Om Sri Gurave Namah, Om Nandeshwaraya Namah

Om Sri Gurave Namaha.

It is funny how humbling this whole adventure is.  I was SO SURE I wanted a guru – wanted to devote my life to a guru. Study under a guru.  Be with the guru.  Ultimately, become One with the Guru.  She shows me that in doing this I will be asked to make sacrifice.  Sometimes it feels so beautiful and magical, like how you imagine it would be with a Divine Guru.  Sometimes, it feels just plain hard and you realize that the reality is vastly different from the fantasy.  The guru doesn’t tell you what you want to hear.  She tells she what you need to hear.  

Maa and Swami’s path is truly a path of sacrifice.  Of renunciation.   From the beginning I have had thoughts of leaving.  Of going back to my old life in Vermont.  Having my parents buy me that house that they offered.  Opening a ayurvedic cafe or doing henna or something. But so much pain and great confusion comes from questions of leaving.   Great strength comes from the determination to stay – from making the decision to follow one and to stick to it, no matter what.

 Swami says, “It’s nto freedom from commitment, but freedom THROUGH commitment.”  May Divine Mother give me the strength to follow this path to its end.  May Shiva bless me with unwavering conviction.  Om Nandeshwaraya Namaha.  OM I bow to Nandi, Shiva’s vahana (vehicle), the Bull of Discipline.

[Ultimately I do not believe the the question of “staying” or “leaving” has to do with a physical location.  But at this point in my path that seems to be how the concept is most clearly manifesting.]

We have a Dalai Lama “Daily Wisdom” book at work.  One quote that seems particularly applicable is from October 24.  He says, “We speak of three different types of faith.  The first is faith in the form of admiration that you have toward a particular person or a particular state of being.  The second is aspiring faith.  There is a sense of emulation – you aspire to attain that state of being.  The third type is the faith of conviction” (The Path to Tranquility, 324).

I once read of Swami Yukteshwar’s kriya yoga path that the practices of kriya yoga are akin to speeding up the natural process of the soul’s evolution.  Astronomically speaking, this would mean that by performing a certain number of kriyas on a daily basis, one evolution around the sun becomes equivalent to many evolutions around the sun in the life of the practitioner.  Being around Maa and Swamiji, I feel like my soul has been put on a rocket ship and is going around the sun at speeds that are sometimes, to say the least, uncomfortable.  When my mind turns from them my ego relishes the break, but very quickly I long for their guidance and their gentle push.  I miss them, and I miss the intensity of being cooked in the pot of their vibrations.

I feel like a total failure a lot of the time.  I have a hard time even with the basics – eating a yogic diet, getting up early.  Becoming organized and efficient.  I feel like a yogic invalid!  I get grumpy and tired and resentful.  I can not imagine what it must be like for the Guru to be with us youngins – and to do so with such love.  What is it like for them?  What would it be like to live with that sat cit ananda – to become so established in truth and love.  To really attain to sannyas (the establishment of truth within).

Even in the midst of hardship the orange color of renunciation is a fire burning on the horizon.  The sadhus carry with them a certain presence.  A certain funkiness.  A purity of soul and self.  I can only pray for the strength to make that journey up the spine.  To beckon kundalini to bring me from bhur, the gross level of existence, to the cosmic OM.   

Om Bhur Bhuvah Svaha.  Om.

Spiritual Life

This journey is both magical and difficult.
and sometimes I feel it is hard to go on...

Om Guru Om Guru Om Guru OM.

Sometimes the temple is a haven,
Sometimes the temple seems house of my sin.

Where is my Guru?

This journey is both magical and difficult.
Shree Maa is the Queen of it all,
Swamiji shows the path to her abode.

JAI Sri Sri Guru, OM Sri Sri Guru.

This journey is both magical and difficult.
Sometimes my mind is filled with doubt,
Better when my heart is filled with song!

Om OM! Sri Guru.

Please, help! Lead me from this worldy path,
Bring me to the Goddess of All Vibration
and Submerge me in Her Bliss!

AAUUMMMM Sri Guru,

You are the One.

Evening Seva in the Temple with Maa

Maa tells me to remember Satyam Shivan Sundaram: Truth, Infinite Consciousness, and Beauty. (She also mentioned Satyan Shivam Sundaram to me the first time I ever visited the Temple, about a year ago.)

She says that when there is beauty, God is very happy, and Infinite Consciousness is coming.

Then we change Ganesha's outfit.  She wanted to make Him into a different form of Ganesha.  She says that Ganesha has 12 forms.  She is making Him into Mahotkota.  She said that Ganesha destorys all duality.  (I just looked up Mahotkota...He is an incarnation of Ganesha born to Kasyap Muni and Aditi who destroys two demons, Devantak and Narantak.  This Ganesha also is red in color, which is neat because Ganesha in the mandir, who we dressed up  and was made by Maa and Swami's own hands is also Red).

She keeps saying Mahotkota.  She is so Happy to to clean and dress Ganesha.  Almost like a little girl.  She twirls Ganesha's hair and we clean him a bit.  I help Her tie on his outfit and change His clothes.  It is so much fun to work with Her and also powerful and intense.  Doing anything with Maa is an experience of a lifetime.

We chant Ganesha's mantra together as we work, and She keeps telling me to be gentle.

People say She works so fast and efficiently....and its amazing, She does...but not in a rushing way.  The whole time She is so soft and still and gentle and full of love.  She always radiates love.  Its like She's the Sun.  Especially with her bright yellow sari.  Wherever She goes this warmth radiates from Her that warms your soul.

I try to ask her about Mahotkota, but all She says is that Ganesha destroys duality.  Swami probably would have spoken about the incarnation....but Him and Maa are different.  Maa really stays away from intellectual understanding.  She stays on the devotional side.  One time I tried to ask Her about a particular stotram and She said to ask Swami, She says, "I am not a pundit" and walks away.

She is beyond.

After Ganesha we change one Saraswati.  I am tired at this point.  Not just physically tired...but energetically tired.  Like I said, doing seva with Maa is an experience.  It is so intense, I almost felt like I could change another deity!  I wanted to relax! Being around Maa you have to stay in her bhava zone or else it doesn't work.  The ego doesn't want to do that.  It has to dissolve.

So we change one of the three Saraswatis on the cosmic altar, and then She tells me to pick out two more outfits for the other two Saraswatis so that She can use them later.  After that she joyfully tell us goodnight and leaves the Temple for the evening.

Everthing goes down a notch as soon as She leaves.  I help clean up the cloth and put away the boxes of the deity's clothes that we took out, and that evening I go through the clothing in the boxes, organizing and folding it, and find two outfits for Saraswati.  I felt an intuitive block....too focused on which outifts I "should" pick.  It didn't feel fun and free like doing seva with Maa.  And Maa did not end up using the outfits that I picked out.  And of course, what She used looked perfect.

She is truly a Goddess.

Jai Maa!  Jai Mahotkota!

First Talk with Shree Maa

First talk with Shree Maa in Her house.  She is so sweet!

I go into her room with her and She sits on the side of her bed with he feet on the floor.  I sit on the floor at Her feet.  I feel like I am in the innermost sanctum of the temple.  Maa is surrounding me.

First we talk about my goals in coming there.  We go up with two primary ones - Learning and Serving.  She also tells me to write up a schedule for the days that I will be at the Temple and to give it to her and one of her close disciples.

We talk about some seva that I will do, and then She tells me a recipe for Pongal - Shiva Rice - and says to make it today (Monday) because today is Shiva's day.

She tells me all the measurements except for salt.  She says that I have to do that for myself...She can not tell me how much I like.  For Her taste, it would be about a spoonful (She holds up her hand to gesture a spoonful). Then She smiles and says She will see how it turns out.  (She tastes it in the evening and says there is not enough salt.)

She asks me about my background and my parents.  She wants to see a photograph of them.  She also says to send their books to them and that they can watch the Devi Mandir webcam in order to know about Maa and Swami - who they are.

She says not so say that they are Hindu teachers, or that I am going to study to be a Hindu.  She says that She and Swami are not "Hindu."  They are Universal.  They teach everything.  They use Sanskrit because Sanskrit is the most efficient language by which to realize God.

She pauses and says, "Tell them we are human."  She has a smile and seems pleased with that description...like Shiva or Thakur (Ramakrishna) said it through Her and She is pleasantly surprised.  She chuckles.

Then She says that very few people serve Her selflessly, especially in the West.   She listed a few....it was a very small list.  "You understand?" She asks.

Swami Says

After the chanting the Chandi Path when I go up to Maa and Swami to get my blessing, Swami says:

"There is always more to do.  When you reach the limit, it's just the beginning.  That's Shiva.  You make it as good as you possibly can, and that's just the beginning.  Then you make it better."

Jai Guru.  Jai Shiva.