Humility and Faith

I often thought about asking Swamiji what he felt was the most important quality for a spiritual seek to have.  I had a hunch he would say humility.  I guess I thought that because in my own path humility seems to be the umbrella factor.  By that I mean everything seems to happen within the space of humility.  When I am not humble I am lost and blind, wandering in circles.  If I a humble I can learn, I can grow, I can love, and I can live in truth.  For brief moments at least.

I seek humility.  In the moments of humility, that's where I find my peace.  That's where I find my connection to my Gurus.

You know the story of the Zen master and the scholar?  The Zen master pours tea into a cup, the cup overflowers...and overflowers...andoverflows....until finally the scholar can't take it anymore and He says Stop! What are you doing!?  And the Zen master says, "How can you expect to learn if you do not empty your cup?"

Well, when I first came to the Devi Mandir my cup was full.  But I didn't even know it.  I think a lot of the work Maa and Swami did with me at the beginning (and even now) was trying to get me to realize that I really don't know.  Only then can they fill my cup with Divine Knowledge.  A work in progress I guess.

So one day, while I was working on the new Devi Mandir website, I was looking at the spiritual questions and answers section.  There was a question to Swamiji asking what is the most important quality for a seeker to have.  Swamiji's answer?  Faith.

Of course whatever a Guru's answer is to question can change according to who is asking the question and when they are asking it.  Nevertheless, I think that any words spoken and any answers given by a realized being are worthy of attention and contemplation.  So...faith.

I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and I found that to have faith was something that I really need in my situation.  From the beginning I have felt a push and pull with Maa and Swami, particularly with Maa.  On the outside it feels like She pushes me away.  Often it feels like She just plain doesn't like me and doesn't want me around.  I have a lot of self doubt...that I'm not good enough, that I can't do this, and that She's trying to tell me that.  Trying to tell me not to bother, so turn around.

Sometimes I think it would be better if Maa just physically beat me.  I think I would know that She was playing with me, trying to root out the ego (although who knows, maybe if it happened I would cry).  But Her way with me now is so darn confusing on so many levels.  The only way through it, and the only way through it with any semblance of grace and maturity, is to have faith.  Faith in the Guru, faith in God, faith in myself, faith in all the unseen Sages, just plain Faith.

And keep going.