Back at the Mandir

Wow.  So much has been changing.  Life with a Guru is amazingly full and rich...it might not be easy but it's definitely NOT boring.

I am back at the Mandir now.  My time away was hugely transformative and a great blessing.  Maa knew it would be good for me. I felt like I began to find my soul again. I learned a lot about myself...my real self, apart from the conceptions of what I thought it meant to be spiritual. Apart from who I thought I should be for Maa and Swami.

When I was fighting for acceptance, I felt a barrier between us - now I know it was a barrier of my own making. Now that I feel more of the desire to just find myself, I feel their support and feel them pulling me in. They are Spiritual Geniuses. Masters.

I have more and more respect for them as time goes on. Because they prove to me their selflessness and their love again and again.And I forget and lose faith again and again. But they don't abandon me. I am ungrateful and stubborn, and I find baby steps challenging. They are infinitely patient and forgiving. (Not too long ago I heard a devotee say something to which Swamiji's response was, "I'm in no rush" and looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. The initial comment was not about the spiritual journey, but I think the implications of the response were very deep.) 

And they do not try and shape me into anything other than the pure of my soul, of my own authenticity.

For my first year here I was on the side of one wall, and something that I really wanted was on the other side.  But I couldn't get there.  I just kept walking into the wall.  Now I feel like I am finding the doorway. Maybe not yet going through, but finding it.

I think Truth is the doorway.  Something about being yourself, being totally honest about who you are and where you're at.  I'm pretty sure that that's the space where real surrender can happen, because you are not trying to hide anymore.

Maa wants truth.  She wants purity.  She wants pure love.  She wants all your attachments.  She wants it all.  She told me so : "I want it all."  And Swami told me so too.  "She wants it all."

If you really want to be a disciple, if you want to become her reflection, you have to throw it all into the fire. And then watch it burn.

I think the person who can do that right away is extremely rare. As rare as Shree Maa and Swamiji.  But I do believe that if there is any tiny little part of you that even aspires to that, that the Guru will work for as long as it takes to expand that particle of renunciation until total surrender becomes your reality.

The process definitely can feel harsh on the outside, but I am convinced its for our own good. (Easier to say when you're out of the fire, yes).  And I think they only do it if they get the go ahead from you.  It's like a pact that you're in it together.  You give them permission to operate and try your best to go along for the ride as they do what they do.  And you may not be graceful, but at least you're trying.

And then the process moves forward. And every so often Maa makes a comment, and you remember that she already knows your heart, knows your thoughts, knows your soul, knows what you really want, and is acted accordingly.  That this is all for a purpose.

And you remember your pact.

There is so much to say and so much to explore.  For anyone who reads this, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I'm getting deeper into my seva...seva that I think will be lifelong- working on the temple website and doing some writing projects. That's where a lot of my computer time has been going to. 

I don't know what it's like reading this blog. Perhaps the writing is totally self indulgent.

But I can not write about what it's like to live with God or the bliss of the universe. I can only write about my journey.  About the process of becoming a disciple. Of what it's like to learn from a Guru.

I hope one day I can write it in a way that is without any flavor of "Look at me, look at me."

Jai Maa!

Just Be Yourself

Swamiji says no two sadhus will have exactly the same repertoire.  I don't even feel like a proper sadhu to begin with.  Might as well just roll with it...

Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be like some of the other disciples, so pure and sattvic and rhythmic.   Although I hope I do head in that direction...

I come from the soil of dead heads and hippie freaks.  Of LSD and dancing into the wee hours of the morning.  Of Neem Karoli Baba (I still think he had something to do with the Grateful Dead...Maa too, for that matter).

I come from the crazy free style chanting of the sweat lodge, from dancing naked in the forest soaked with moonlight.  I worship Shiva and Shakti...I worship how I've learned from my teachers and my Gurus.  But I also worship in my own way.  The Goddess is mine to know.  Shiva is mine to know.  I want to know them.  I want to be in communion with my own soul.  That is my journey alone -- no one else's.

I had an astrology reading done long distance by one of Shiva Bala Yogi's American disciples.  At one point in the reading she told me that spiritually doesn't look like anything.  It's just you being in harmony with your own Self.  I didn't understand what she was telling me at the time.

I used to dream of being able to walk around in all orange.  Now I know that I wanted that for my own ego - as a prop to hold yourself up as a yogi or yogini in your mind-build identity instead of actually going through the process to really become one.

Now, I would rather know my own soul and walk around in jeans and a tee than wear orange and have a big ego about my "renunciation."

I would rather know no Sanskrit and know my own soul than know Sanskrit grammar and yet not know anything about the Divine Mother.  Although, I really want to know both.

My first spiritual teacher told me spirituality was about blindly bumbling backwards.  Swamiji says you need a goal and you need a plan.  My spiritual life involves both. 

Perspectives change

You know what...

I thought I would live sooo far away from the world.  Just have nothing to do with it.  I thought that somehow I would live in a little hut in the woods of Vermont and no one would know I was there.  And I would probably be totally impoverished, and just live on dahl and rice.  And of course, in my mind, this was all a very romantic thing.

Now I am thinking....screw it.  That idea of that life clearly has not worked out for me, considering I  I am being pushed deeper and deeper into the world.  So the perspectives are changing to a more pro-active than "tune in, drop out" attitude.  I want to refine and develop a skill set with which I can support myself financially in the world, and with which I can use to serve Maa. 

I want to write, I want to edit, to work on the web, to learn graphic design and learn photoshop.  I want to have creative freedom.  I want to have plenty of money so that I'm not working as a retail clerk in someone else's store for my whole life.

And I want to be able to read the original Sanskrit.  And translate.  And actually know what I'm talking about.

I want to be at the top, not at the bottom.

And you know what else...  I'm going to drink a beer. 

Lalita Trishati #2...

My favorite name from the Lalitā Triśati -

Name 193. lāṃgalāyudhā

"Who has an unconquerable plow." 

(translation from Swami Satyananda's  Lalitā Triśati in Shree Maa: The Guru and the Goddess)

Note to Self: Even if you're really tired...

One thing I've learned is that its best to keep your word to do something you said you would do, even if you are already super exhausted and your heart sinks as you watch the sleep time meter in your head diminish.

The strength and Shakti that comes from persevering and keep your word, even if its something you told yourself in passing that you accomplish, is GREATER than the creature comfort of sleep.

Note to Self:  Remember this when its late and you have unfinished business and all you want to do is crawl into bed.  Dive deep into your gut and pull up some will power.

"Tanme manaḥ śivasaṃkalpamastu" (May my mind be filled with that firm determination of Śiva, the Consciousness of Infinite Goodness) - Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram, Śiva Pūjā and Advanced Yagña by Swami Satyananda Saraswati

Late Night Hours: On Sleep Deprivation and the Temple at Night in all it's Glory.

Get up, no matter what.  That's how it should be.  That's how it needs to be to become the sadhu you want to be.

Sleep deprivation seems a common theme for anyone seriously involved in the Devi Mandir, and getting up in the morning is probably the single most challenging aspect of yoga practice for me.

It's also a common source of humor in the Mandir kitchen.  Many of us have fallen asleep and trailed of in our chanting while sitting...then the head drops and you wake back up.  There's also the chanting while half-asleep so you don't know what verses you've done and you end up repeating a verse, or a whole page, several times. 

The worst are the mornings doing sadhana in the temple when it's before sunrise and there's all this beautiful yogic energy around you, but you're so tired you can hardly keep your back straight, and all you want to do is lie down and curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on your asana blanket.  But you force yourself to stay up, even if it means going to the kitchen and making a strong cup of coffee.  And it helps when Maa and/or Swami come into the temple  When they are chanting, it carries you.  (Although, honestly, sometimes nothing helps and it's just plain hard.)

Then after sadhana you want to nap sooo bad, and you finally decide you're going to do it (it feels like sneaking chocolate or something), but on the way to your room you see a disciple on their way to work who is even more sleep deprived that you are, and you can't in good conscience take a nap.  Or you think of Swami and another disciple's words of "How must it feel if you are working so hard and all of your disciples are sleeping?") and that's inspiration enough to forego a nap and keep on trucking.

Then, late at night, at 1 in the morning, when you're back in the temple after working almost all day, you're so tired that you fall momentarily asleep while chanting.  And sometimes you even blurt random English words in the middle of my Sanskrit chanting from the sudden dream you would have (you  probably so exhausted that you drop right into deep REM or something), and then you snap awake and think oh my god I can't believe that just happened and keep chanting.

Then, when you're finished with your sadhana and you bow and put your head to the ground you want so badly just to stay there and go to sleep.  But you force yourself to stand up.  And see that the floor is very dirty, and Maa and Swami will walk on the floor and get rice stuck to their feet.  So you sweep.  And while you sweep, you realize that there is some incense ash that fell around Swami's incense holder and the incense holder should be clean and fresh for Him in the morning, so you put your broom down and you take the incense holder to the temple kitchen where you can fix it up.  Then you resume sweeping.  And you realize that the flower water in the vases my Maa's altar is very dirty.  So you pour them out and put in fresh water.  And it can go on like that until finally you gulp with a thought of "oh my god it's so late" when you finally leave the temple.

You actually love this.  You love being in the Temple alone, late at night.  You love being the last one to leave....turning off the lights,, locking the front door, and saying goodnight to that glorious Temple and its Divine residents - all the Gods and Goddess

Then you walk outside and the wildlife is awake and the crickets are churping and everything feels so alive.  And you are alone, outside of this beautiful Temple, under the stars, soaking in the sweet cooling rays of the moonlight.  And you dance under the stars....even if just a few twirls...and rejoice in the freshness of the night air and the palpable feeling of Shakti permeating the atmosphere.  It feels like a magical wonderland.  You pranam to the world around you with thoughts of "Jai Maa" and then finally go into the dharamshala to go to sleep, contemplating whether or not you have it in you to brush your teeth.

My first 6 months with Maa and Swami were the hardest in terms of coping with sleep deprivation.  I wasn't used to it and I felt like I was constantly exhausted and was always on the verge of getting sick.  My nature is to stay up late, late into the night and sleep late into the day.  Not a good schedule for a wannabe a sadhu.  I have to learn to still stay up late and get up early.  Swami said, "Get up no matter how you feel."  I probably nodded and said "Yes, Swami", but I haven't really followed through on it.  Not outside of the mandir.

Around Fall Navaratri of 2011 it really kicked up a notch and for 9 nights in a row I got about 3 hours of sleep each night.  It was exhausting and totally exhilerating.  It felt like it was my tapasya, my spiritual austerity, and it also felt like Maa and Swami's grace enabing me to do that...and some strong coffee (probably not the healthiest way to go).  That experience taught me about pushing the limits of what we think we're capable of doing.

Sleep has never been the same for me since then, but I'm not stabilized in being able to consistently get very little and be okay.  I need to start waking up early every single morning, no matter what.  I need to.  And it's going to be a huge hurtle to overcome in my practice.  Wish me luck, I need it!

Today's Sadhana

Before work: 

1. chanted the Sādhana Pañcakam (5 Verses in Praise of Spiritual Discipline written by Śaṅkarācārya in 700 AD) from the beginning of Swami Satyananda Saraswati's Advanced Śiva Pūjā book and read it in English.
2. chanted opening mantras to the Chaṇḍī Pāṭhaḥ, the 13 chapters of the Chaṇḍī, and the Siddha Kuñjikā Stotram......really freaked out while chanting the Chaṇḍī this morning.  It was a hard one.

After work:

1.  chanted intro mantras from Advanced Śiva Pūjā book
2.  chanted Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram and read it in English, and meditated a bit.  that was really nice. Thank you, Shiva!
3.  chanted 10 malas of "Oṃ Namaḥ Śivāya"  (that's the saṅkalpa Maa gave for the month of sravan)
4.  chanted Gaṇeśa pūjā mantras and Gaṇeśytharvaśirṣam from Advanced Śiva Pūjā Book
5.  Chanted Śrī Guru Gītā
        ----broke my asana but kept sitting----
6. Chanted Durgā Pūjā mantras from Cosmic Pūjā book and the worship of the 9 Durga stotram that I have memorized from the Beginner Durgā Pūjā book (prathaman śailaputrī ca dvitīyam brahmacāriṇī.....First is the Goddess of the Inspiration....second the Goddess of Sacred Study....)
7.  Chanted mini Śiva pūjā (gāyatrī mantra, nyāsa, dhyānam, and a few mental offerings)
      -----broke my asana------
8.  Memorized Sarasvatī's dhyanam from Chapter 5 of the Chaṇḍī Pāṭhaḥ (something Maa told me to do months ago...ill probably have to re-freshen tomorrow too)

Not bad for a working girl, eh?  This morning I felt like i was in mental agony, but it turned out to be a good day!  Yay!  Let's see if I can keep it up.  If you see this, say a prayer for me!

It's now  1:30 am and I'm going to try to wake up at 5:00 am.  Wish me luck.

Jai Maa!!!