Wow. So I've been out here in California with Maa and Swami for about a year. So much has happened.
And I just got kicked out of the Ashram.
Maa told me to leave and not to come back for 3 months until after I got my substitute teaching license. It was funny timing. I had been looking for a job for a few months and if Maa gave me the instruction to leave just a few days earlier I would have gone back to Vermont..at least for a visit. I laded a job just a few days before She gave me the boot.
The week leading up to my getting the boot was one of the most intense weeks of my entire life. Maa really had me the in the fire. And then in the midst of the fire, I was supposed to be find peace. Supposed to Let Go. To Surrender.
In the midst of not getting the things I think I want so badly, and watching other people get them, She guides me to find where the real peace is.
That process of surrender is
one that I am not well accustomed with. But I hope that that will
change over time. I hope even in the near future. (Be careful what you wish for, right?)
A friend of mine did a Tarot reading for me the other day. The reading said that will power
was not enough, I needed to find another way. I knew that. I've known
that for a while. The dynamic of intertia and regression back into the
egoistic and self-destructive patterns is too great. The darkness is too strong.
Part of me desires to grow in the
spiritual path, to come closer to God, closer to Self Realization, to
Liberation. But the other part fights so hard, impressively hard,
against all that is good, holy, pure, and truly nourishing. It feels
like a spiritual schizophrenia of sorts, and it is extremely painful and
confusing. Swami says there is no shame in struggle. Right now, I am
very happy to hear that.
Every day is a struggle. It
feels like the battle of Chaṇḍī...the forces of duality (the asuras)
against the forces of the devas (the Gods, the shining ones) every day.
And to be honest, every day I feel like I lose. Most of the time I don't even put up a
fight. Its been that way for about as long as I can remember. It feels
too overwhelming, too hard to fight the darkness. So I just give up and I let it take over in the myriad of ways it manfiests....self defeating habits and tendencies, etc.
I
like to coax myself into believing that this is okay that somehow I
will just grow out of and become a sadhu, become perfect. But on the
inside Maa tells me that I have to be strong and fight, that that's the
way. I have to fight to stay at Mother's feet. She will come to my
rescue, but I have to discipline my mind to GO TO HER.
If
I am unwilling to do that then I believe that I do not belong in an
ashram. At least not at the Devi Mandir. So in three months I have the opportunity to become a sadhu. Or at least the opportunity to make the decision to try. To make the SANKALPA to walk the path. To say NO to duality, NO
to suffering, and NO to selfishness.....to the extent of my capacity. To the extent of my capacity. Not less than. That means no cop outs and no excuses. (I can't help but think, "Shit").
I think that Maa and Swami are doing everything in their power to wake me up. With the help of my Guru's I've found that if you can open up, even one little bit, to God's grace in the moments when your Guru is really scolding you or putting the fire stick to you, in those moments you can feel something bigger at work. Pure Love. Pure Goodness. You might not know that's what you're feeling, but at the very least it certainly feels different than if someone else sends an abrupt or harsh message your way.
Sometimes all it takes is the faith there there is a softness behind it all...the faith that God and your Gurus are actually rooting for you, praying to God to help you succeed. That faith can open the mind's perception to a new awareness of a most magnificent kindness, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement that is constantly and invisibly pushing you towards your goal. And this force, this consciousness, this...whatever you want to call it....has no desire for recognition or praise. That might be what I find the most amazing of all. It asks for no recognition.
It makes me think that if we can open up our hearts and our minds in times of difficulty that there is always this immense river of grace just waiting to flow into us...the trick is being ready and willing to receive it. And I think that's what spiritual practice teaches us to do.
I have been thinking a lot about Durgā and Gaṇeśa. Gaṇeśa is spoken of as the Remover of Obstructions or Obstacles, and Durgā is the Remover of Confusion (Durgam is confusion and Durgā is She who Takes Away All Confusion). I think our tendency as beings trapped in suffering is to think that this means that some forces from the outside will come to automatically remove all of our problems so that life is easy, smooth, fun, and altogether perfect in the way we imagine it should be. We get the job we want, the car we want, the house we want, the spouse we want, etc. etc. etc. I am starting to think that it's a little different than that. At least for those of us who yearn to grow spiritually.
I now think that Gaṇeśa Removes our Obstructions not on the outside, but the inside. Gaṇeśa is the Lord of Wisdom, and it seems to me that the spiritual wisdom illuminated by all of the great seers in every tradition is the wisdom of non-attachment and total acceptance...an acceptance of everything that comes our way, so fully, that it is to the exclusion of all selfishness. So I think that the Removal of Obstruction actually occurs with a shift of our perspective. We begin to see the so-called "obstruction" as an opportunity. An opportunity for spiritual growth. An opportunity to come a little bit closer to God in a real and palpable way. An opportunity to experience Divine Reality in whatever way the Divine Reality wants to express itself. Where's the obstruction? Instead of the obstruction we get an adventure. We get to take a ride with God.
Swami often reminds us of Maa's teaching to let go of our burdens and pick them up as privileges. I admit that whenever I hear that teaching part of me thinks "yeah, yeah, yeah..." and I push it to the side. Because I don't want to do it. My burdens feel like burdens. Why should they feel anything different? They ARE burdens. And their MY burdens! I think what Maa and Swami are saying is that it's precisely this way of thinking, this attachment to the idea of burdens, that produces suffering. It's totally self defeating. To truly let go of how "I" want things to be means that I could actually experience the real saṇtoṣa, the real contentment, because it would be a contentment that does not rely on external factors that are out of my control and that are bound to change (aiṃ hrīṃ klīṃ........mahāsaraswatī, mahālakṣmī, mahākālī......creation, preservation, transformation....the nature of Nature is change).
If I let go, truly let go, of my suffering, then I will not suffer. What a concept! So then my spiritual struggle lies in being willing to let go, being willing to surrender to that energy and consciousness of Pure Love that is always there as the underlying reality of all experience. Being willing to keep the mind with Durgā as instead of Durgam.
When I observe my own mind, I see my lack of surrender and how increased surrender to the DIVINE would be extraordinarily helpful.
The very moment that a thought of dis-satisfaction or suffering comes and I give it creedence, it takes me away from Pure Love and reinforces my identification with that suffering. Such thoughts bind the mind with the belief that suffering is somehow legitimate, somehow real, somehow necessary, and somehow helpful. As if by hanging on to our suffering we will actually feel better. Then the Guru comes and tries to help us let go of our suffering. And we don't like that. We feel, why are you trying to take this away from me?? It is MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SUFFER and by golly I am going to Suffer if it's the last thing I do!
And it is my right to suffer. Which is why I have to be the one to let it go. So in order to do that, even if its slowly, ever so slowly, the Guru helps me to learn that it actually does feel better to let go. That it is okay to let go of suffering, and that I have the power to do just that.
And with power comes responsibility. I am responsible for my own suffering, and I am responsible for releasing it. Even entertaining the thought that my displeasure is being caused by something outside of myself is an excuse, an immature way of viewing reality. Through spiritual discipline we take responsibility for this fact and purify the mind so that we can see reality through the eyes of love and surrender. [Hopefully I'll be able to speak more on this subject once I can really do i!]
Durgā is the one who overcomes Durgam, but it is our responsibility to actually throw our chips in with Durgā. She can take care of us once we surrender, but first we have to surrender.
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