Hi, my name is Shivani and I'm addicted to attachment.

Authentic Yoga is the Cosmic 8-Step Program.

Points covered in the program:

1. Everything that happens is karmically perfect. All suffering is the result of our own attachment.


2. Events cause activity in the unenlightened mind. This produces more karma unless the seeker uses these mental ripples as inspiration to go deeper, to find Shankara (a name for Shiva meaning "The Cause of Peace").

3. The mind and the emotions are addicted to attachment, while the inner soul is the abode of Chandi (Chandi= the Goddess, "She Who Tears Apart Thought"). Spiritual life is about learning to make the right choice, Chandi, to produce to result you truly want, peace and happiness.  This is a monumental shift. The Guru teaches how to make the shift.

4. Gurus can not make the choice for you, but they can inspire you and give you the tools to make the right choice.  They have a lot of patience.

5. Chandi and the Guru are the only salvation, because they are beyond attachment. 

Back at the Mandir

Wow.  So much has been changing.  Life with a Guru is amazingly full and rich...it might not be easy but it's definitely NOT boring.

I am back at the Mandir now.  My time away was hugely transformative and a great blessing.  Maa knew it would be good for me. I felt like I began to find my soul again. I learned a lot about myself...my real self, apart from the conceptions of what I thought it meant to be spiritual. Apart from who I thought I should be for Maa and Swami.

When I was fighting for acceptance, I felt a barrier between us - now I know it was a barrier of my own making. Now that I feel more of the desire to just find myself, I feel their support and feel them pulling me in. They are Spiritual Geniuses. Masters.

I have more and more respect for them as time goes on. Because they prove to me their selflessness and their love again and again.And I forget and lose faith again and again. But they don't abandon me. I am ungrateful and stubborn, and I find baby steps challenging. They are infinitely patient and forgiving. (Not too long ago I heard a devotee say something to which Swamiji's response was, "I'm in no rush" and looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. The initial comment was not about the spiritual journey, but I think the implications of the response were very deep.) 

And they do not try and shape me into anything other than the pure of my soul, of my own authenticity.

For my first year here I was on the side of one wall, and something that I really wanted was on the other side.  But I couldn't get there.  I just kept walking into the wall.  Now I feel like I am finding the doorway. Maybe not yet going through, but finding it.

I think Truth is the doorway.  Something about being yourself, being totally honest about who you are and where you're at.  I'm pretty sure that that's the space where real surrender can happen, because you are not trying to hide anymore.

Maa wants truth.  She wants purity.  She wants pure love.  She wants all your attachments.  She wants it all.  She told me so : "I want it all."  And Swami told me so too.  "She wants it all."

If you really want to be a disciple, if you want to become her reflection, you have to throw it all into the fire. And then watch it burn.

I think the person who can do that right away is extremely rare. As rare as Shree Maa and Swamiji.  But I do believe that if there is any tiny little part of you that even aspires to that, that the Guru will work for as long as it takes to expand that particle of renunciation until total surrender becomes your reality.

The process definitely can feel harsh on the outside, but I am convinced its for our own good. (Easier to say when you're out of the fire, yes).  And I think they only do it if they get the go ahead from you.  It's like a pact that you're in it together.  You give them permission to operate and try your best to go along for the ride as they do what they do.  And you may not be graceful, but at least you're trying.

And then the process moves forward. And every so often Maa makes a comment, and you remember that she already knows your heart, knows your thoughts, knows your soul, knows what you really want, and is acted accordingly.  That this is all for a purpose.

And you remember your pact.

There is so much to say and so much to explore.  For anyone who reads this, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I'm getting deeper into my seva...seva that I think will be lifelong- working on the temple website and doing some writing projects. That's where a lot of my computer time has been going to. 

I don't know what it's like reading this blog. Perhaps the writing is totally self indulgent.

But I can not write about what it's like to live with God or the bliss of the universe. I can only write about my journey.  About the process of becoming a disciple. Of what it's like to learn from a Guru.

I hope one day I can write it in a way that is without any flavor of "Look at me, look at me."

Jai Maa!

Humility and Faith

I often thought about asking Swamiji what he felt was the most important quality for a spiritual seek to have.  I had a hunch he would say humility.  I guess I thought that because in my own path humility seems to be the umbrella factor.  By that I mean everything seems to happen within the space of humility.  When I am not humble I am lost and blind, wandering in circles.  If I a humble I can learn, I can grow, I can love, and I can live in truth.  For brief moments at least.

I seek humility.  In the moments of humility, that's where I find my peace.  That's where I find my connection to my Gurus.

You know the story of the Zen master and the scholar?  The Zen master pours tea into a cup, the cup overflowers...and overflowers...andoverflows....until finally the scholar can't take it anymore and He says Stop! What are you doing!?  And the Zen master says, "How can you expect to learn if you do not empty your cup?"

Well, when I first came to the Devi Mandir my cup was full.  But I didn't even know it.  I think a lot of the work Maa and Swami did with me at the beginning (and even now) was trying to get me to realize that I really don't know.  Only then can they fill my cup with Divine Knowledge.  A work in progress I guess.

So one day, while I was working on the new Devi Mandir website, I was looking at the spiritual questions and answers section.  There was a question to Swamiji asking what is the most important quality for a seeker to have.  Swamiji's answer?  Faith.

Of course whatever a Guru's answer is to question can change according to who is asking the question and when they are asking it.  Nevertheless, I think that any words spoken and any answers given by a realized being are worthy of attention and contemplation.  So...faith.

I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and I found that to have faith was something that I really need in my situation.  From the beginning I have felt a push and pull with Maa and Swami, particularly with Maa.  On the outside it feels like She pushes me away.  Often it feels like She just plain doesn't like me and doesn't want me around.  I have a lot of self doubt...that I'm not good enough, that I can't do this, and that She's trying to tell me that.  Trying to tell me not to bother, so turn around.

Sometimes I think it would be better if Maa just physically beat me.  I think I would know that She was playing with me, trying to root out the ego (although who knows, maybe if it happened I would cry).  But Her way with me now is so darn confusing on so many levels.  The only way through it, and the only way through it with any semblance of grace and maturity, is to have faith.  Faith in the Guru, faith in God, faith in myself, faith in all the unseen Sages, just plain Faith.

And keep going.

Reflections on Swami Satyananda Saraswati

I found this photograph of Swamiji online.  I love it because it's feels so upclose, like you're right there with him.  And his eyes are so kind and wise.  Like he is your favorite grandfather with all the knowledge in the world.

He is the one you feel safe with, and you love to be at his feet.  You feel protected there.  Like nothing can harm you.  You sit there contentedly soaking in the stories of ancient rishis and devas.  Sitting next to him chanting Sanskrit is your favorite place in the entire world to be.

 He is your Beloved Guru.  He is a Seer, a Sage, a Risi.  He is Shiva and He is Brahma.

Watching him on Shivaratri 2012, even being in the same room with him was just amazing.  A truly life-changing experience.  There was so much love coming off of both Maa and Swami.  Just radiating off of them in continuous waves. 

Swamiji was, as one devotee put it, "On fire."  His chanting was so electrified. Him and Maa were putting it out all out there, givin' it everything they got.  That's what it seemed like to me at least.  Sanskrit infused with the power of realization, the sincerity of one-pointed focus, and inner absorption in the infinity and sanctity of Love.  They were cosmic radio transmitters - transmitting vibrations into the most subtle regions of our minds, bodies, and souls in order to wake us up.

To watch him seated on his asana chanting the scriptures at the fire - the 1000 names of Shiva, the Rudrashtadhyayi, Om namah shivaya - was to watch Brahma seated on the lotus of peace.  Absorbed into the cosmic reality.  Expounding the scriptures with with the innate authority of the One who is the source of scripture.

Some months later I listened to Swami describe what it is that he says during the saṅkalpa part of the pujas (where you hold a flower with your left hand, cover it with your right, and state who you are, where you are, and what you're doing).  There's a part in the saṅkalpa where you say your name and your sadhu family name (gotra).  When Swamiji performs worship he says "Satyananda gotra ca Bhavesh gotra" (ca is the Sanskrit word for "and").

He said that he began to add in Bhavesh gotra when he was inititated into Sannyas, and that that part of his lineage traces back to Brahma.

To learn more about Swamiji, visit www.shreemaa.org/meet-swami-satyananda-saraswati/

Swami Satyananda Saraswati

I love this photograph.  I see it as Swami's inner reality, and the ideal of my own inner reality....the lone yogi (or yogini) in a cave meditating upon the Goddess.

Shree Maa

She is the Sun.

GURU

Here is what I have to say about being with a Guru:

It is nothing like you can possibly imagine.  The Guru is the one who takes you beyond the mind, who kneads you and stretches you. She pushes the limits of your consciousness.  So how could you imagine?

I believe that everyone's path to enlightenment is different.  And every disciple and devotee's relationship with the Guru will be unique.  But no matter what form it takes, its all directed towards bringing you to your own Self Realization.  And how she's going to do it...well, you don't really have a say!  But it seems to me that it takes the most backward and strangely perfect route...made just for you.

I believe that true cave is in the heart, and and that the true yogis reside continuously in the cave. You can't just decide one day, okay, im going to live in a cave and be enlightened.  Its a process, a long and winding journey.  Sometimes you will romp joyously through the meadows.  Sometimes you want to just curl in a ball under a tree and cry.  The Guru, the Master, is the one who can guide you on the journey.

I believe that being around Saints is so powerful because they reside in pure love, in a reality that is Divine. And they relate to us as Divine.  They are in constant communication with the Divine Soul. They talk to our True Self.  The Self that is ever pure, whole, and perfect.  Untainted.  True.  Beautiful. 

Krishna plays his flute and lures the Gopis into the forest.  The snake charmers play the flute and the snake out of their our coil.   Likewise, Gurus sing the song of pure consciousness and wake us up.

We will wake up.  And we will become living, breathing, moving expressions of Divine Harmony, allowing the Song of Nature, the tune of the Guru, to flow through us.  That is the Bhagavad Gita. The Song of God.  There is no moment that is not part of Nature's Song.  There is no breath that it is not part of Divine Creation. 

Om Aim Hrim Klim Camundayai Vicce.

The Universe is constantly changing.  May we live in constant harmony with the cosmic dance.

Jai Maa.

If Shiva gets angry the Guru can defend you, but if the Guru gets angry...

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Last  Tuesday night after arati, Maa called the kitchen and a long time disciple picked up the phone.  He held it out to me and and said it was for me.  I was surprised and happy, feeling quite pleased that Maa would call for me.  I get on the phone and in a sweet voice say something like Jai Maa, or Yes, Maa?    

And Maa sounds very upset with me.

She said that she walked into my room and saw it was a mess.  She said she keeps telling me Satyan Shivan Sundaram (Truth, Consciousness, Bliss) -  to make beauty and God will come.  And that I am not listening.  She said I can’t stay here anymore, I cant be a part of “us” anymore, and she slammed the phone down. 

I was stunned.  Just in a state of shock.

I didn’t know what to do.  I went into my room and cleaned it, and then I think I sat on my bed and looked at how nice it looked clean.  And the strange thing was, the room was filled with SHAKTI.  Everything was a little bit more colorful, a little more vibrant than how it usually visible to me.  It was like Maa and opened up some door of energy.  She opened the door to a vision of the deep connection between Guru-Disciple.  A relationship that carries through lifetimes, through the ages, through EVEVERYTHING.

For the first time I felt empowered to fight for something I wanted.  I was willing to beg and plead Maa to me stay…not just bow my head in compliance and walk away.

I saw a vision of where this path with them will lead, and I felt a pull in my soul towards a Guru Disciple relationship that is not one of  a perfectly subservient goody two shoes disciple, but of a strong yogini who is deep, strong, and independent. 

I saw a vision of lila – where the drama is not so colored over with the blackness of attachment and suffering, but is full of play and the wisdom of God’s eternal grace and compassion.

I felt all that.  And I knew I couldn’t leave.

I went out and stood in front of the temple.  It was cold and I stood out in the night air barefoot on the stone.  It actually felt good to be outside …..the stars over my head, the cold stone under my feet, the cold air hugging my body and the electrified anticipation of throwing myself at the feet of Divine Mother, begging Her to let me stay…. the electrified feeling of a connection to ancient gurus and an ancient path, combined with shock, disbelief,  and un-ignorable jolt to my consciousness, and an all-encompassing feeling of not knowing.

I didn’t know what to do.  I talked to Parvati in a state of more abandon and emotional openness than usual and exclaimed to her that I couldn’t leave.  I just couldn’t.  Parvati went to speak with Maa (as she said, she’s the “buffer”) and came back with Maa’s message that Swami would speak to me in the morning.

The next morning I chanted in the temple as usual and anticipated speaking with Swami throughout the course of the scripture.  Swami came in in the middle of my sadhana and sat down on his asana and chanted the Chandi.  I finished before he was done and got ready to leave to go to work.  From the kitchen I kept watching for him to come out of the temple as it was getting later and later, and I had to go very soon.  Finally, I saw him come out.  I ran after him, and hearing my footsteps he turned around.

He spoke to me with the sternness of a father who is disciplining his child.  He told me that I could stay because he convinced Maa to let me stay.  He said that he didn’t enjoy defending me, that he doesn’t like inviting people here only to have Shree Maa wondering why this person has come at all.

He said that they did not want to start with the basics….hygiene, keeping a clean room, combing my hair in the morning, not keeping socks under the bed (I don’t think I’ll ever live that one down…)  He also quoted the Guru Gita, saying, “If Shiva gets angry the Guru can protect the disciple.  But if the Guru becomes angry…”

I said I would do better and it would not happen again.  He said of course I wouldn’t because that would mean game over.

I guess it’s not game over yet.

Om Sri Gurave Namah, Om Nandeshwaraya Namah

Om Sri Gurave Namaha.

It is funny how humbling this whole adventure is.  I was SO SURE I wanted a guru – wanted to devote my life to a guru. Study under a guru.  Be with the guru.  Ultimately, become One with the Guru.  She shows me that in doing this I will be asked to make sacrifice.  Sometimes it feels so beautiful and magical, like how you imagine it would be with a Divine Guru.  Sometimes, it feels just plain hard and you realize that the reality is vastly different from the fantasy.  The guru doesn’t tell you what you want to hear.  She tells she what you need to hear.  

Maa and Swami’s path is truly a path of sacrifice.  Of renunciation.   From the beginning I have had thoughts of leaving.  Of going back to my old life in Vermont.  Having my parents buy me that house that they offered.  Opening a ayurvedic cafe or doing henna or something. But so much pain and great confusion comes from questions of leaving.   Great strength comes from the determination to stay – from making the decision to follow one and to stick to it, no matter what.

 Swami says, “It’s nto freedom from commitment, but freedom THROUGH commitment.”  May Divine Mother give me the strength to follow this path to its end.  May Shiva bless me with unwavering conviction.  Om Nandeshwaraya Namaha.  OM I bow to Nandi, Shiva’s vahana (vehicle), the Bull of Discipline.

[Ultimately I do not believe the the question of “staying” or “leaving” has to do with a physical location.  But at this point in my path that seems to be how the concept is most clearly manifesting.]

We have a Dalai Lama “Daily Wisdom” book at work.  One quote that seems particularly applicable is from October 24.  He says, “We speak of three different types of faith.  The first is faith in the form of admiration that you have toward a particular person or a particular state of being.  The second is aspiring faith.  There is a sense of emulation – you aspire to attain that state of being.  The third type is the faith of conviction” (The Path to Tranquility, 324).

I once read of Swami Yukteshwar’s kriya yoga path that the practices of kriya yoga are akin to speeding up the natural process of the soul’s evolution.  Astronomically speaking, this would mean that by performing a certain number of kriyas on a daily basis, one evolution around the sun becomes equivalent to many evolutions around the sun in the life of the practitioner.  Being around Maa and Swamiji, I feel like my soul has been put on a rocket ship and is going around the sun at speeds that are sometimes, to say the least, uncomfortable.  When my mind turns from them my ego relishes the break, but very quickly I long for their guidance and their gentle push.  I miss them, and I miss the intensity of being cooked in the pot of their vibrations.

I feel like a total failure a lot of the time.  I have a hard time even with the basics – eating a yogic diet, getting up early.  Becoming organized and efficient.  I feel like a yogic invalid!  I get grumpy and tired and resentful.  I can not imagine what it must be like for the Guru to be with us youngins – and to do so with such love.  What is it like for them?  What would it be like to live with that sat cit ananda – to become so established in truth and love.  To really attain to sannyas (the establishment of truth within).

Even in the midst of hardship the orange color of renunciation is a fire burning on the horizon.  The sadhus carry with them a certain presence.  A certain funkiness.  A purity of soul and self.  I can only pray for the strength to make that journey up the spine.  To beckon kundalini to bring me from bhur, the gross level of existence, to the cosmic OM.   

Om Bhur Bhuvah Svaha.  Om.

Spiritual Life

This journey is both magical and difficult.
and sometimes I feel it is hard to go on...

Om Guru Om Guru Om Guru OM.

Sometimes the temple is a haven,
Sometimes the temple seems house of my sin.

Where is my Guru?

This journey is both magical and difficult.
Shree Maa is the Queen of it all,
Swamiji shows the path to her abode.

JAI Sri Sri Guru, OM Sri Sri Guru.

This journey is both magical and difficult.
Sometimes my mind is filled with doubt,
Better when my heart is filled with song!

Om OM! Sri Guru.

Please, help! Lead me from this worldy path,
Bring me to the Goddess of All Vibration
and Submerge me in Her Bliss!

AAUUMMMM Sri Guru,

You are the One.