Om Sri Gurave Namaha.
It is funny how humbling this whole adventure is. I was SO SURE I wanted a guru – wanted to
devote my life to a guru. Study under a guru.
Be with the guru. Ultimately,
become One with the Guru. She shows me
that in doing this I will be asked to make sacrifice. Sometimes it feels so beautiful and magical,
like how you imagine it would be with a Divine Guru. Sometimes, it feels just plain hard and you
realize that the reality is vastly different from the fantasy. The guru doesn’t tell you what you want to
hear. She tells she what you need to
hear.
Maa and Swami’s path is truly a path of sacrifice. Of renunciation. From the beginning I have had thoughts of
leaving. Of going back to my old life in
Vermont. Having my parents buy me that
house that they offered. Opening a ayurvedic
cafe or doing henna or something. But so much pain and great confusion comes
from questions of leaving. Great
strength comes from the determination to stay – from making the decision to
follow one and to stick to it, no matter what.
Swami says, “It’s nto
freedom from commitment, but freedom THROUGH commitment.” May Divine Mother give me the strength to
follow this path to its end. May Shiva
bless me with unwavering conviction. Om
Nandeshwaraya Namaha. OM I bow to Nandi,
Shiva’s vahana (vehicle), the Bull of Discipline.
[Ultimately I do not believe the the question of “staying”
or “leaving” has to do with a physical location. But at this point in my path that seems to be
how the concept is most clearly manifesting.]
We have a Dalai Lama “Daily Wisdom” book at work. One quote that seems particularly applicable
is from October 24. He says, “We speak
of three different types of faith. The
first is faith in the form of admiration that you have toward a particular
person or a particular state of being.
The second is aspiring faith.
There is a sense of emulation – you aspire to attain that state of
being. The third type is the faith of
conviction” (The Path to Tranquility, 324).
I once read of Swami Yukteshwar’s kriya yoga path that the
practices of kriya yoga are akin to speeding up the natural process of the
soul’s evolution. Astronomically
speaking, this would mean that by performing a certain number of kriyas on a daily
basis, one evolution around the sun becomes equivalent to many evolutions
around the sun in the life of the practitioner.
Being around Maa and Swamiji, I feel like my soul has been put on a
rocket ship and is going around the sun at speeds that are sometimes, to say
the least, uncomfortable. When my mind
turns from them my ego relishes the break, but very quickly I long for their
guidance and their gentle push. I miss
them, and I miss the intensity of being cooked in the pot of their vibrations.
I feel like a total failure a lot of the time. I have a hard time even with the basics –
eating a yogic diet, getting up early.
Becoming organized and efficient.
I feel like a yogic invalid! I
get grumpy and tired and resentful. I
can not imagine what it must be like for the Guru to be with us youngins – and
to do so with such love. What is it like for them? What would it be like to live with that sat
cit ananda – to become so established in truth and love. To really attain to sannyas (the
establishment of truth within).
Even in the midst of hardship the orange color of
renunciation is a fire burning on the horizon.
The sadhus carry with them a certain presence. A certain funkiness. A purity of soul and self. I can only pray for the strength to make that
journey up the spine. To beckon kundalini
to bring me from bhur, the gross level of existence, to the cosmic OM.
Om Bhur Bhuvah Svaha. Om.
