If Shiva gets angry the Guru can defend you, but if the Guru gets angry...

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Last  Tuesday night after arati, Maa called the kitchen and a long time disciple picked up the phone.  He held it out to me and and said it was for me.  I was surprised and happy, feeling quite pleased that Maa would call for me.  I get on the phone and in a sweet voice say something like Jai Maa, or Yes, Maa?    

And Maa sounds very upset with me.

She said that she walked into my room and saw it was a mess.  She said she keeps telling me Satyan Shivan Sundaram (Truth, Consciousness, Bliss) -  to make beauty and God will come.  And that I am not listening.  She said I can’t stay here anymore, I cant be a part of “us” anymore, and she slammed the phone down. 

I was stunned.  Just in a state of shock.

I didn’t know what to do.  I went into my room and cleaned it, and then I think I sat on my bed and looked at how nice it looked clean.  And the strange thing was, the room was filled with SHAKTI.  Everything was a little bit more colorful, a little more vibrant than how it usually visible to me.  It was like Maa and opened up some door of energy.  She opened the door to a vision of the deep connection between Guru-Disciple.  A relationship that carries through lifetimes, through the ages, through EVEVERYTHING.

For the first time I felt empowered to fight for something I wanted.  I was willing to beg and plead Maa to me stay…not just bow my head in compliance and walk away.

I saw a vision of where this path with them will lead, and I felt a pull in my soul towards a Guru Disciple relationship that is not one of  a perfectly subservient goody two shoes disciple, but of a strong yogini who is deep, strong, and independent. 

I saw a vision of lila – where the drama is not so colored over with the blackness of attachment and suffering, but is full of play and the wisdom of God’s eternal grace and compassion.

I felt all that.  And I knew I couldn’t leave.

I went out and stood in front of the temple.  It was cold and I stood out in the night air barefoot on the stone.  It actually felt good to be outside …..the stars over my head, the cold stone under my feet, the cold air hugging my body and the electrified anticipation of throwing myself at the feet of Divine Mother, begging Her to let me stay…. the electrified feeling of a connection to ancient gurus and an ancient path, combined with shock, disbelief,  and un-ignorable jolt to my consciousness, and an all-encompassing feeling of not knowing.

I didn’t know what to do.  I talked to Parvati in a state of more abandon and emotional openness than usual and exclaimed to her that I couldn’t leave.  I just couldn’t.  Parvati went to speak with Maa (as she said, she’s the “buffer”) and came back with Maa’s message that Swami would speak to me in the morning.

The next morning I chanted in the temple as usual and anticipated speaking with Swami throughout the course of the scripture.  Swami came in in the middle of my sadhana and sat down on his asana and chanted the Chandi.  I finished before he was done and got ready to leave to go to work.  From the kitchen I kept watching for him to come out of the temple as it was getting later and later, and I had to go very soon.  Finally, I saw him come out.  I ran after him, and hearing my footsteps he turned around.

He spoke to me with the sternness of a father who is disciplining his child.  He told me that I could stay because he convinced Maa to let me stay.  He said that he didn’t enjoy defending me, that he doesn’t like inviting people here only to have Shree Maa wondering why this person has come at all.

He said that they did not want to start with the basics….hygiene, keeping a clean room, combing my hair in the morning, not keeping socks under the bed (I don’t think I’ll ever live that one down…)  He also quoted the Guru Gita, saying, “If Shiva gets angry the Guru can protect the disciple.  But if the Guru becomes angry…”

I said I would do better and it would not happen again.  He said of course I wouldn’t because that would mean game over.

I guess it’s not game over yet.