Dentist or Divinity?

As I sat in the dentist today for 2 hours - yes, that's right, 2 hours - my nerves felt on end and I though this must be what torture is like except they don't give you novacane.

Then I thought - everything can be divine, even a trip to the dentist. Maybe not divine in the sense that I have some completely cosmic out there experience. But maybe on the path, divinity is often more subtle. Maybe now is the time to find divinity in my heart - in a simple feeling of love.

Swami has mentioned over the last few months that in the practice of puja we learn to control our energy. He talked about this a lot in terms of prana prathishth

a and establishing the pot. He said we take the energy for the deity, put it into the pot, take the energy from our heart, put it into the yantra, then take the energy back and put it into our heart.

He said we have all this divine energy, we can start to control it and give it away to wherever and whoever we want. "I have this flower of God's love in my heart and I want you to have it."

I suppose then, even a trip to the dentist's office can be an opportunity to offer a flower of God's love to another.

Jai Guru.

Hi Again and Sailaputri Ma

So much has happened since my last post. [I have some writing from this time period stored on my computer, which I will try to soon edit and publish with its proper date.]

Good news first: I have begun performing the entire Cosmic Puja at the mandir, and will be staying at the temple for 2 months as the cosmic pujari when Maa and Swami go away to India.

I am very happy and grateful for this - it is the first time in more than two years I will be able to settle in in one place without driving back and forth all the time, and get to focus on my sadhana. And at the mandir no less - at the Cosmic Altar, in front of Mahalakshmi and all the deities, with the spiritual vibrations of the temple, and Maa and Swami's blessings.

Things are going well with Maa and Swami too. As time goes on, I feel more and more comfortable with them and that I can be myself - be real with them. And as the relationship grows, so does my seva. Or maybe the relationship grows because of my seva. I dont know, but anyways, they are growing together.

However, I've also gotten myself into some trouble over these last months with interpersonal issues. Completely unexpected, but hey, that's part of my life. I've learned a lot, I've made a lot of mistakes that are seeming to have some large kickbacks, which I go in and out of feeling very sad about, but I feel good knowing that now I'm picking up some of the pieces and moving forward. It's funny too that at this time I'm picking back up this blog, and it feels really good.

So, moving right along, here's my story for the day:

Today was not a great day for Shivani. I was very upset and depressed, with translated into not eating well, in bed a lot, never showered, did no sadhana…have you ever had one of those days?

I had been feeling good too and really getting into a rhythm with my puja, which I knew Divine Mother was very happy about. I had done my puja before leaving for the mandir this past weekend, and as of getting back last night and this morning and dealing with the emotions and upset of everything, still had not cleaned it.

I started to watch the Mandir class on Hanuman Puja at 6 pm tonight (you should check it out - it's very inspiring), and even typed in a question to be asked at the end, but then I fell asleep about halfway through the class, as I was lying in bed watching (note to self: [please sit up for class). When I woke up it was a little past 9 and dark outside.

I got out of bed, and looked for my phone to see if anyone had called (mostly, to see if I had missed a class from Maa). I was still feeling very groggy and depressed, but I had a bit of inspiration and told myself ok im going to at least clean my altar and do a little sadhana...just the Devi Kavach or something.

Right after I made that decision, Maa called.

I think of the saying that for every step we take toward God, God takes one hundred steps toward us.

Sailaputri Ma - Goddess of Inspiration 

 

 

Jai Sailaputri Ma! Jai Shree Maa!

I love you Maa...thank you.

shree maa and Shree Maa

Jai Shree Maa.  More and more I realize that Maa is the spirit of love and giving.

She really is so much more than just her body.

I can try and deny her...try and put up a shield when I feel angry or hurt that I am not around her like I would like to be.

But ultimately, how can I deny my own soul? It is so sad to push her away! It is the giving up of love and the embracement of anger and hatred. That is not what the spiritual path should be about.

A

Maa is the most beautiful. Sometimes I think her the cause of my troubles (sorry to say), for She is Kali, the Energy of Transformation.  But when I move from the mind to the heart, she allows me to remember that She is the most soothing.

The most loving.

Completely loving.

Always giving love, even when I do not accept her love and then blame her for the resulting discomfort.

She is the Mother.

The mind is veeeery tricky. It creates our own suffering and then shields the truth of our responsibility in this matter so that we blame the outside. Thus we remain in the cycle of suffering.

If I can't be around Maa's body, so be it, but then I at least want to try to learn to live with the soul.

Jesus is part of the path back to her. The act of forgiveness. Of becoming soft, so that we can let the love and the light in.

May all minds be receptive to this love and to this grace.  Swami reminds again and again that kripa, the Sanskrit word for grace, means "what you do is what you get." Kri = do and pa = get.

I think this can be more subtle than practicing meditation and receiving enlightenment. Or offering money and getting good karma. Perhaps the do can be as subtle as the tiniest energeting shift to open up. And then from that, the grace comes flooding in, and opens up the pathway so that even more grace can come.

They do say, after all, that if we take one step towards Divine Mother, she takes a thousand steps toward us.

J A I    S H R E E   M A A

In our hearts, we love you Maa. Please help us not to forget. For your love is always there, but our love makes the difference of whether or not we feel it.

When we have love, we feel your love. It's the same love.

One love. One Maa. One Soul. Jai Maa.

Spiritual Life is a Battle

There's a reason Krishna told Arjuna to stand up and fight.

There's a reason why the story of the Chandi Path is a bloody battle.

There's a reason why the Gurus are both gentle and fierce.

 There's a reason why we struggle.

And, one day, we will succeed.

A Poem to Divine Mother Chandi

Oh Goddess,
Won't you teach me to be free?
When will I get tired of swimming is this sea of misery?


My mind is addicted to all the thoughts going by,
while my soul is married to She Who is Beyond Time.


Oh Goddess,
Won't you teach me to dance on your tides?
Like my Gurus, who with Divine Detachment, keep only you in mind.


Oh Goddess,
Teach me to come closer, Teach me to Surrender to Pure Love,
So that I may live with you in your Holy Yantra Abode.


Your eternal rhythm is the Ultimate Goal.

Purify me of all insincerity.

Hi, my name is Shivani and I'm addicted to attachment.

Authentic Yoga is the Cosmic 8-Step Program.

Points covered in the program:

1. Everything that happens is karmically perfect. All suffering is the result of our own attachment.


2. Events cause activity in the unenlightened mind. This produces more karma unless the seeker uses these mental ripples as inspiration to go deeper, to find Shankara (a name for Shiva meaning "The Cause of Peace").

3. The mind and the emotions are addicted to attachment, while the inner soul is the abode of Chandi (Chandi= the Goddess, "She Who Tears Apart Thought"). Spiritual life is about learning to make the right choice, Chandi, to produce to result you truly want, peace and happiness.  This is a monumental shift. The Guru teaches how to make the shift.

4. Gurus can not make the choice for you, but they can inspire you and give you the tools to make the right choice.  They have a lot of patience.

5. Chandi and the Guru are the only salvation, because they are beyond attachment. 

Back at the Mandir

Wow.  So much has been changing.  Life with a Guru is amazingly full and rich...it might not be easy but it's definitely NOT boring.

I am back at the Mandir now.  My time away was hugely transformative and a great blessing.  Maa knew it would be good for me. I felt like I began to find my soul again. I learned a lot about myself...my real self, apart from the conceptions of what I thought it meant to be spiritual. Apart from who I thought I should be for Maa and Swami.

When I was fighting for acceptance, I felt a barrier between us - now I know it was a barrier of my own making. Now that I feel more of the desire to just find myself, I feel their support and feel them pulling me in. They are Spiritual Geniuses. Masters.

I have more and more respect for them as time goes on. Because they prove to me their selflessness and their love again and again.And I forget and lose faith again and again. But they don't abandon me. I am ungrateful and stubborn, and I find baby steps challenging. They are infinitely patient and forgiving. (Not too long ago I heard a devotee say something to which Swamiji's response was, "I'm in no rush" and looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. The initial comment was not about the spiritual journey, but I think the implications of the response were very deep.) 

And they do not try and shape me into anything other than the pure of my soul, of my own authenticity.

For my first year here I was on the side of one wall, and something that I really wanted was on the other side.  But I couldn't get there.  I just kept walking into the wall.  Now I feel like I am finding the doorway. Maybe not yet going through, but finding it.

I think Truth is the doorway.  Something about being yourself, being totally honest about who you are and where you're at.  I'm pretty sure that that's the space where real surrender can happen, because you are not trying to hide anymore.

Maa wants truth.  She wants purity.  She wants pure love.  She wants all your attachments.  She wants it all.  She told me so : "I want it all."  And Swami told me so too.  "She wants it all."

If you really want to be a disciple, if you want to become her reflection, you have to throw it all into the fire. And then watch it burn.

I think the person who can do that right away is extremely rare. As rare as Shree Maa and Swamiji.  But I do believe that if there is any tiny little part of you that even aspires to that, that the Guru will work for as long as it takes to expand that particle of renunciation until total surrender becomes your reality.

The process definitely can feel harsh on the outside, but I am convinced its for our own good. (Easier to say when you're out of the fire, yes).  And I think they only do it if they get the go ahead from you.  It's like a pact that you're in it together.  You give them permission to operate and try your best to go along for the ride as they do what they do.  And you may not be graceful, but at least you're trying.

And then the process moves forward. And every so often Maa makes a comment, and you remember that she already knows your heart, knows your thoughts, knows your soul, knows what you really want, and is acted accordingly.  That this is all for a purpose.

And you remember your pact.

There is so much to say and so much to explore.  For anyone who reads this, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I'm getting deeper into my seva...seva that I think will be lifelong- working on the temple website and doing some writing projects. That's where a lot of my computer time has been going to. 

I don't know what it's like reading this blog. Perhaps the writing is totally self indulgent.

But I can not write about what it's like to live with God or the bliss of the universe. I can only write about my journey.  About the process of becoming a disciple. Of what it's like to learn from a Guru.

I hope one day I can write it in a way that is without any flavor of "Look at me, look at me."

Jai Maa!