Dentist or Divinity?

As I sat in the dentist today for 2 hours - yes, that's right, 2 hours - my nerves felt on end and I though this must be what torture is like except they don't give you novacane.

Then I thought - everything can be divine, even a trip to the dentist. Maybe not divine in the sense that I have some completely cosmic out there experience. But maybe on the path, divinity is often more subtle. Maybe now is the time to find divinity in my heart - in a simple feeling of love.

Swami has mentioned over the last few months that in the practice of puja we learn to control our energy. He talked about this a lot in terms of prana prathishth

a and establishing the pot. He said we take the energy for the deity, put it into the pot, take the energy from our heart, put it into the yantra, then take the energy back and put it into our heart.

He said we have all this divine energy, we can start to control it and give it away to wherever and whoever we want. "I have this flower of God's love in my heart and I want you to have it."

I suppose then, even a trip to the dentist's office can be an opportunity to offer a flower of God's love to another.

Jai Guru.

shree maa and Shree Maa

Jai Shree Maa.  More and more I realize that Maa is the spirit of love and giving.

She really is so much more than just her body.

I can try and deny her...try and put up a shield when I feel angry or hurt that I am not around her like I would like to be.

But ultimately, how can I deny my own soul? It is so sad to push her away! It is the giving up of love and the embracement of anger and hatred. That is not what the spiritual path should be about.

A

Maa is the most beautiful. Sometimes I think her the cause of my troubles (sorry to say), for She is Kali, the Energy of Transformation.  But when I move from the mind to the heart, she allows me to remember that She is the most soothing.

The most loving.

Completely loving.

Always giving love, even when I do not accept her love and then blame her for the resulting discomfort.

She is the Mother.

The mind is veeeery tricky. It creates our own suffering and then shields the truth of our responsibility in this matter so that we blame the outside. Thus we remain in the cycle of suffering.

If I can't be around Maa's body, so be it, but then I at least want to try to learn to live with the soul.

Jesus is part of the path back to her. The act of forgiveness. Of becoming soft, so that we can let the love and the light in.

May all minds be receptive to this love and to this grace.  Swami reminds again and again that kripa, the Sanskrit word for grace, means "what you do is what you get." Kri = do and pa = get.

I think this can be more subtle than practicing meditation and receiving enlightenment. Or offering money and getting good karma. Perhaps the do can be as subtle as the tiniest energeting shift to open up. And then from that, the grace comes flooding in, and opens up the pathway so that even more grace can come.

They do say, after all, that if we take one step towards Divine Mother, she takes a thousand steps toward us.

J A I    S H R E E   M A A

In our hearts, we love you Maa. Please help us not to forget. For your love is always there, but our love makes the difference of whether or not we feel it.

When we have love, we feel your love. It's the same love.

One love. One Maa. One Soul. Jai Maa.

Spiritual Life is a Battle

There's a reason Krishna told Arjuna to stand up and fight.

There's a reason why the story of the Chandi Path is a bloody battle.

There's a reason why the Gurus are both gentle and fierce.

 There's a reason why we struggle.

And, one day, we will succeed.

Back at the Mandir

Wow.  So much has been changing.  Life with a Guru is amazingly full and rich...it might not be easy but it's definitely NOT boring.

I am back at the Mandir now.  My time away was hugely transformative and a great blessing.  Maa knew it would be good for me. I felt like I began to find my soul again. I learned a lot about myself...my real self, apart from the conceptions of what I thought it meant to be spiritual. Apart from who I thought I should be for Maa and Swami.

When I was fighting for acceptance, I felt a barrier between us - now I know it was a barrier of my own making. Now that I feel more of the desire to just find myself, I feel their support and feel them pulling me in. They are Spiritual Geniuses. Masters.

I have more and more respect for them as time goes on. Because they prove to me their selflessness and their love again and again.And I forget and lose faith again and again. But they don't abandon me. I am ungrateful and stubborn, and I find baby steps challenging. They are infinitely patient and forgiving. (Not too long ago I heard a devotee say something to which Swamiji's response was, "I'm in no rush" and looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. The initial comment was not about the spiritual journey, but I think the implications of the response were very deep.) 

And they do not try and shape me into anything other than the pure of my soul, of my own authenticity.

For my first year here I was on the side of one wall, and something that I really wanted was on the other side.  But I couldn't get there.  I just kept walking into the wall.  Now I feel like I am finding the doorway. Maybe not yet going through, but finding it.

I think Truth is the doorway.  Something about being yourself, being totally honest about who you are and where you're at.  I'm pretty sure that that's the space where real surrender can happen, because you are not trying to hide anymore.

Maa wants truth.  She wants purity.  She wants pure love.  She wants all your attachments.  She wants it all.  She told me so : "I want it all."  And Swami told me so too.  "She wants it all."

If you really want to be a disciple, if you want to become her reflection, you have to throw it all into the fire. And then watch it burn.

I think the person who can do that right away is extremely rare. As rare as Shree Maa and Swamiji.  But I do believe that if there is any tiny little part of you that even aspires to that, that the Guru will work for as long as it takes to expand that particle of renunciation until total surrender becomes your reality.

The process definitely can feel harsh on the outside, but I am convinced its for our own good. (Easier to say when you're out of the fire, yes).  And I think they only do it if they get the go ahead from you.  It's like a pact that you're in it together.  You give them permission to operate and try your best to go along for the ride as they do what they do.  And you may not be graceful, but at least you're trying.

And then the process moves forward. And every so often Maa makes a comment, and you remember that she already knows your heart, knows your thoughts, knows your soul, knows what you really want, and is acted accordingly.  That this is all for a purpose.

And you remember your pact.

There is so much to say and so much to explore.  For anyone who reads this, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I'm getting deeper into my seva...seva that I think will be lifelong- working on the temple website and doing some writing projects. That's where a lot of my computer time has been going to. 

I don't know what it's like reading this blog. Perhaps the writing is totally self indulgent.

But I can not write about what it's like to live with God or the bliss of the universe. I can only write about my journey.  About the process of becoming a disciple. Of what it's like to learn from a Guru.

I hope one day I can write it in a way that is without any flavor of "Look at me, look at me."

Jai Maa!

Perspectives change

You know what...

I thought I would live sooo far away from the world.  Just have nothing to do with it.  I thought that somehow I would live in a little hut in the woods of Vermont and no one would know I was there.  And I would probably be totally impoverished, and just live on dahl and rice.  And of course, in my mind, this was all a very romantic thing.

Now I am thinking....screw it.  That idea of that life clearly has not worked out for me, considering I  I am being pushed deeper and deeper into the world.  So the perspectives are changing to a more pro-active than "tune in, drop out" attitude.  I want to refine and develop a skill set with which I can support myself financially in the world, and with which I can use to serve Maa. 

I want to write, I want to edit, to work on the web, to learn graphic design and learn photoshop.  I want to have creative freedom.  I want to have plenty of money so that I'm not working as a retail clerk in someone else's store for my whole life.

And I want to be able to read the original Sanskrit.  And translate.  And actually know what I'm talking about.

I want to be at the top, not at the bottom.

And you know what else...  I'm going to drink a beer. 

Note to Self: Even if you're really tired...

One thing I've learned is that its best to keep your word to do something you said you would do, even if you are already super exhausted and your heart sinks as you watch the sleep time meter in your head diminish.

The strength and Shakti that comes from persevering and keep your word, even if its something you told yourself in passing that you accomplish, is GREATER than the creature comfort of sleep.

Note to Self:  Remember this when its late and you have unfinished business and all you want to do is crawl into bed.  Dive deep into your gut and pull up some will power.

"Tanme manaḥ śivasaṃkalpamastu" (May my mind be filled with that firm determination of Śiva, the Consciousness of Infinite Goodness) - Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram, Śiva Pūjā and Advanced Yagña by Swami Satyananda Saraswati

Late Night Hours: On Sleep Deprivation and the Temple at Night in all it's Glory.

Get up, no matter what.  That's how it should be.  That's how it needs to be to become the sadhu you want to be.

Sleep deprivation seems a common theme for anyone seriously involved in the Devi Mandir, and getting up in the morning is probably the single most challenging aspect of yoga practice for me.

It's also a common source of humor in the Mandir kitchen.  Many of us have fallen asleep and trailed of in our chanting while sitting...then the head drops and you wake back up.  There's also the chanting while half-asleep so you don't know what verses you've done and you end up repeating a verse, or a whole page, several times. 

The worst are the mornings doing sadhana in the temple when it's before sunrise and there's all this beautiful yogic energy around you, but you're so tired you can hardly keep your back straight, and all you want to do is lie down and curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on your asana blanket.  But you force yourself to stay up, even if it means going to the kitchen and making a strong cup of coffee.  And it helps when Maa and/or Swami come into the temple  When they are chanting, it carries you.  (Although, honestly, sometimes nothing helps and it's just plain hard.)

Then after sadhana you want to nap sooo bad, and you finally decide you're going to do it (it feels like sneaking chocolate or something), but on the way to your room you see a disciple on their way to work who is even more sleep deprived that you are, and you can't in good conscience take a nap.  Or you think of Swami and another disciple's words of "How must it feel if you are working so hard and all of your disciples are sleeping?") and that's inspiration enough to forego a nap and keep on trucking.

Then, late at night, at 1 in the morning, when you're back in the temple after working almost all day, you're so tired that you fall momentarily asleep while chanting.  And sometimes you even blurt random English words in the middle of my Sanskrit chanting from the sudden dream you would have (you  probably so exhausted that you drop right into deep REM or something), and then you snap awake and think oh my god I can't believe that just happened and keep chanting.

Then, when you're finished with your sadhana and you bow and put your head to the ground you want so badly just to stay there and go to sleep.  But you force yourself to stand up.  And see that the floor is very dirty, and Maa and Swami will walk on the floor and get rice stuck to their feet.  So you sweep.  And while you sweep, you realize that there is some incense ash that fell around Swami's incense holder and the incense holder should be clean and fresh for Him in the morning, so you put your broom down and you take the incense holder to the temple kitchen where you can fix it up.  Then you resume sweeping.  And you realize that the flower water in the vases my Maa's altar is very dirty.  So you pour them out and put in fresh water.  And it can go on like that until finally you gulp with a thought of "oh my god it's so late" when you finally leave the temple.

You actually love this.  You love being in the Temple alone, late at night.  You love being the last one to leave....turning off the lights,, locking the front door, and saying goodnight to that glorious Temple and its Divine residents - all the Gods and Goddess

Then you walk outside and the wildlife is awake and the crickets are churping and everything feels so alive.  And you are alone, outside of this beautiful Temple, under the stars, soaking in the sweet cooling rays of the moonlight.  And you dance under the stars....even if just a few twirls...and rejoice in the freshness of the night air and the palpable feeling of Shakti permeating the atmosphere.  It feels like a magical wonderland.  You pranam to the world around you with thoughts of "Jai Maa" and then finally go into the dharamshala to go to sleep, contemplating whether or not you have it in you to brush your teeth.

My first 6 months with Maa and Swami were the hardest in terms of coping with sleep deprivation.  I wasn't used to it and I felt like I was constantly exhausted and was always on the verge of getting sick.  My nature is to stay up late, late into the night and sleep late into the day.  Not a good schedule for a wannabe a sadhu.  I have to learn to still stay up late and get up early.  Swami said, "Get up no matter how you feel."  I probably nodded and said "Yes, Swami", but I haven't really followed through on it.  Not outside of the mandir.

Around Fall Navaratri of 2011 it really kicked up a notch and for 9 nights in a row I got about 3 hours of sleep each night.  It was exhausting and totally exhilerating.  It felt like it was my tapasya, my spiritual austerity, and it also felt like Maa and Swami's grace enabing me to do that...and some strong coffee (probably not the healthiest way to go).  That experience taught me about pushing the limits of what we think we're capable of doing.

Sleep has never been the same for me since then, but I'm not stabilized in being able to consistently get very little and be okay.  I need to start waking up early every single morning, no matter what.  I need to.  And it's going to be a huge hurtle to overcome in my practice.  Wish me luck, I need it!

Humility and Faith

I often thought about asking Swamiji what he felt was the most important quality for a spiritual seek to have.  I had a hunch he would say humility.  I guess I thought that because in my own path humility seems to be the umbrella factor.  By that I mean everything seems to happen within the space of humility.  When I am not humble I am lost and blind, wandering in circles.  If I a humble I can learn, I can grow, I can love, and I can live in truth.  For brief moments at least.

I seek humility.  In the moments of humility, that's where I find my peace.  That's where I find my connection to my Gurus.

You know the story of the Zen master and the scholar?  The Zen master pours tea into a cup, the cup overflowers...and overflowers...andoverflows....until finally the scholar can't take it anymore and He says Stop! What are you doing!?  And the Zen master says, "How can you expect to learn if you do not empty your cup?"

Well, when I first came to the Devi Mandir my cup was full.  But I didn't even know it.  I think a lot of the work Maa and Swami did with me at the beginning (and even now) was trying to get me to realize that I really don't know.  Only then can they fill my cup with Divine Knowledge.  A work in progress I guess.

So one day, while I was working on the new Devi Mandir website, I was looking at the spiritual questions and answers section.  There was a question to Swamiji asking what is the most important quality for a seeker to have.  Swamiji's answer?  Faith.

Of course whatever a Guru's answer is to question can change according to who is asking the question and when they are asking it.  Nevertheless, I think that any words spoken and any answers given by a realized being are worthy of attention and contemplation.  So...faith.

I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and I found that to have faith was something that I really need in my situation.  From the beginning I have felt a push and pull with Maa and Swami, particularly with Maa.  On the outside it feels like She pushes me away.  Often it feels like She just plain doesn't like me and doesn't want me around.  I have a lot of self doubt...that I'm not good enough, that I can't do this, and that She's trying to tell me that.  Trying to tell me not to bother, so turn around.

Sometimes I think it would be better if Maa just physically beat me.  I think I would know that She was playing with me, trying to root out the ego (although who knows, maybe if it happened I would cry).  But Her way with me now is so darn confusing on so many levels.  The only way through it, and the only way through it with any semblance of grace and maturity, is to have faith.  Faith in the Guru, faith in God, faith in myself, faith in all the unseen Sages, just plain Faith.

And keep going.

Life at the Temple

Life at the Temple =  WORK.

I work, and it feeds me.

It is actually a blessing to do any work here.  Put one dish away, you are blessed.  Polish a utensil, you are blessed.  Scrub a toilet, you are blessed.

It's all purification and it feels really good.

If I am efficient in a day and work really hard - especially doing things like cleaning bathrooms, when I finally sit down in the temple after showering for evening arati my mind and body feel so clean.  So purified, and so much more receptive to the vibrations of the Temple, to the vibrations of MAA.

I dont think that we have to purify because are bad.  I think we have to purify so that we have the capacity (on a metaphysical level - in our mental and pranic bodies) to accept the blessings and the Divine Love that Mother showers down upon us.

I think that Kali comes where we like it or not - sickness, death, transformation, the thorns of life's path that make us humble.  But I also think that in order for Kali to reveal to us the soul beneath the veil of the ego, that for that we have to be ready and willing to go through a very deep process.  We have to be open to seeing the truth of our actions, our mind, our current state of consciousness, and egoistic tendencies in order to transcend.  By looking them honestly and feeling the suffering rooted in the negativity I do believe that the seeds can be dissolved.  I think of it as feeling the "sting of selfishness."  When I feel that in an honest, true, and self-accountable way, I automatically want to move closer to unselfishness, to a state of non-suffering.

In my personal experience, my mind is NOT willing to look at the truths of my selfishness in my every day state of consciousness.  She shell of the ego is just too hard - forged from the iron will of a buffalo determined to live life for itself.

Kali is the one who I trust to meet me where I'm at.  When the Dark Night of the Soul comes and the Dawn of Mega Transformation is at hand, it is Kali who I meet.

Sarada Devi used to pray:

"Oh, Mother, let my mind be as pure as the moon."  or

"Oh, Mother, even the moon has stains on it, but let my mind be stainless."

Selfishness is a disease.
The Way of the Yogis is the medicine.
Shree Maa and Swamiji are my physicians.
The Chandi is my story,
and Divine Mother is the Director of it all.

Mother, bring me deeper into my heart and closer to the inner sanctum of your sacred beauty.

You are the purest example of what I want my soul to reflect.

Kali, show me THE WAY.

Jai Maa.

Maa is The Way

At Mandir.

Can hardly believe it's February.  Time is going by so fast.

I have utterly no capacity to become a sadhu.  None.

Maa is the only way.  Dissolving.  Letting Her take over.  Letting Her make the journey inside of me.  Only Her.

That is the only way.  That is The Way.

Maa is The Way.

Spiritual Life

This journey is both magical and difficult.
and sometimes I feel it is hard to go on...

Om Guru Om Guru Om Guru OM.

Sometimes the temple is a haven,
Sometimes the temple seems house of my sin.

Where is my Guru?

This journey is both magical and difficult.
Shree Maa is the Queen of it all,
Swamiji shows the path to her abode.

JAI Sri Sri Guru, OM Sri Sri Guru.

This journey is both magical and difficult.
Sometimes my mind is filled with doubt,
Better when my heart is filled with song!

Om OM! Sri Guru.

Please, help! Lead me from this worldy path,
Bring me to the Goddess of All Vibration
and Submerge me in Her Bliss!

AAUUMMMM Sri Guru,

You are the One.