so nourishing.  It warms your soul and comforts your entire being.

I don't really miss the work from the Mandir.  All the cleaning and such.  But I miss the inspiration, dedication, energy, efficiency that I feel within myself when I'm there.  The Gurus, and the Gurus ashram, it inspires you to work hard to really try your best, to be the best you can be.

I hoped that in my time away I would learn to do that outside of the ashram as well.  On some level, I know it's up to me.  You just make the decision to leave laziness and all that holds you back behind.

I could say "But I feel inertia," and I want to, but the second I hear "But," I know its another excuse.

How long will I listen to the excuses?  The saints and sages say that human life is precious.  Already I feel that I've wasted so much time.

Reflections on this Blog

When Swamiji first told me to write this blog, I had really mixed feelings about it.  Or rather, I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about it.  Sorry to say, but it's true.

If you are totally self centered and fascinated with your own "story" and you go to someone to try and become un-self centered, probably one of the last things you want to hear them tell you is to write about yourself, publicly.  I still feel like maybe Swamiji was playing with my desire for people to know about me, to know my story.  Playing with my tendency to think MY story is more interesting, or less interesting for that matter, than anybody else's.  (Maa said on the night of Holi in the kitchen, "Everyone has a story.")

As with everything that my Gurus suggest, in actually I enjoy working with this blog.  It's a great way to reflect and to deepen understanding, and its also a nice release when you don't have anyone to talk to and you're not spiritually advanced enough to through all of your thoughts in the Divine Fire with a declaration of "svaha," "I am One with God!")

When I am writing on my screen, there is no one directly on the other side hearing the words.  And part of me thinks not many people will read this at all, so I feel free just to write. 

I pray to the Mother Saraswatī that the experience of writing for this blog helps me to learn, to grow, and to more deeply absorb the teachings of my Gurus.  I pray to the Goddess and to my Gurus for forgiveness for any mistakes I make a long the way.

Kṣamāsya.  Please forgive me.

Humility and Faith

I often thought about asking Swamiji what he felt was the most important quality for a spiritual seek to have.  I had a hunch he would say humility.  I guess I thought that because in my own path humility seems to be the umbrella factor.  By that I mean everything seems to happen within the space of humility.  When I am not humble I am lost and blind, wandering in circles.  If I a humble I can learn, I can grow, I can love, and I can live in truth.  For brief moments at least.

I seek humility.  In the moments of humility, that's where I find my peace.  That's where I find my connection to my Gurus.

You know the story of the Zen master and the scholar?  The Zen master pours tea into a cup, the cup overflowers...and overflowers...andoverflows....until finally the scholar can't take it anymore and He says Stop! What are you doing!?  And the Zen master says, "How can you expect to learn if you do not empty your cup?"

Well, when I first came to the Devi Mandir my cup was full.  But I didn't even know it.  I think a lot of the work Maa and Swami did with me at the beginning (and even now) was trying to get me to realize that I really don't know.  Only then can they fill my cup with Divine Knowledge.  A work in progress I guess.

So one day, while I was working on the new Devi Mandir website, I was looking at the spiritual questions and answers section.  There was a question to Swamiji asking what is the most important quality for a seeker to have.  Swamiji's answer?  Faith.

Of course whatever a Guru's answer is to question can change according to who is asking the question and when they are asking it.  Nevertheless, I think that any words spoken and any answers given by a realized being are worthy of attention and contemplation.  So...faith.

I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and I found that to have faith was something that I really need in my situation.  From the beginning I have felt a push and pull with Maa and Swami, particularly with Maa.  On the outside it feels like She pushes me away.  Often it feels like She just plain doesn't like me and doesn't want me around.  I have a lot of self doubt...that I'm not good enough, that I can't do this, and that She's trying to tell me that.  Trying to tell me not to bother, so turn around.

Sometimes I think it would be better if Maa just physically beat me.  I think I would know that She was playing with me, trying to root out the ego (although who knows, maybe if it happened I would cry).  But Her way with me now is so darn confusing on so many levels.  The only way through it, and the only way through it with any semblance of grace and maturity, is to have faith.  Faith in the Guru, faith in God, faith in myself, faith in all the unseen Sages, just plain Faith.

And keep going.

Om Namah Shivaya

This photograph is of one of my Shiva lingams.  It was given to me by my first spiritual teachers when I was living in Vermont.  They gave it to me for Christmas, and I cried when I received it.  It was very special.

I call Him Premeshwar in honor of one of these particular teachers.  I used to leave Premeshwara at home when I would go to spend days at the Devi Mandir.  Often at the Mandir I performed Shiva Puja to Napeshwar, a large Shiva lingam located outside, about a 5 minute walk or so from the Temple.  Maa and Swami translate Napeswhar as the Residence of Dharma.  So after I performed puja in the Temple to the lingam that Maa (which I call Shanteshwar) I would walk down to Napeshwar and perform puja to Napeshwar.

In the Beginner Shiva Puja book there there is part of the puja after the purification of flowers in which you offer flowers (pushpa) to the gods and goddesses: Chandi (ete gandhapushpe om hrim chandikayai namaha), Durga, Brahma, and more.  All aspects of creation.

One of the first times I went down to Napeshwar for puja I hear the pujari, at the end of that particular part of the puja, add on some mantras.  In addition to offering flowers to all the deities that Swami wrote in to the puja book, he also offered flowers to Napeshwar (ete gandhapushpe om napeshwaraya namaha) and anyone else he felt like offering flowers to (saints, gurus, family, etc.) 

So now I like to use that part of the puja to offer flowers to any lingams that I love and have a relationship but a not in physical proximity to, and the gurus to whom I feel connected.

Chandana and Chandi

Chandana is the Sanskrit word for sandlewood.  During puja we offer chandana, and in Shiva Puja we use it to paint three lines onto the lingam.

If you've ever had anyone put a Sandlewood tilak on your forehead it feels really good.  Sandlwood has very cooling and soothing properties, and a wonderful woodsy and aromatic aroma.

Swamiji says that the sandlewood represents "cooling wisdom."  I have also heard that the three lines of chandana that Shiva wears on His forehead represent the three gunas, or the three qualities of nature: raja, sattva, and tama - becoming, being, and rest - creation, preservation, transformation.  These three gunas are personified in the forms of three goddesses - mahasaraswati, mahalakshmi, and mahakali.

The vibrations of these three goddesses, these three energies, are embodied in and transmitted through the vibrations of the bija (seed) syllables of the goddess Chandi's mantra, which is also called the navarna mantra, or the nine lettered mantra (nava means nine in Sanskrit).

Chandi's mantra is om aim hrim klim chamundayai vicce.  Aim is Saraswati's bija syllable, Hrim is Lakshmi's bija syllable, and Klim is Kali's.

All if this information is in Swami Satyananda Saraswati's Chandi Path book.  In the Siddha Kunjika Stotram, the Song that Grants Perfection, towards the end of the book, Swamiji breaks down the syllables of the Navarna Mantra:

Om - The Infinite Beyond Conception
Aim - Creation, Rajo Guna, Energy of Desire, Mahasaraswati
Hrim - Preservation, Sattva Guna, Energy of Action, Mahalakshmi
Klim - Destruction, Tamo Guna, Energy of Wisdom, Mahakali
Camunda - The Slayer of Passion and Anger, Moves in teh head
Yai - The Grantor of Boons
Vic - In the Body of Knowledge; in the Perception
Ce - of Consciousness

In other words: "...the three gunas, energies, and Goddesses - Creation, Preservation, and Destruction - are in constant movement, transformation in the perception of consciousness" (Swami Satyananda Saraswati, Chandi Path, Siddha Kunjika Stotram)

The thing I find both amusing and kind of mind blowing is that this mantra, according to Swamiji's translation, is really stating the obvious.  Things change.  All the time.  Swami says, "The nature of nature is to change."

If we can be like Shiva and watch Nature Herself, as opposed to Her fluctuations, then I believe that we can find the true peace.  Because that peace won't go away...how can it?  That peace is eternal, behind all the changes.  The key is to not be attached.  Easier said than done, I know.

Did you ever think to yourself, "Wow, I could choose to just not get bummed out about this.  If I didn't let this bother me, then it wouldn't bother me"? I think the wisdom we are striving for is not just the knowledge that things change, but a total integration, understanding, and appreciation of truth so deeply that we are truly no longer attached to transient phenomena.  Like Shiva.

So how do we become un-attached?  Clearly that is a very deep inner process, and I think that this is exactly what all yogic scriptures are about, including the spoken scriptures of the living embodiments of God.

Neem Karoli Baba says "Love everyone, serve everyone, remember God."  Maa says "Give more than you take."  Krishna says, "Offer everything to me."  The 180 verses of the Guru Gita tell us to serve our Gurus.

On that note, I am going to go chant the Chandi, hopefully remember God, and come one step closer to non-attachment.

Jai Maa!