Wow. So much has been changing. Life with a Guru is amazingly full and rich...it might not be easy but it's definitely NOT boring.
I am back at the Mandir now. My time away was hugely transformative and a great blessing. Maa knew it would be good for me. I felt like I began to find my soul again. I learned a lot about myself...my real self, apart from the conceptions of what I thought it meant to be spiritual. Apart from who I thought I should be for Maa and Swami.
When I was fighting for acceptance, I felt a barrier between us - now I know it was a barrier of my own making. Now that I feel more of the desire to just find myself, I feel their support and feel them pulling me in. They are Spiritual Geniuses. Masters.
I have more and more respect for them as time goes on. Because they prove to me their selflessness and their love again and again.And I forget and lose faith again and again. But they don't abandon me. I am ungrateful and stubborn, and I find baby steps challenging. They are infinitely patient and forgiving. (Not too long ago I heard a devotee
say something to which Swamiji's response was, "I'm in no rush" and
looked at me with a
sparkle in his eye. The initial comment was not about the spiritual
journey, but I think the implications of the response were very
deep.)
And they do not try and shape me into anything other than the pure of my soul, of my own authenticity.
For my first year here I was on the side of one wall, and something that I really wanted was on the other side. But I couldn't get there. I just kept walking into the wall. Now I feel like I am finding the doorway. Maybe not yet going through, but finding it.
I think Truth is the doorway. Something about being yourself, being totally honest about who you are and where you're at. I'm pretty sure that that's the space where real surrender can happen, because you are not trying to hide anymore.
Maa wants truth. She wants purity. She wants pure love. She wants all your attachments. She wants it all. She told me so : "I want it all." And Swami told me so too. "She wants it all."
If you really want to be a disciple, if you want to become her reflection, you have to throw it all into the fire. And then watch it burn.
I think the person who can do that right away is extremely rare. As rare as Shree Maa and Swamiji. But I do believe that if there is any tiny little part of you that even aspires to that, that the Guru will work for as long as it takes to expand that particle of renunciation until total surrender becomes your reality.
The process definitely can feel harsh on the outside, but I am convinced its for our own good. (Easier to say when you're out of the fire, yes). And I think they only do it if they get the go ahead from you. It's like a pact that you're in it together. You give them permission to operate and try your best to go along for the ride as they do what they do. And you may not be graceful, but at least you're trying.
And then the process moves forward. And every so often Maa makes a comment, and you remember that she already knows your heart, knows your thoughts, knows your soul, knows what you really want, and is acted accordingly. That this is all for a purpose.
And you remember your pact.
There is so much to say and so much to explore. For anyone who reads this, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm getting deeper into my seva...seva that I think will be lifelong- working on the temple website and doing some writing projects. That's where a lot of my computer time has been going to.
I don't know what it's like reading this blog. Perhaps the writing is totally self indulgent.
But I can not write about what it's like to live with God or the bliss of the universe. I can only write about my journey. About the process of becoming a disciple. Of what it's like to learn from a Guru.
I hope one day I can write it in a way that is without any flavor of "Look at me, look at me."
Jai Maa!
