Hi Again and Sailaputri Ma

So much has happened since my last post. [I have some writing from this time period stored on my computer, which I will try to soon edit and publish with its proper date.]

Good news first: I have begun performing the entire Cosmic Puja at the mandir, and will be staying at the temple for 2 months as the cosmic pujari when Maa and Swami go away to India.

I am very happy and grateful for this - it is the first time in more than two years I will be able to settle in in one place without driving back and forth all the time, and get to focus on my sadhana. And at the mandir no less - at the Cosmic Altar, in front of Mahalakshmi and all the deities, with the spiritual vibrations of the temple, and Maa and Swami's blessings.

Things are going well with Maa and Swami too. As time goes on, I feel more and more comfortable with them and that I can be myself - be real with them. And as the relationship grows, so does my seva. Or maybe the relationship grows because of my seva. I dont know, but anyways, they are growing together.

However, I've also gotten myself into some trouble over these last months with interpersonal issues. Completely unexpected, but hey, that's part of my life. I've learned a lot, I've made a lot of mistakes that are seeming to have some large kickbacks, which I go in and out of feeling very sad about, but I feel good knowing that now I'm picking up some of the pieces and moving forward. It's funny too that at this time I'm picking back up this blog, and it feels really good.

So, moving right along, here's my story for the day:

Today was not a great day for Shivani. I was very upset and depressed, with translated into not eating well, in bed a lot, never showered, did no sadhana…have you ever had one of those days?

I had been feeling good too and really getting into a rhythm with my puja, which I knew Divine Mother was very happy about. I had done my puja before leaving for the mandir this past weekend, and as of getting back last night and this morning and dealing with the emotions and upset of everything, still had not cleaned it.

I started to watch the Mandir class on Hanuman Puja at 6 pm tonight (you should check it out - it's very inspiring), and even typed in a question to be asked at the end, but then I fell asleep about halfway through the class, as I was lying in bed watching (note to self: [please sit up for class). When I woke up it was a little past 9 and dark outside.

I got out of bed, and looked for my phone to see if anyone had called (mostly, to see if I had missed a class from Maa). I was still feeling very groggy and depressed, but I had a bit of inspiration and told myself ok im going to at least clean my altar and do a little sadhana...just the Devi Kavach or something.

Right after I made that decision, Maa called.

I think of the saying that for every step we take toward God, God takes one hundred steps toward us.

Sailaputri Ma - Goddess of Inspiration 

 

 

Jai Sailaputri Ma! Jai Shree Maa!

I love you Maa...thank you.

Late Night Hours: On Sleep Deprivation and the Temple at Night in all it's Glory.

Get up, no matter what.  That's how it should be.  That's how it needs to be to become the sadhu you want to be.

Sleep deprivation seems a common theme for anyone seriously involved in the Devi Mandir, and getting up in the morning is probably the single most challenging aspect of yoga practice for me.

It's also a common source of humor in the Mandir kitchen.  Many of us have fallen asleep and trailed of in our chanting while sitting...then the head drops and you wake back up.  There's also the chanting while half-asleep so you don't know what verses you've done and you end up repeating a verse, or a whole page, several times. 

The worst are the mornings doing sadhana in the temple when it's before sunrise and there's all this beautiful yogic energy around you, but you're so tired you can hardly keep your back straight, and all you want to do is lie down and curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on your asana blanket.  But you force yourself to stay up, even if it means going to the kitchen and making a strong cup of coffee.  And it helps when Maa and/or Swami come into the temple  When they are chanting, it carries you.  (Although, honestly, sometimes nothing helps and it's just plain hard.)

Then after sadhana you want to nap sooo bad, and you finally decide you're going to do it (it feels like sneaking chocolate or something), but on the way to your room you see a disciple on their way to work who is even more sleep deprived that you are, and you can't in good conscience take a nap.  Or you think of Swami and another disciple's words of "How must it feel if you are working so hard and all of your disciples are sleeping?") and that's inspiration enough to forego a nap and keep on trucking.

Then, late at night, at 1 in the morning, when you're back in the temple after working almost all day, you're so tired that you fall momentarily asleep while chanting.  And sometimes you even blurt random English words in the middle of my Sanskrit chanting from the sudden dream you would have (you  probably so exhausted that you drop right into deep REM or something), and then you snap awake and think oh my god I can't believe that just happened and keep chanting.

Then, when you're finished with your sadhana and you bow and put your head to the ground you want so badly just to stay there and go to sleep.  But you force yourself to stand up.  And see that the floor is very dirty, and Maa and Swami will walk on the floor and get rice stuck to their feet.  So you sweep.  And while you sweep, you realize that there is some incense ash that fell around Swami's incense holder and the incense holder should be clean and fresh for Him in the morning, so you put your broom down and you take the incense holder to the temple kitchen where you can fix it up.  Then you resume sweeping.  And you realize that the flower water in the vases my Maa's altar is very dirty.  So you pour them out and put in fresh water.  And it can go on like that until finally you gulp with a thought of "oh my god it's so late" when you finally leave the temple.

You actually love this.  You love being in the Temple alone, late at night.  You love being the last one to leave....turning off the lights,, locking the front door, and saying goodnight to that glorious Temple and its Divine residents - all the Gods and Goddess

Then you walk outside and the wildlife is awake and the crickets are churping and everything feels so alive.  And you are alone, outside of this beautiful Temple, under the stars, soaking in the sweet cooling rays of the moonlight.  And you dance under the stars....even if just a few twirls...and rejoice in the freshness of the night air and the palpable feeling of Shakti permeating the atmosphere.  It feels like a magical wonderland.  You pranam to the world around you with thoughts of "Jai Maa" and then finally go into the dharamshala to go to sleep, contemplating whether or not you have it in you to brush your teeth.

My first 6 months with Maa and Swami were the hardest in terms of coping with sleep deprivation.  I wasn't used to it and I felt like I was constantly exhausted and was always on the verge of getting sick.  My nature is to stay up late, late into the night and sleep late into the day.  Not a good schedule for a wannabe a sadhu.  I have to learn to still stay up late and get up early.  Swami said, "Get up no matter how you feel."  I probably nodded and said "Yes, Swami", but I haven't really followed through on it.  Not outside of the mandir.

Around Fall Navaratri of 2011 it really kicked up a notch and for 9 nights in a row I got about 3 hours of sleep each night.  It was exhausting and totally exhilerating.  It felt like it was my tapasya, my spiritual austerity, and it also felt like Maa and Swami's grace enabing me to do that...and some strong coffee (probably not the healthiest way to go).  That experience taught me about pushing the limits of what we think we're capable of doing.

Sleep has never been the same for me since then, but I'm not stabilized in being able to consistently get very little and be okay.  I need to start waking up early every single morning, no matter what.  I need to.  And it's going to be a huge hurtle to overcome in my practice.  Wish me luck, I need it!

The Red Turtleneck

Some time ago in the fall when it just starting to become cold, I noticed that some of the disciples wore turtlenecks as an underlayer.  I do not know why this struck me -- perhaps because I used to wear turtlenecks and a child and hadn't since.  Or because I appreciate the modesty of being covered all the way up to your chin.

Either way, I had a specific desire for a red turtleneck.  Maa wheres a bright yellow sari with a red border (she looks to me like Simhavahini, the one who rides on a lion...she even looks like the lion itself with long flowing mane and all, fighting from the depths of her heart against all adharma).  But she used with wear a white sari with a red border, as did Sarada Devi and Anandamayi Maa.  This type of sari is a traditional Bengali tantric sari.  It symbolizes shiva (pure consciousness - white) and shakti (pure energy - red).

Verse 45 from the Guru Gita states: "Worship the pair of the Guru's feet with speech, mind, and illumination of consciousness.  He illuminates the various colors, white and red, indicating the Supreme manifestation of Shiva and Shakti (consciousness and nature).

So I had a desire for a red turtleneck.  The next evening after arati when I came back to my asana ater polishing some untensils I would a red turtleneck from Maa tossed onto my asana.

It was an interesting time to give me a gift, though.  Maa was't very happy with me that evening.  She had scolded me, telling me that I wasn't working from my heart.  And She asked pointedly, "What are you doing here?" saying that if I did not want to be part of this spiritual family that maybe I should only come on weekends.   She also told me, regarding me, "If I see one more negativity, our doors will completely closed to you." 

This was more than 8 months ago.  Now I'm booted from the ashram for 3 months.  And  I never have figured out that statement.  I do have negativities....a lot of them....if I didn't, I probably wouldn't need a Guru.  Sometimes I feel like She wants me to be perfect.  Just drop all my negativity and be perfect right now.

The thought of doing that seems impossible and it totally freaks me out and I want to have a panic attack and cry.  The thought of not doing it and turning my back on my Gurus is also difficult to swallow but in a less dramatic and much deeper way.

Swamiji says, "She wants it all."

STOP! There's an asura in this assembly.

I feel like I am never good enough.  I feel my impurities and my weaknesses and my spiritual stupidity and laziness burning in the limelight whenever Maa walks into my room.  Sometimes I feel like all She can see is my weakness, and that's what she responds to.  Like she puts the magnifying glass on those parts of myself. 

Sometimes I feel like I am a total fraud...an asura, a demon, who somehow snuck through the doors of the temple into the assembly of pure beings.  But Maa sees me for who I really am....Mahisasura.  The Great Ego.

On Getting the Boot, Surrender, Durga, Ganesha, and the Guru

Wow.  So I've been out here in California with Maa and Swami for about a year.  So much has happened.

And I just got kicked out of the Ashram.

Maa told me to leave and not to come back for 3 months until after I got my substitute teaching license.  It was funny timing.  I had been looking for a job for a few months and if Maa gave me the instruction to leave just a few days earlier I would have gone back to Vermont..at least for a visit.  I laded a job just a few days before She gave me the boot.

The week leading up to my getting the boot was one of the most intense weeks of my entire life.  Maa really had me the in the fire.  And then in the midst of the fire, I was supposed to be find peace.  Supposed to Let Go.  To Surrender. 

In the midst of not getting the things I think I want so badly, and watching other people get them,  She guides me to find where the real peace is.

That process of surrender is one that I am not well accustomed with.  But I hope that that will change over time.  I hope even in the near future.  (Be careful what you wish for, right?)

A friend of mine did a Tarot reading for me the other day.  The reading said that will power was not enough, I needed to find another way.  I knew that.  I've known that for a while.  The dynamic of intertia and regression back into the egoistic and self-destructive patterns is too great.  The darkness is too strong.

Part of me desires to grow in the spiritual path, to come closer to God, closer to Self Realization, to  Liberation.  But the other part fights so hard, impressively hard, against all that is good, holy, pure, and truly nourishing.  It feels like a spiritual schizophrenia of sorts, and it is extremely painful and confusing.  Swami says there is no shame in struggle.  Right now, I am very happy to hear that.

Every day is a struggle.  It feels like the battle of Chaṇḍī...the forces of duality (the asuras) against the forces of the devas (the Gods, the shining ones) every day.  And to be honest, every day I feel like I lose.  Most of the time I don't even put up a fight.  Its been that way for about as long as I can remember.  It feels too overwhelming, too hard to fight the darkness.  So I just give up and I let it take over in the myriad of ways it manfiests....self defeating habits and tendencies, etc. 

I like to coax myself into believing that this is okay that somehow I will just grow out of and become a sadhu, become perfect.  But on the inside Maa tells me that I have to be strong and fight, that that's the way.  I have to fight to stay at Mother's feet.  She will come to my rescue, but I have to discipline my mind to GO TO HER.

If I am unwilling to do that then I believe that I do not belong in an ashram.  At least not at the Devi Mandir.  So in three months I have the opportunity to become a sadhu.  Or at least the opportunity to make the decision to try.  To make the SANKALPA to walk the path.  To say NO to duality, NO to suffering, and NO to selfishness.....to the extent of my capacity.  To the extent of my capacity.  Not less than.  That means no cop outs and no excuses.  (I can't help but think, "Shit").

I think that Maa and Swami are doing everything in their power to wake me up.  With the help of my Guru's I've found that if you can open up, even one little bit,  to God's grace in the moments when your Guru is really scolding you or putting the fire stick to you, in those moments you can feel something bigger at work.  Pure Love.  Pure Goodness.  You might not know that's what you're feeling, but at the very least it certainly feels different than if someone else sends an abrupt or harsh message your way.

Sometimes all it takes is the faith there there is a softness behind it all...the faith that God and your Gurus are actually rooting for you, praying to God to help you succeed.  That faith can open the mind's perception to a new awareness of a most magnificent kindness, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement that is constantly and invisibly pushing you towards your goal.  And this force, this consciousness, this...whatever you want to call it....has no desire for recognition or praise.  That might be what I find the most amazing of all.  It asks for no recognition.

It makes me think that if we can open up our hearts and our minds in times of difficulty that there is  always this immense river of grace just waiting to flow into us...the trick is being ready and willing to receive it.  And I think that's what spiritual practice teaches us to do.

I have been thinking a lot about Durgā and Gaṇeśa.  Gaṇeśa is spoken of as the Remover of Obstructions or Obstacles, and Durgā is the Remover of Confusion (Durgam is confusion and Durgā is She who Takes Away All Confusion).    I think our tendency as beings trapped in suffering is to think that this means that some forces from the outside will come to automatically remove all of our problems so that life is easy, smooth, fun, and altogether perfect in the way we imagine it should be.  We get the job we want, the car we want, the house we want, the spouse we want, etc. etc. etc.  I am starting to think that it's a little different than that.  At least for those of us who yearn to grow spiritually.

I now think that Gaṇeśa Removes our Obstructions not on the outside, but the inside.  Gaṇeśa is the Lord of Wisdom, and it seems to me that the spiritual wisdom illuminated by all of the great seers in every tradition is the wisdom of non-attachment and total acceptance...an acceptance of everything that comes our way, so fully, that it is to the exclusion of all selfishness.  So I think that the Removal of Obstruction actually occurs with a shift of our perspective.  We begin to see the so-called "obstruction" as an opportunity.  An opportunity for spiritual growth.  An opportunity to come a little bit closer to God in a real and palpable way.  An opportunity to experience Divine Reality in whatever way the Divine Reality wants to express itself.  Where's the obstruction?  Instead of the obstruction we get an adventure.  We get to take a ride with God.

Swami often reminds us of Maa's teaching to let go of our burdens and pick them up as privileges.  I admit that whenever I hear that teaching part of me thinks "yeah, yeah, yeah..." and I push it to the side.  Because I don't want to do it.  My burdens feel like burdens.  Why should they feel anything different?  They ARE burdens. And their MY burdens!  I think what Maa and Swami are saying is that it's precisely this way of thinking, this attachment to the idea of burdens, that produces suffering.  It's totally self defeating.  To truly let go of how "I" want things to be means that I could actually experience the real saṇtoṣa, the real contentment, because it would be a contentment that does not rely on external factors that are out of my control and that are bound to change (aiṃ hrīṃ klīṃ........mahāsaraswatī, mahālakṣmī, mahākālī......creation, preservation, transformation....the nature of Nature is change).

If I let go, truly let go, of my suffering, then I will not suffer.  What a concept! So then my spiritual struggle lies in being willing to let go, being willing to surrender to that energy and consciousness of Pure Love that is always there as the underlying reality of all experience.  Being willing to keep the mind with Durgā as instead of Durgam.

When I observe my own mind, I see my lack of surrender and how increased surrender to the DIVINE would be extraordinarily helpful.

 The very moment that a thought of  dis-satisfaction or suffering comes and I give it creedence, it takes me away from Pure Love and reinforces my identification with that suffering.  Such thoughts bind the mind with the belief that suffering is somehow legitimate, somehow real, somehow necessary, and somehow helpful.  As if by hanging on to our suffering we will actually feel better.  Then the Guru comes and tries to help us let go of our suffering.  And we don't like that.  We feel, why are you trying to take this away from me??  It is MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SUFFER and by golly I am going to Suffer if it's the last thing I do!

And it is my right to suffer.  Which is why I have to be the one to let it go.  So in order to do that, even if its slowly, ever so slowly, the Guru helps me to learn that it actually does feel better to let go.  That it is okay to let go of suffering, and that I have the power to do just that.

And with power comes responsibility.  I am responsible for my own suffering, and I am responsible for releasing it.  Even entertaining the thought that my displeasure is being caused by something outside of myself is an excuse, an immature way of viewing reality.  Through spiritual discipline we take responsibility for this fact and purify the mind so that we can see reality through the eyes of love and surrender.  [Hopefully I'll be able to speak more on this subject once I can really do i!]

Durgā is the one who overcomes Durgam, but it is our responsibility to actually throw our chips in with Durgā.  She can take care of us once we surrender, but first we have to surrender.

If Shiva gets angry the Guru can defend you, but if the Guru gets angry...

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Last  Tuesday night after arati, Maa called the kitchen and a long time disciple picked up the phone.  He held it out to me and and said it was for me.  I was surprised and happy, feeling quite pleased that Maa would call for me.  I get on the phone and in a sweet voice say something like Jai Maa, or Yes, Maa?    

And Maa sounds very upset with me.

She said that she walked into my room and saw it was a mess.  She said she keeps telling me Satyan Shivan Sundaram (Truth, Consciousness, Bliss) -  to make beauty and God will come.  And that I am not listening.  She said I can’t stay here anymore, I cant be a part of “us” anymore, and she slammed the phone down. 

I was stunned.  Just in a state of shock.

I didn’t know what to do.  I went into my room and cleaned it, and then I think I sat on my bed and looked at how nice it looked clean.  And the strange thing was, the room was filled with SHAKTI.  Everything was a little bit more colorful, a little more vibrant than how it usually visible to me.  It was like Maa and opened up some door of energy.  She opened the door to a vision of the deep connection between Guru-Disciple.  A relationship that carries through lifetimes, through the ages, through EVEVERYTHING.

For the first time I felt empowered to fight for something I wanted.  I was willing to beg and plead Maa to me stay…not just bow my head in compliance and walk away.

I saw a vision of where this path with them will lead, and I felt a pull in my soul towards a Guru Disciple relationship that is not one of  a perfectly subservient goody two shoes disciple, but of a strong yogini who is deep, strong, and independent. 

I saw a vision of lila – where the drama is not so colored over with the blackness of attachment and suffering, but is full of play and the wisdom of God’s eternal grace and compassion.

I felt all that.  And I knew I couldn’t leave.

I went out and stood in front of the temple.  It was cold and I stood out in the night air barefoot on the stone.  It actually felt good to be outside …..the stars over my head, the cold stone under my feet, the cold air hugging my body and the electrified anticipation of throwing myself at the feet of Divine Mother, begging Her to let me stay…. the electrified feeling of a connection to ancient gurus and an ancient path, combined with shock, disbelief,  and un-ignorable jolt to my consciousness, and an all-encompassing feeling of not knowing.

I didn’t know what to do.  I talked to Parvati in a state of more abandon and emotional openness than usual and exclaimed to her that I couldn’t leave.  I just couldn’t.  Parvati went to speak with Maa (as she said, she’s the “buffer”) and came back with Maa’s message that Swami would speak to me in the morning.

The next morning I chanted in the temple as usual and anticipated speaking with Swami throughout the course of the scripture.  Swami came in in the middle of my sadhana and sat down on his asana and chanted the Chandi.  I finished before he was done and got ready to leave to go to work.  From the kitchen I kept watching for him to come out of the temple as it was getting later and later, and I had to go very soon.  Finally, I saw him come out.  I ran after him, and hearing my footsteps he turned around.

He spoke to me with the sternness of a father who is disciplining his child.  He told me that I could stay because he convinced Maa to let me stay.  He said that he didn’t enjoy defending me, that he doesn’t like inviting people here only to have Shree Maa wondering why this person has come at all.

He said that they did not want to start with the basics….hygiene, keeping a clean room, combing my hair in the morning, not keeping socks under the bed (I don’t think I’ll ever live that one down…)  He also quoted the Guru Gita, saying, “If Shiva gets angry the Guru can protect the disciple.  But if the Guru becomes angry…”

I said I would do better and it would not happen again.  He said of course I wouldn’t because that would mean game over.

I guess it’s not game over yet.

Evening Seva in the Temple with Maa

Maa tells me to remember Satyam Shivan Sundaram: Truth, Infinite Consciousness, and Beauty. (She also mentioned Satyan Shivam Sundaram to me the first time I ever visited the Temple, about a year ago.)

She says that when there is beauty, God is very happy, and Infinite Consciousness is coming.

Then we change Ganesha's outfit.  She wanted to make Him into a different form of Ganesha.  She says that Ganesha has 12 forms.  She is making Him into Mahotkota.  She said that Ganesha destorys all duality.  (I just looked up Mahotkota...He is an incarnation of Ganesha born to Kasyap Muni and Aditi who destroys two demons, Devantak and Narantak.  This Ganesha also is red in color, which is neat because Ganesha in the mandir, who we dressed up  and was made by Maa and Swami's own hands is also Red).

She keeps saying Mahotkota.  She is so Happy to to clean and dress Ganesha.  Almost like a little girl.  She twirls Ganesha's hair and we clean him a bit.  I help Her tie on his outfit and change His clothes.  It is so much fun to work with Her and also powerful and intense.  Doing anything with Maa is an experience of a lifetime.

We chant Ganesha's mantra together as we work, and She keeps telling me to be gentle.

People say She works so fast and efficiently....and its amazing, She does...but not in a rushing way.  The whole time She is so soft and still and gentle and full of love.  She always radiates love.  Its like She's the Sun.  Especially with her bright yellow sari.  Wherever She goes this warmth radiates from Her that warms your soul.

I try to ask her about Mahotkota, but all She says is that Ganesha destroys duality.  Swami probably would have spoken about the incarnation....but Him and Maa are different.  Maa really stays away from intellectual understanding.  She stays on the devotional side.  One time I tried to ask Her about a particular stotram and She said to ask Swami, She says, "I am not a pundit" and walks away.

She is beyond.

After Ganesha we change one Saraswati.  I am tired at this point.  Not just physically tired...but energetically tired.  Like I said, doing seva with Maa is an experience.  It is so intense, I almost felt like I could change another deity!  I wanted to relax! Being around Maa you have to stay in her bhava zone or else it doesn't work.  The ego doesn't want to do that.  It has to dissolve.

So we change one of the three Saraswatis on the cosmic altar, and then She tells me to pick out two more outfits for the other two Saraswatis so that She can use them later.  After that she joyfully tell us goodnight and leaves the Temple for the evening.

Everthing goes down a notch as soon as She leaves.  I help clean up the cloth and put away the boxes of the deity's clothes that we took out, and that evening I go through the clothing in the boxes, organizing and folding it, and find two outfits for Saraswati.  I felt an intuitive block....too focused on which outifts I "should" pick.  It didn't feel fun and free like doing seva with Maa.  And Maa did not end up using the outfits that I picked out.  And of course, what She used looked perfect.

She is truly a Goddess.

Jai Maa!  Jai Mahotkota!

First Talk with Shree Maa

First talk with Shree Maa in Her house.  She is so sweet!

I go into her room with her and She sits on the side of her bed with he feet on the floor.  I sit on the floor at Her feet.  I feel like I am in the innermost sanctum of the temple.  Maa is surrounding me.

First we talk about my goals in coming there.  We go up with two primary ones - Learning and Serving.  She also tells me to write up a schedule for the days that I will be at the Temple and to give it to her and one of her close disciples.

We talk about some seva that I will do, and then She tells me a recipe for Pongal - Shiva Rice - and says to make it today (Monday) because today is Shiva's day.

She tells me all the measurements except for salt.  She says that I have to do that for myself...She can not tell me how much I like.  For Her taste, it would be about a spoonful (She holds up her hand to gesture a spoonful). Then She smiles and says She will see how it turns out.  (She tastes it in the evening and says there is not enough salt.)

She asks me about my background and my parents.  She wants to see a photograph of them.  She also says to send their books to them and that they can watch the Devi Mandir webcam in order to know about Maa and Swami - who they are.

She says not so say that they are Hindu teachers, or that I am going to study to be a Hindu.  She says that She and Swami are not "Hindu."  They are Universal.  They teach everything.  They use Sanskrit because Sanskrit is the most efficient language by which to realize God.

She pauses and says, "Tell them we are human."  She has a smile and seems pleased with that description...like Shiva or Thakur (Ramakrishna) said it through Her and She is pleasantly surprised.  She chuckles.

Then She says that very few people serve Her selflessly, especially in the West.   She listed a few....it was a very small list.  "You understand?" She asks.