Hi Again and Sailaputri Ma

So much has happened since my last post. [I have some writing from this time period stored on my computer, which I will try to soon edit and publish with its proper date.]

Good news first: I have begun performing the entire Cosmic Puja at the mandir, and will be staying at the temple for 2 months as the cosmic pujari when Maa and Swami go away to India.

I am very happy and grateful for this - it is the first time in more than two years I will be able to settle in in one place without driving back and forth all the time, and get to focus on my sadhana. And at the mandir no less - at the Cosmic Altar, in front of Mahalakshmi and all the deities, with the spiritual vibrations of the temple, and Maa and Swami's blessings.

Things are going well with Maa and Swami too. As time goes on, I feel more and more comfortable with them and that I can be myself - be real with them. And as the relationship grows, so does my seva. Or maybe the relationship grows because of my seva. I dont know, but anyways, they are growing together.

However, I've also gotten myself into some trouble over these last months with interpersonal issues. Completely unexpected, but hey, that's part of my life. I've learned a lot, I've made a lot of mistakes that are seeming to have some large kickbacks, which I go in and out of feeling very sad about, but I feel good knowing that now I'm picking up some of the pieces and moving forward. It's funny too that at this time I'm picking back up this blog, and it feels really good.

So, moving right along, here's my story for the day:

Today was not a great day for Shivani. I was very upset and depressed, with translated into not eating well, in bed a lot, never showered, did no sadhana…have you ever had one of those days?

I had been feeling good too and really getting into a rhythm with my puja, which I knew Divine Mother was very happy about. I had done my puja before leaving for the mandir this past weekend, and as of getting back last night and this morning and dealing with the emotions and upset of everything, still had not cleaned it.

I started to watch the Mandir class on Hanuman Puja at 6 pm tonight (you should check it out - it's very inspiring), and even typed in a question to be asked at the end, but then I fell asleep about halfway through the class, as I was lying in bed watching (note to self: [please sit up for class). When I woke up it was a little past 9 and dark outside.

I got out of bed, and looked for my phone to see if anyone had called (mostly, to see if I had missed a class from Maa). I was still feeling very groggy and depressed, but I had a bit of inspiration and told myself ok im going to at least clean my altar and do a little sadhana...just the Devi Kavach or something.

Right after I made that decision, Maa called.

I think of the saying that for every step we take toward God, God takes one hundred steps toward us.

Sailaputri Ma - Goddess of Inspiration 

 

 

Jai Sailaputri Ma! Jai Shree Maa!

I love you Maa...thank you.

shree maa and Shree Maa

Jai Shree Maa.  More and more I realize that Maa is the spirit of love and giving.

She really is so much more than just her body.

I can try and deny her...try and put up a shield when I feel angry or hurt that I am not around her like I would like to be.

But ultimately, how can I deny my own soul? It is so sad to push her away! It is the giving up of love and the embracement of anger and hatred. That is not what the spiritual path should be about.

A

Maa is the most beautiful. Sometimes I think her the cause of my troubles (sorry to say), for She is Kali, the Energy of Transformation.  But when I move from the mind to the heart, she allows me to remember that She is the most soothing.

The most loving.

Completely loving.

Always giving love, even when I do not accept her love and then blame her for the resulting discomfort.

She is the Mother.

The mind is veeeery tricky. It creates our own suffering and then shields the truth of our responsibility in this matter so that we blame the outside. Thus we remain in the cycle of suffering.

If I can't be around Maa's body, so be it, but then I at least want to try to learn to live with the soul.

Jesus is part of the path back to her. The act of forgiveness. Of becoming soft, so that we can let the love and the light in.

May all minds be receptive to this love and to this grace.  Swami reminds again and again that kripa, the Sanskrit word for grace, means "what you do is what you get." Kri = do and pa = get.

I think this can be more subtle than practicing meditation and receiving enlightenment. Or offering money and getting good karma. Perhaps the do can be as subtle as the tiniest energeting shift to open up. And then from that, the grace comes flooding in, and opens up the pathway so that even more grace can come.

They do say, after all, that if we take one step towards Divine Mother, she takes a thousand steps toward us.

J A I    S H R E E   M A A

In our hearts, we love you Maa. Please help us not to forget. For your love is always there, but our love makes the difference of whether or not we feel it.

When we have love, we feel your love. It's the same love.

One love. One Maa. One Soul. Jai Maa.

Lalita Trishati #2...

My favorite name from the Lalitā Triśati -

Name 193. lāṃgalāyudhā

"Who has an unconquerable plow." 

(translation from Swami Satyananda's  Lalitā Triśati in Shree Maa: The Guru and the Goddess)

Missing Maa

Today is the first day since the start of my three month hiatus that I really missed the Mandir.  More than anything, I miss Maa.  I miss her Pure Love.  Even if She ignores you, or She scolds you, still there is Her Pure Love that you feel deep down, that you keep coming back for.

And I miss Her cooking.  She is known for Her cooking.  It's not just that it tastes good, it is so Divine.  It is so nourishing.  It warms your soul and comforts your entire being.

I don't really miss the work from the Mandir.  All the cleaning and such.  But I miss the inspiration, dedication, energy, efficiency that I feel within myself when I'm there.  The Gurus, and the Gurus ashram, it inspires you to work hard to really try your best, to be the best you can be.

I hoped that in my time away I would learn to do that outside of the ashram as well.  On some level, I know it's up to me.  You just make the decision to leave laziness and all that holds you back behind.

I could say "But I feel inertia," and I want to, but the second I hear "But," I know its another excuse.

How long will I listen to the excuses?  The saints and sages say that human life is precious.  Already I feel that I've wasted so much time.

The Red Turtleneck

Some time ago in the fall when it just starting to become cold, I noticed that some of the disciples wore turtlenecks as an underlayer.  I do not know why this struck me -- perhaps because I used to wear turtlenecks and a child and hadn't since.  Or because I appreciate the modesty of being covered all the way up to your chin.

Either way, I had a specific desire for a red turtleneck.  Maa wheres a bright yellow sari with a red border (she looks to me like Simhavahini, the one who rides on a lion...she even looks like the lion itself with long flowing mane and all, fighting from the depths of her heart against all adharma).  But she used with wear a white sari with a red border, as did Sarada Devi and Anandamayi Maa.  This type of sari is a traditional Bengali tantric sari.  It symbolizes shiva (pure consciousness - white) and shakti (pure energy - red).

Verse 45 from the Guru Gita states: "Worship the pair of the Guru's feet with speech, mind, and illumination of consciousness.  He illuminates the various colors, white and red, indicating the Supreme manifestation of Shiva and Shakti (consciousness and nature).

So I had a desire for a red turtleneck.  The next evening after arati when I came back to my asana ater polishing some untensils I would a red turtleneck from Maa tossed onto my asana.

It was an interesting time to give me a gift, though.  Maa was't very happy with me that evening.  She had scolded me, telling me that I wasn't working from my heart.  And She asked pointedly, "What are you doing here?" saying that if I did not want to be part of this spiritual family that maybe I should only come on weekends.   She also told me, regarding me, "If I see one more negativity, our doors will completely closed to you." 

This was more than 8 months ago.  Now I'm booted from the ashram for 3 months.  And  I never have figured out that statement.  I do have negativities....a lot of them....if I didn't, I probably wouldn't need a Guru.  Sometimes I feel like She wants me to be perfect.  Just drop all my negativity and be perfect right now.

The thought of doing that seems impossible and it totally freaks me out and I want to have a panic attack and cry.  The thought of not doing it and turning my back on my Gurus is also difficult to swallow but in a less dramatic and much deeper way.

Swamiji says, "She wants it all."

Shree Maa

She is the Sun.

Maa is The Way

At Mandir.

Can hardly believe it's February.  Time is going by so fast.

I have utterly no capacity to become a sadhu.  None.

Maa is the only way.  Dissolving.  Letting Her take over.  Letting Her make the journey inside of me.  Only Her.

That is the only way.  That is The Way.

Maa is The Way.

Evening Seva in the Temple with Maa

Maa tells me to remember Satyam Shivan Sundaram: Truth, Infinite Consciousness, and Beauty. (She also mentioned Satyan Shivam Sundaram to me the first time I ever visited the Temple, about a year ago.)

She says that when there is beauty, God is very happy, and Infinite Consciousness is coming.

Then we change Ganesha's outfit.  She wanted to make Him into a different form of Ganesha.  She says that Ganesha has 12 forms.  She is making Him into Mahotkota.  She said that Ganesha destorys all duality.  (I just looked up Mahotkota...He is an incarnation of Ganesha born to Kasyap Muni and Aditi who destroys two demons, Devantak and Narantak.  This Ganesha also is red in color, which is neat because Ganesha in the mandir, who we dressed up  and was made by Maa and Swami's own hands is also Red).

She keeps saying Mahotkota.  She is so Happy to to clean and dress Ganesha.  Almost like a little girl.  She twirls Ganesha's hair and we clean him a bit.  I help Her tie on his outfit and change His clothes.  It is so much fun to work with Her and also powerful and intense.  Doing anything with Maa is an experience of a lifetime.

We chant Ganesha's mantra together as we work, and She keeps telling me to be gentle.

People say She works so fast and efficiently....and its amazing, She does...but not in a rushing way.  The whole time She is so soft and still and gentle and full of love.  She always radiates love.  Its like She's the Sun.  Especially with her bright yellow sari.  Wherever She goes this warmth radiates from Her that warms your soul.

I try to ask her about Mahotkota, but all She says is that Ganesha destroys duality.  Swami probably would have spoken about the incarnation....but Him and Maa are different.  Maa really stays away from intellectual understanding.  She stays on the devotional side.  One time I tried to ask Her about a particular stotram and She said to ask Swami, She says, "I am not a pundit" and walks away.

She is beyond.

After Ganesha we change one Saraswati.  I am tired at this point.  Not just physically tired...but energetically tired.  Like I said, doing seva with Maa is an experience.  It is so intense, I almost felt like I could change another deity!  I wanted to relax! Being around Maa you have to stay in her bhava zone or else it doesn't work.  The ego doesn't want to do that.  It has to dissolve.

So we change one of the three Saraswatis on the cosmic altar, and then She tells me to pick out two more outfits for the other two Saraswatis so that She can use them later.  After that she joyfully tell us goodnight and leaves the Temple for the evening.

Everthing goes down a notch as soon as She leaves.  I help clean up the cloth and put away the boxes of the deity's clothes that we took out, and that evening I go through the clothing in the boxes, organizing and folding it, and find two outfits for Saraswati.  I felt an intuitive block....too focused on which outifts I "should" pick.  It didn't feel fun and free like doing seva with Maa.  And Maa did not end up using the outfits that I picked out.  And of course, what She used looked perfect.

She is truly a Goddess.

Jai Maa!  Jai Mahotkota!

First Talk with Shree Maa

First talk with Shree Maa in Her house.  She is so sweet!

I go into her room with her and She sits on the side of her bed with he feet on the floor.  I sit on the floor at Her feet.  I feel like I am in the innermost sanctum of the temple.  Maa is surrounding me.

First we talk about my goals in coming there.  We go up with two primary ones - Learning and Serving.  She also tells me to write up a schedule for the days that I will be at the Temple and to give it to her and one of her close disciples.

We talk about some seva that I will do, and then She tells me a recipe for Pongal - Shiva Rice - and says to make it today (Monday) because today is Shiva's day.

She tells me all the measurements except for salt.  She says that I have to do that for myself...She can not tell me how much I like.  For Her taste, it would be about a spoonful (She holds up her hand to gesture a spoonful). Then She smiles and says She will see how it turns out.  (She tastes it in the evening and says there is not enough salt.)

She asks me about my background and my parents.  She wants to see a photograph of them.  She also says to send their books to them and that they can watch the Devi Mandir webcam in order to know about Maa and Swami - who they are.

She says not so say that they are Hindu teachers, or that I am going to study to be a Hindu.  She says that She and Swami are not "Hindu."  They are Universal.  They teach everything.  They use Sanskrit because Sanskrit is the most efficient language by which to realize God.

She pauses and says, "Tell them we are human."  She has a smile and seems pleased with that description...like Shiva or Thakur (Ramakrishna) said it through Her and She is pleasantly surprised.  She chuckles.

Then She says that very few people serve Her selflessly, especially in the West.   She listed a few....it was a very small list.  "You understand?" She asks.