Just Be Yourself

Swamiji says no two sadhus will have exactly the same repertoire.  I don't even feel like a proper sadhu to begin with.  Might as well just roll with it...

Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be like some of the other disciples, so pure and sattvic and rhythmic.   Although I hope I do head in that direction...

I come from the soil of dead heads and hippie freaks.  Of LSD and dancing into the wee hours of the morning.  Of Neem Karoli Baba (I still think he had something to do with the Grateful Dead...Maa too, for that matter).

I come from the crazy free style chanting of the sweat lodge, from dancing naked in the forest soaked with moonlight.  I worship Shiva and Shakti...I worship how I've learned from my teachers and my Gurus.  But I also worship in my own way.  The Goddess is mine to know.  Shiva is mine to know.  I want to know them.  I want to be in communion with my own soul.  That is my journey alone -- no one else's.

I had an astrology reading done long distance by one of Shiva Bala Yogi's American disciples.  At one point in the reading she told me that spiritually doesn't look like anything.  It's just you being in harmony with your own Self.  I didn't understand what she was telling me at the time.

I used to dream of being able to walk around in all orange.  Now I know that I wanted that for my own ego - as a prop to hold yourself up as a yogi or yogini in your mind-build identity instead of actually going through the process to really become one.

Now, I would rather know my own soul and walk around in jeans and a tee than wear orange and have a big ego about my "renunciation."

I would rather know no Sanskrit and know my own soul than know Sanskrit grammar and yet not know anything about the Divine Mother.  Although, I really want to know both.

My first spiritual teacher told me spirituality was about blindly bumbling backwards.  Swamiji says you need a goal and you need a plan.  My spiritual life involves both. 

Note to Self: Even if you're really tired...

One thing I've learned is that its best to keep your word to do something you said you would do, even if you are already super exhausted and your heart sinks as you watch the sleep time meter in your head diminish.

The strength and Shakti that comes from persevering and keep your word, even if its something you told yourself in passing that you accomplish, is GREATER than the creature comfort of sleep.

Note to Self:  Remember this when its late and you have unfinished business and all you want to do is crawl into bed.  Dive deep into your gut and pull up some will power.

"Tanme manaḥ śivasaṃkalpamastu" (May my mind be filled with that firm determination of Śiva, the Consciousness of Infinite Goodness) - Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram, Śiva Pūjā and Advanced Yagña by Swami Satyananda Saraswati

Missing Maa

Today is the first day since the start of my three month hiatus that I really missed the Mandir.  More than anything, I miss Maa.  I miss her Pure Love.  Even if She ignores you, or She scolds you, still there is Her Pure Love that you feel deep down, that you keep coming back for.

And I miss Her cooking.  She is known for Her cooking.  It's not just that it tastes good, it is so Divine.  It is so nourishing.  It warms your soul and comforts your entire being.

I don't really miss the work from the Mandir.  All the cleaning and such.  But I miss the inspiration, dedication, energy, efficiency that I feel within myself when I'm there.  The Gurus, and the Gurus ashram, it inspires you to work hard to really try your best, to be the best you can be.

I hoped that in my time away I would learn to do that outside of the ashram as well.  On some level, I know it's up to me.  You just make the decision to leave laziness and all that holds you back behind.

I could say "But I feel inertia," and I want to, but the second I hear "But," I know its another excuse.

How long will I listen to the excuses?  The saints and sages say that human life is precious.  Already I feel that I've wasted so much time.

Reflections on this Blog

When Swamiji first told me to write this blog, I had really mixed feelings about it.  Or rather, I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about it.  Sorry to say, but it's true.

If you are totally self centered and fascinated with your own "story" and you go to someone to try and become un-self centered, probably one of the last things you want to hear them tell you is to write about yourself, publicly.  I still feel like maybe Swamiji was playing with my desire for people to know about me, to know my story.  Playing with my tendency to think MY story is more interesting, or less interesting for that matter, than anybody else's.  (Maa said on the night of Holi in the kitchen, "Everyone has a story.")

As with everything that my Gurus suggest, in actually I enjoy working with this blog.  It's a great way to reflect and to deepen understanding, and its also a nice release when you don't have anyone to talk to and you're not spiritually advanced enough to through all of your thoughts in the Divine Fire with a declaration of "svaha," "I am One with God!")

When I am writing on my screen, there is no one directly on the other side hearing the words.  And part of me thinks not many people will read this at all, so I feel free just to write. 

I pray to the Mother Saraswatī that the experience of writing for this blog helps me to learn, to grow, and to more deeply absorb the teachings of my Gurus.  I pray to the Goddess and to my Gurus for forgiveness for any mistakes I make a long the way.

Kṣamāsya.  Please forgive me.