Late Night Hours: On Sleep Deprivation and the Temple at Night in all it's Glory.

Get up, no matter what.  That's how it should be.  That's how it needs to be to become the sadhu you want to be.

Sleep deprivation seems a common theme for anyone seriously involved in the Devi Mandir, and getting up in the morning is probably the single most challenging aspect of yoga practice for me.

It's also a common source of humor in the Mandir kitchen.  Many of us have fallen asleep and trailed of in our chanting while sitting...then the head drops and you wake back up.  There's also the chanting while half-asleep so you don't know what verses you've done and you end up repeating a verse, or a whole page, several times. 

The worst are the mornings doing sadhana in the temple when it's before sunrise and there's all this beautiful yogic energy around you, but you're so tired you can hardly keep your back straight, and all you want to do is lie down and curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on your asana blanket.  But you force yourself to stay up, even if it means going to the kitchen and making a strong cup of coffee.  And it helps when Maa and/or Swami come into the temple  When they are chanting, it carries you.  (Although, honestly, sometimes nothing helps and it's just plain hard.)

Then after sadhana you want to nap sooo bad, and you finally decide you're going to do it (it feels like sneaking chocolate or something), but on the way to your room you see a disciple on their way to work who is even more sleep deprived that you are, and you can't in good conscience take a nap.  Or you think of Swami and another disciple's words of "How must it feel if you are working so hard and all of your disciples are sleeping?") and that's inspiration enough to forego a nap and keep on trucking.

Then, late at night, at 1 in the morning, when you're back in the temple after working almost all day, you're so tired that you fall momentarily asleep while chanting.  And sometimes you even blurt random English words in the middle of my Sanskrit chanting from the sudden dream you would have (you  probably so exhausted that you drop right into deep REM or something), and then you snap awake and think oh my god I can't believe that just happened and keep chanting.

Then, when you're finished with your sadhana and you bow and put your head to the ground you want so badly just to stay there and go to sleep.  But you force yourself to stand up.  And see that the floor is very dirty, and Maa and Swami will walk on the floor and get rice stuck to their feet.  So you sweep.  And while you sweep, you realize that there is some incense ash that fell around Swami's incense holder and the incense holder should be clean and fresh for Him in the morning, so you put your broom down and you take the incense holder to the temple kitchen where you can fix it up.  Then you resume sweeping.  And you realize that the flower water in the vases my Maa's altar is very dirty.  So you pour them out and put in fresh water.  And it can go on like that until finally you gulp with a thought of "oh my god it's so late" when you finally leave the temple.

You actually love this.  You love being in the Temple alone, late at night.  You love being the last one to leave....turning off the lights,, locking the front door, and saying goodnight to that glorious Temple and its Divine residents - all the Gods and Goddess

Then you walk outside and the wildlife is awake and the crickets are churping and everything feels so alive.  And you are alone, outside of this beautiful Temple, under the stars, soaking in the sweet cooling rays of the moonlight.  And you dance under the stars....even if just a few twirls...and rejoice in the freshness of the night air and the palpable feeling of Shakti permeating the atmosphere.  It feels like a magical wonderland.  You pranam to the world around you with thoughts of "Jai Maa" and then finally go into the dharamshala to go to sleep, contemplating whether or not you have it in you to brush your teeth.

My first 6 months with Maa and Swami were the hardest in terms of coping with sleep deprivation.  I wasn't used to it and I felt like I was constantly exhausted and was always on the verge of getting sick.  My nature is to stay up late, late into the night and sleep late into the day.  Not a good schedule for a wannabe a sadhu.  I have to learn to still stay up late and get up early.  Swami said, "Get up no matter how you feel."  I probably nodded and said "Yes, Swami", but I haven't really followed through on it.  Not outside of the mandir.

Around Fall Navaratri of 2011 it really kicked up a notch and for 9 nights in a row I got about 3 hours of sleep each night.  It was exhausting and totally exhilerating.  It felt like it was my tapasya, my spiritual austerity, and it also felt like Maa and Swami's grace enabing me to do that...and some strong coffee (probably not the healthiest way to go).  That experience taught me about pushing the limits of what we think we're capable of doing.

Sleep has never been the same for me since then, but I'm not stabilized in being able to consistently get very little and be okay.  I need to start waking up early every single morning, no matter what.  I need to.  And it's going to be a huge hurtle to overcome in my practice.  Wish me luck, I need it!