There's a reason Krishna told Arjuna to stand up and fight.
There's a reason why the story of the Chandi Path is a bloody battle.
There's a reason why the Gurus are both gentle and fierce.
There's a reason why we struggle.
And, one day, we will succeed.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
A Poem to Divine Mother Chandi
Oh Goddess,
Won't you teach me to be free?
When will I get tired of swimming is this sea of misery?
My mind is addicted to all the thoughts going by,
while my soul is married to She Who is Beyond Time.
Oh Goddess,
Won't you teach me to dance on your tides?
Like my Gurus, who with Divine Detachment, keep only you in mind.
Oh Goddess,
Teach me to come closer, Teach me to Surrender to Pure Love,
So that I may live with you in your Holy Yantra Abode.
Your eternal rhythm is the Ultimate Goal.
Purify me of all insincerity.
Won't you teach me to be free?
When will I get tired of swimming is this sea of misery?
My mind is addicted to all the thoughts going by,
while my soul is married to She Who is Beyond Time.
Oh Goddess,
Won't you teach me to dance on your tides?
Like my Gurus, who with Divine Detachment, keep only you in mind.
Oh Goddess,
Teach me to come closer, Teach me to Surrender to Pure Love,
So that I may live with you in your Holy Yantra Abode.
Your eternal rhythm is the Ultimate Goal.
Purify me of all insincerity.
Hi, my name is Shivani and I'm addicted to attachment.
Authentic Yoga is the Cosmic 8-Step Program.
Points covered in the program:1. Everything that happens is karmically perfect. All suffering is the result of our own attachment.
2. Events cause activity in the unenlightened mind. This produces more karma unless the seeker uses these mental ripples as inspiration to go deeper, to find Shankara (a name for Shiva meaning "The Cause of Peace").
3. The mind and the emotions are addicted to attachment, while the inner soul is the abode of Chandi (Chandi= the Goddess, "She Who Tears Apart Thought"). Spiritual life is about learning to make the right choice, Chandi, to produce to result you truly want, peace and happiness. This is a monumental shift. The Guru teaches how to make the shift.
4. Gurus can not make the choice for you, but they can inspire you and give you the tools to make the right choice. They have a lot of patience.
5. Chandi and the Guru are the only salvation, because they are beyond attachment.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Back at the Mandir
Wow. So much has been changing. Life with a Guru is amazingly full and rich...it might not be easy but it's definitely NOT boring.
I am back at the Mandir now. My time away was hugely transformative and a great blessing. Maa knew it would be good for me. I felt like I began to find my soul again. I learned a lot about myself...my real self, apart from the conceptions of what I thought it meant to be spiritual. Apart from who I thought I should be for Maa and Swami.
When I was fighting for acceptance, I felt a barrier between us - now I know it was a barrier of my own making. Now that I feel more of the desire to just find myself, I feel their support and feel them pulling me in. They are Spiritual Geniuses. Masters.
I have more and more respect for them as time goes on. Because they prove to me their selflessness and their love again and again.And I forget and lose faith again and again. But they don't abandon me. I am ungrateful and stubborn, and I find baby steps challenging. They are infinitely patient and forgiving. (Not too long ago I heard a devotee say something to which Swamiji's response was, "I'm in no rush" and looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. The initial comment was not about the spiritual journey, but I think the implications of the response were very deep.)
And they do not try and shape me into anything other than the pure of my soul, of my own authenticity.
For my first year here I was on the side of one wall, and something that I really wanted was on the other side. But I couldn't get there. I just kept walking into the wall. Now I feel like I am finding the doorway. Maybe not yet going through, but finding it.
I think Truth is the doorway. Something about being yourself, being totally honest about who you are and where you're at. I'm pretty sure that that's the space where real surrender can happen, because you are not trying to hide anymore.
Maa wants truth. She wants purity. She wants pure love. She wants all your attachments. She wants it all. She told me so : "I want it all." And Swami told me so too. "She wants it all."
If you really want to be a disciple, if you want to become her reflection, you have to throw it all into the fire. And then watch it burn.
I think the person who can do that right away is extremely rare. As rare as Shree Maa and Swamiji. But I do believe that if there is any tiny little part of you that even aspires to that, that the Guru will work for as long as it takes to expand that particle of renunciation until total surrender becomes your reality.
The process definitely can feel harsh on the outside, but I am convinced its for our own good. (Easier to say when you're out of the fire, yes). And I think they only do it if they get the go ahead from you. It's like a pact that you're in it together. You give them permission to operate and try your best to go along for the ride as they do what they do. And you may not be graceful, but at least you're trying.
And then the process moves forward. And every so often Maa makes a comment, and you remember that she already knows your heart, knows your thoughts, knows your soul, knows what you really want, and is acted accordingly. That this is all for a purpose.
And you remember your pact.
There is so much to say and so much to explore. For anyone who reads this, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm getting deeper into my seva...seva that I think will be lifelong- working on the temple website and doing some writing projects. That's where a lot of my computer time has been going to.
I don't know what it's like reading this blog. Perhaps the writing is totally self indulgent.
But I can not write about what it's like to live with God or the bliss of the universe. I can only write about my journey. About the process of becoming a disciple. Of what it's like to learn from a Guru.
I hope one day I can write it in a way that is without any flavor of "Look at me, look at me."
Jai Maa!
I am back at the Mandir now. My time away was hugely transformative and a great blessing. Maa knew it would be good for me. I felt like I began to find my soul again. I learned a lot about myself...my real self, apart from the conceptions of what I thought it meant to be spiritual. Apart from who I thought I should be for Maa and Swami.
When I was fighting for acceptance, I felt a barrier between us - now I know it was a barrier of my own making. Now that I feel more of the desire to just find myself, I feel their support and feel them pulling me in. They are Spiritual Geniuses. Masters.
I have more and more respect for them as time goes on. Because they prove to me their selflessness and their love again and again.And I forget and lose faith again and again. But they don't abandon me. I am ungrateful and stubborn, and I find baby steps challenging. They are infinitely patient and forgiving. (Not too long ago I heard a devotee say something to which Swamiji's response was, "I'm in no rush" and looked at me with a sparkle in his eye. The initial comment was not about the spiritual journey, but I think the implications of the response were very deep.)
And they do not try and shape me into anything other than the pure of my soul, of my own authenticity.
For my first year here I was on the side of one wall, and something that I really wanted was on the other side. But I couldn't get there. I just kept walking into the wall. Now I feel like I am finding the doorway. Maybe not yet going through, but finding it.
I think Truth is the doorway. Something about being yourself, being totally honest about who you are and where you're at. I'm pretty sure that that's the space where real surrender can happen, because you are not trying to hide anymore.
Maa wants truth. She wants purity. She wants pure love. She wants all your attachments. She wants it all. She told me so : "I want it all." And Swami told me so too. "She wants it all."
If you really want to be a disciple, if you want to become her reflection, you have to throw it all into the fire. And then watch it burn.
I think the person who can do that right away is extremely rare. As rare as Shree Maa and Swamiji. But I do believe that if there is any tiny little part of you that even aspires to that, that the Guru will work for as long as it takes to expand that particle of renunciation until total surrender becomes your reality.
The process definitely can feel harsh on the outside, but I am convinced its for our own good. (Easier to say when you're out of the fire, yes). And I think they only do it if they get the go ahead from you. It's like a pact that you're in it together. You give them permission to operate and try your best to go along for the ride as they do what they do. And you may not be graceful, but at least you're trying.
And then the process moves forward. And every so often Maa makes a comment, and you remember that she already knows your heart, knows your thoughts, knows your soul, knows what you really want, and is acted accordingly. That this is all for a purpose.
And you remember your pact.
There is so much to say and so much to explore. For anyone who reads this, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm getting deeper into my seva...seva that I think will be lifelong- working on the temple website and doing some writing projects. That's where a lot of my computer time has been going to.
I don't know what it's like reading this blog. Perhaps the writing is totally self indulgent.
But I can not write about what it's like to live with God or the bliss of the universe. I can only write about my journey. About the process of becoming a disciple. Of what it's like to learn from a Guru.
I hope one day I can write it in a way that is without any flavor of "Look at me, look at me."
Jai Maa!
Friday, August 24, 2012
Just Be Yourself
Swamiji says no two sadhus will have exactly the same repertoire. I don't even feel like a proper sadhu to begin with. Might as well just roll with it...
Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be like some of the other disciples, so pure and sattvic and rhythmic. Although I hope I do head in that direction...
I come from the soil of dead heads and hippie freaks. Of LSD and dancing into the wee hours of the morning. Of Neem Karoli Baba (I still think he had something to do with the Grateful Dead...Maa too, for that matter).
I come from the crazy free style chanting of the sweat lodge, from dancing naked in the forest soaked with moonlight. I worship Shiva and Shakti...I worship how I've learned from my teachers and my Gurus. But I also worship in my own way. The Goddess is mine to know. Shiva is mine to know. I want to know them. I want to be in communion with my own soul. That is my journey alone -- no one else's.
I had an astrology reading done long distance by one of Shiva Bala Yogi's American disciples. At one point in the reading she told me that spiritually doesn't look like anything. It's just you being in harmony with your own Self. I didn't understand what she was telling me at the time.
I used to dream of being able to walk around in all orange. Now I know that I wanted that for my own ego - as a prop to hold yourself up as a yogi or yogini in your mind-build identity instead of actually going through the process to really become one.
Now, I would rather know my own soul and walk around in jeans and a tee than wear orange and have a big ego about my "renunciation."
I would rather know no Sanskrit and know my own soul than know Sanskrit grammar and yet not know anything about the Divine Mother. Although, I really want to know both.
My first spiritual teacher told me spirituality was about blindly bumbling backwards. Swamiji says you need a goal and you need a plan. My spiritual life involves both.
Perspectives change
You know what...
I thought I would live sooo far away from the world. Just have nothing to do with it. I thought that somehow I would live in a little hut in the woods of Vermont and no one would know I was there. And I would probably be totally impoverished, and just live on dahl and rice. And of course, in my mind, this was all a very romantic thing.
Now I am thinking....screw it. That idea of that life clearly has not worked out for me, considering I I am being pushed deeper and deeper into the world. So the perspectives are changing to a more pro-active than "tune in, drop out" attitude. I want to refine and develop a skill set with which I can support myself financially in the world, and with which I can use to serve Maa.
I want to write, I want to edit, to work on the web, to learn graphic design and learn photoshop. I want to have creative freedom. I want to have plenty of money so that I'm not working as a retail clerk in someone else's store for my whole life.
And I want to be able to read the original Sanskrit. And translate. And actually know what I'm talking about.
I want to be at the top, not at the bottom.
And you know what else... I'm going to drink a beer.
I thought I would live sooo far away from the world. Just have nothing to do with it. I thought that somehow I would live in a little hut in the woods of Vermont and no one would know I was there. And I would probably be totally impoverished, and just live on dahl and rice. And of course, in my mind, this was all a very romantic thing.
Now I am thinking....screw it. That idea of that life clearly has not worked out for me, considering I I am being pushed deeper and deeper into the world. So the perspectives are changing to a more pro-active than "tune in, drop out" attitude. I want to refine and develop a skill set with which I can support myself financially in the world, and with which I can use to serve Maa.
I want to write, I want to edit, to work on the web, to learn graphic design and learn photoshop. I want to have creative freedom. I want to have plenty of money so that I'm not working as a retail clerk in someone else's store for my whole life.
And I want to be able to read the original Sanskrit. And translate. And actually know what I'm talking about.
I want to be at the top, not at the bottom.
And you know what else... I'm going to drink a beer.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Lalita Trishati #2...
My favorite name from the Lalitā Triśati -
Name 193. lāṃgalāyudhā
"Who has an unconquerable plow."
(translation from Swami Satyananda's Lalitā Triśati in Shree Maa: The Guru and the Goddess)
Name 193. lāṃgalāyudhā
"Who has an unconquerable plow."
(translation from Swami Satyananda's Lalitā Triśati in Shree Maa: The Guru and the Goddess)
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Note to Self: Even if you're really tired...
One thing I've learned is that its best to keep your word to do something you said you would do, even if you are already super exhausted and your heart sinks as you watch the sleep time meter in your head diminish.
The strength and Shakti that comes from persevering and keep your word, even if its something you told yourself in passing that you accomplish, is GREATER than the creature comfort of sleep.
Note to Self: Remember this when its late and you have unfinished business and all you want to do is crawl into bed. Dive deep into your gut and pull up some will power.
"Tanme manaḥ śivasaṃkalpamastu" (May my mind be filled with that firm determination of Śiva, the Consciousness of Infinite Goodness) - Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram, Śiva Pūjā and Advanced Yagña by Swami Satyananda Saraswati
The strength and Shakti that comes from persevering and keep your word, even if its something you told yourself in passing that you accomplish, is GREATER than the creature comfort of sleep.
Note to Self: Remember this when its late and you have unfinished business and all you want to do is crawl into bed. Dive deep into your gut and pull up some will power.
"Tanme manaḥ śivasaṃkalpamastu" (May my mind be filled with that firm determination of Śiva, the Consciousness of Infinite Goodness) - Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram, Śiva Pūjā and Advanced Yagña by Swami Satyananda Saraswati
Late Night Hours: On Sleep Deprivation and the Temple at Night in all it's Glory.
Get up, no matter what. That's how it should be. That's how it needs to be to become the sadhu you want to be.
Sleep deprivation seems a common theme for anyone seriously involved in the Devi Mandir, and getting up in the morning is probably the single most challenging aspect of yoga practice for me.
It's also a common source of humor in the Mandir kitchen. Many of us have fallen asleep and trailed of in our chanting while sitting...then the head drops and you wake back up. There's also the chanting while half-asleep so you don't know what verses you've done and you end up repeating a verse, or a whole page, several times.
The worst are the mornings doing sadhana in the temple when it's before sunrise and there's all this beautiful yogic energy around you, but you're so tired you can hardly keep your back straight, and all you want to do is lie down and curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on your asana blanket. But you force yourself to stay up, even if it means going to the kitchen and making a strong cup of coffee. And it helps when Maa and/or Swami come into the temple When they are chanting, it carries you. (Although, honestly, sometimes nothing helps and it's just plain hard.)
Then after sadhana you want to nap sooo bad, and you finally decide you're going to do it (it feels like sneaking chocolate or something), but on the way to your room you see a disciple on their way to work who is even more sleep deprived that you are, and you can't in good conscience take a nap. Or you think of Swami and another disciple's words of "How must it feel if you are working so hard and all of your disciples are sleeping?") and that's inspiration enough to forego a nap and keep on trucking.
Then, late at night, at 1 in the morning, when you're back in the temple after working almost all day, you're so tired that you fall momentarily asleep while chanting. And sometimes you even blurt random English words in the middle of my Sanskrit chanting from the sudden dream you would have (you probably so exhausted that you drop right into deep REM or something), and then you snap awake and think oh my god I can't believe that just happened and keep chanting.
Then, when you're finished with your sadhana and you bow and put your head to the ground you want so badly just to stay there and go to sleep. But you force yourself to stand up. And see that the floor is very dirty, and Maa and Swami will walk on the floor and get rice stuck to their feet. So you sweep. And while you sweep, you realize that there is some incense ash that fell around Swami's incense holder and the incense holder should be clean and fresh for Him in the morning, so you put your broom down and you take the incense holder to the temple kitchen where you can fix it up. Then you resume sweeping. And you realize that the flower water in the vases my Maa's altar is very dirty. So you pour them out and put in fresh water. And it can go on like that until finally you gulp with a thought of "oh my god it's so late" when you finally leave the temple.
You actually love this. You love being in the Temple alone, late at night. You love being the last one to leave....turning off the lights,, locking the front door, and saying goodnight to that glorious Temple and its Divine residents - all the Gods and Goddess
Then you walk outside and the wildlife is awake and the crickets are churping and everything feels so alive. And you are alone, outside of this beautiful Temple, under the stars, soaking in the sweet cooling rays of the moonlight. And you dance under the stars....even if just a few twirls...and rejoice in the freshness of the night air and the palpable feeling of Shakti permeating the atmosphere. It feels like a magical wonderland. You pranam to the world around you with thoughts of "Jai Maa" and then finally go into the dharamshala to go to sleep, contemplating whether or not you have it in you to brush your teeth.
My first 6 months with Maa and Swami were the hardest in terms of coping with sleep deprivation. I wasn't used to it and I felt like I was constantly exhausted and was always on the verge of getting sick. My nature is to stay up late, late into the night and sleep late into the day. Not a good schedule for a wannabe a sadhu. I have to learn to still stay up late and get up early. Swami said, "Get up no matter how you feel." I probably nodded and said "Yes, Swami", but I haven't really followed through on it. Not outside of the mandir.
Around Fall Navaratri of 2011 it really kicked up a notch and for 9 nights in a row I got about 3 hours of sleep each night. It was exhausting and totally exhilerating. It felt like it was my tapasya, my spiritual austerity, and it also felt like Maa and Swami's grace enabing me to do that...and some strong coffee (probably not the healthiest way to go). That experience taught me about pushing the limits of what we think we're capable of doing.
Sleep has never been the same for me since then, but I'm not stabilized in being able to consistently get very little and be okay. I need to start waking up early every single morning, no matter what. I need to. And it's going to be a huge hurtle to overcome in my practice. Wish me luck, I need it!
Sleep deprivation seems a common theme for anyone seriously involved in the Devi Mandir, and getting up in the morning is probably the single most challenging aspect of yoga practice for me.
It's also a common source of humor in the Mandir kitchen. Many of us have fallen asleep and trailed of in our chanting while sitting...then the head drops and you wake back up. There's also the chanting while half-asleep so you don't know what verses you've done and you end up repeating a verse, or a whole page, several times.
The worst are the mornings doing sadhana in the temple when it's before sunrise and there's all this beautiful yogic energy around you, but you're so tired you can hardly keep your back straight, and all you want to do is lie down and curl up in a ball and go to sleep right there on your asana blanket. But you force yourself to stay up, even if it means going to the kitchen and making a strong cup of coffee. And it helps when Maa and/or Swami come into the temple When they are chanting, it carries you. (Although, honestly, sometimes nothing helps and it's just plain hard.)
Then after sadhana you want to nap sooo bad, and you finally decide you're going to do it (it feels like sneaking chocolate or something), but on the way to your room you see a disciple on their way to work who is even more sleep deprived that you are, and you can't in good conscience take a nap. Or you think of Swami and another disciple's words of "How must it feel if you are working so hard and all of your disciples are sleeping?") and that's inspiration enough to forego a nap and keep on trucking.
Then, late at night, at 1 in the morning, when you're back in the temple after working almost all day, you're so tired that you fall momentarily asleep while chanting. And sometimes you even blurt random English words in the middle of my Sanskrit chanting from the sudden dream you would have (you probably so exhausted that you drop right into deep REM or something), and then you snap awake and think oh my god I can't believe that just happened and keep chanting.
Then, when you're finished with your sadhana and you bow and put your head to the ground you want so badly just to stay there and go to sleep. But you force yourself to stand up. And see that the floor is very dirty, and Maa and Swami will walk on the floor and get rice stuck to their feet. So you sweep. And while you sweep, you realize that there is some incense ash that fell around Swami's incense holder and the incense holder should be clean and fresh for Him in the morning, so you put your broom down and you take the incense holder to the temple kitchen where you can fix it up. Then you resume sweeping. And you realize that the flower water in the vases my Maa's altar is very dirty. So you pour them out and put in fresh water. And it can go on like that until finally you gulp with a thought of "oh my god it's so late" when you finally leave the temple.
You actually love this. You love being in the Temple alone, late at night. You love being the last one to leave....turning off the lights,, locking the front door, and saying goodnight to that glorious Temple and its Divine residents - all the Gods and Goddess
Then you walk outside and the wildlife is awake and the crickets are churping and everything feels so alive. And you are alone, outside of this beautiful Temple, under the stars, soaking in the sweet cooling rays of the moonlight. And you dance under the stars....even if just a few twirls...and rejoice in the freshness of the night air and the palpable feeling of Shakti permeating the atmosphere. It feels like a magical wonderland. You pranam to the world around you with thoughts of "Jai Maa" and then finally go into the dharamshala to go to sleep, contemplating whether or not you have it in you to brush your teeth.
My first 6 months with Maa and Swami were the hardest in terms of coping with sleep deprivation. I wasn't used to it and I felt like I was constantly exhausted and was always on the verge of getting sick. My nature is to stay up late, late into the night and sleep late into the day. Not a good schedule for a wannabe a sadhu. I have to learn to still stay up late and get up early. Swami said, "Get up no matter how you feel." I probably nodded and said "Yes, Swami", but I haven't really followed through on it. Not outside of the mandir.
Around Fall Navaratri of 2011 it really kicked up a notch and for 9 nights in a row I got about 3 hours of sleep each night. It was exhausting and totally exhilerating. It felt like it was my tapasya, my spiritual austerity, and it also felt like Maa and Swami's grace enabing me to do that...and some strong coffee (probably not the healthiest way to go). That experience taught me about pushing the limits of what we think we're capable of doing.
Sleep has never been the same for me since then, but I'm not stabilized in being able to consistently get very little and be okay. I need to start waking up early every single morning, no matter what. I need to. And it's going to be a huge hurtle to overcome in my practice. Wish me luck, I need it!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Today's Sadhana
Before work:
1. chanted the Sādhana Pañcakam (5 Verses in Praise of Spiritual Discipline written by Śaṅkarācārya in 700 AD) from the beginning of Swami Satyananda Saraswati's Advanced Śiva Pūjā book and read it in English.
2. chanted opening mantras to the Chaṇḍī Pāṭhaḥ, the 13 chapters of the Chaṇḍī, and the Siddha Kuñjikā Stotram......really freaked out while chanting the Chaṇḍī this morning. It was a hard one.
After work:
1. chanted intro mantras from Advanced Śiva Pūjā book
2. chanted Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram and read it in English, and meditated a bit. that was really nice. Thank you, Shiva!
3. chanted 10 malas of "Oṃ Namaḥ Śivāya" (that's the saṅkalpa Maa gave for the month of sravan)
4. chanted Gaṇeśa pūjā mantras and Gaṇeśytharvaśirṣam from Advanced Śiva Pūjā Book
5. Chanted Śrī Guru Gītā
----broke my asana but kept sitting----
6. Chanted Durgā Pūjā mantras from Cosmic Pūjā book and the worship of the 9 Durga stotram that I have memorized from the Beginner Durgā Pūjā book (prathaman śailaputrī ca dvitīyam brahmacāriṇī.....First is the Goddess of the Inspiration....second the Goddess of Sacred Study....)
7. Chanted mini Śiva pūjā (gāyatrī mantra, nyāsa, dhyānam, and a few mental offerings)
-----broke my asana------
8. Memorized Sarasvatī's dhyanam from Chapter 5 of the Chaṇḍī Pāṭhaḥ (something Maa told me to do months ago...ill probably have to re-freshen tomorrow too)
Not bad for a working girl, eh? This morning I felt like i was in mental agony, but it turned out to be a good day! Yay! Let's see if I can keep it up. If you see this, say a prayer for me!
It's now 1:30 am and I'm going to try to wake up at 5:00 am. Wish me luck.
Jai Maa!!!
1. chanted the Sādhana Pañcakam (5 Verses in Praise of Spiritual Discipline written by Śaṅkarācārya in 700 AD) from the beginning of Swami Satyananda Saraswati's Advanced Śiva Pūjā book and read it in English.
2. chanted opening mantras to the Chaṇḍī Pāṭhaḥ, the 13 chapters of the Chaṇḍī, and the Siddha Kuñjikā Stotram......really freaked out while chanting the Chaṇḍī this morning. It was a hard one.
After work:
1. chanted intro mantras from Advanced Śiva Pūjā book
2. chanted Śiva Saṅkalpa Stotram and read it in English, and meditated a bit. that was really nice. Thank you, Shiva!
3. chanted 10 malas of "Oṃ Namaḥ Śivāya" (that's the saṅkalpa Maa gave for the month of sravan)
4. chanted Gaṇeśa pūjā mantras and Gaṇeśytharvaśirṣam from Advanced Śiva Pūjā Book
5. Chanted Śrī Guru Gītā
----broke my asana but kept sitting----
6. Chanted Durgā Pūjā mantras from Cosmic Pūjā book and the worship of the 9 Durga stotram that I have memorized from the Beginner Durgā Pūjā book (prathaman śailaputrī ca dvitīyam brahmacāriṇī.....First is the Goddess of the Inspiration....second the Goddess of Sacred Study....)
7. Chanted mini Śiva pūjā (gāyatrī mantra, nyāsa, dhyānam, and a few mental offerings)
-----broke my asana------
8. Memorized Sarasvatī's dhyanam from Chapter 5 of the Chaṇḍī Pāṭhaḥ (something Maa told me to do months ago...ill probably have to re-freshen tomorrow too)
Not bad for a working girl, eh? This morning I felt like i was in mental agony, but it turned out to be a good day! Yay! Let's see if I can keep it up. If you see this, say a prayer for me!
It's now 1:30 am and I'm going to try to wake up at 5:00 am. Wish me luck.
Jai Maa!!!
Monday, August 6, 2012
My Compassionate Lord
Oh, my compassionate Lord Shiva! What would I do without you?
Even the sight of this picture
makes everything better.
You are so beautiful. A wonder to behold.
Jai Shiva Shankara.
Lalita Trishati
Yesterday I read and chanted the Lalitā Triśatī Stotram, the Song of 300 Names of the Playful Mother Goddess. I use Swamiji's transliteration and translation in the book Shree Maa: The Guru and the Goddess.
I really like the Lalitā Triśatī. The first time I ever chanted it was with Swamiji, around the fire at the Devi Mandir during the first Navaratri that I attended.
Chanting anything with Swamiji is an experience of a lifetime, especially when your heart is open, but there have been certain scriptures that we have chanted together that I feel especially drawn to. Lalita Trishati is one of them, in large part because of the 16 letter Șoraṣī mantra that you chant before and after the stotram. The first time I chanted that mantra with Swamiji it blew my mind. It was unlike any other mantra I had ever heard or chanted.
Not only is its sound and structure super cool, but it has a meaning to match. In the introduction to the stotram, Swamiji explains that Șoraṣī is Śiva and Śakti together in "undifferentiated communion."
So I chanted the Lalitā Triśatī right after I chanted the Śrī Guru Gīta (they are next to eachother in Swami's book so its pretty fun to do them together). Towards the end of my chanting, in the epilogue of the stotram that comes after the 300 names, I happened to eye the translation of a verse that was about worship without knowledge. That inspired me to read the whole translation, which Swamiji encourages us to do. I figured I might as well know what I'm chanting.
The reading was awesome. It was really helpful and insightful. The three hundred names come as part of a story in which the Ŗṣi Hayagrīva is given the the 300 names by the Divine Mother Herself so that he can teach them to his disciple, Agastya (He Who is Born from a Jar), and Agastya's wife, Lopāmudrā.
The three hundred names could have been written for Shree Maa. I guess they were, seeing as Shree Maa is the Divine Mother....but its just amazing. The names describe Her so perfectly.
Here are a few of the names that really grabbed me:
205. hrīṃkārakuṇḍāgni-śikhā - Who is the ultimate of the sacrificial fire burning on the altar of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
208. hrīṃkārāmbhodacancalā - Who is the inconsistent nature of the heavenly waters of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
214. hrīṃkārāvālavallarī - Who is the fibers in the creepers of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
217. hrīṃkārakandarāsiṃhī - Who is the lioness in the cave of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
233. satyarūpā - Who is the form of truth
.....and one more....
297. hrīṃkārahimavadgaṅgā - Who is the Ganges that flows from the Himalayas of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
Jai Maa!
I really like the Lalitā Triśatī. The first time I ever chanted it was with Swamiji, around the fire at the Devi Mandir during the first Navaratri that I attended.
Chanting anything with Swamiji is an experience of a lifetime, especially when your heart is open, but there have been certain scriptures that we have chanted together that I feel especially drawn to. Lalita Trishati is one of them, in large part because of the 16 letter Șoraṣī mantra that you chant before and after the stotram. The first time I chanted that mantra with Swamiji it blew my mind. It was unlike any other mantra I had ever heard or chanted.
Not only is its sound and structure super cool, but it has a meaning to match. In the introduction to the stotram, Swamiji explains that Șoraṣī is Śiva and Śakti together in "undifferentiated communion."
So I chanted the Lalitā Triśatī right after I chanted the Śrī Guru Gīta (they are next to eachother in Swami's book so its pretty fun to do them together). Towards the end of my chanting, in the epilogue of the stotram that comes after the 300 names, I happened to eye the translation of a verse that was about worship without knowledge. That inspired me to read the whole translation, which Swamiji encourages us to do. I figured I might as well know what I'm chanting.
The reading was awesome. It was really helpful and insightful. The three hundred names come as part of a story in which the Ŗṣi Hayagrīva is given the the 300 names by the Divine Mother Herself so that he can teach them to his disciple, Agastya (He Who is Born from a Jar), and Agastya's wife, Lopāmudrā.
The three hundred names could have been written for Shree Maa. I guess they were, seeing as Shree Maa is the Divine Mother....but its just amazing. The names describe Her so perfectly.
Here are a few of the names that really grabbed me:
205. hrīṃkārakuṇḍāgni-śikhā - Who is the ultimate of the sacrificial fire burning on the altar of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
208. hrīṃkārāmbhodacancalā - Who is the inconsistent nature of the heavenly waters of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
214. hrīṃkārāvālavallarī - Who is the fibers in the creepers of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
217. hrīṃkārakandarāsiṃhī - Who is the lioness in the cave of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
233. satyarūpā - Who is the form of truth
.....and one more....
297. hrīṃkārahimavadgaṅgā - Who is the Ganges that flows from the Himalayas of Hrīṃ (Māyā)
Jai Maa!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Missing Maa
Today is the first day since the start of my three month hiatus that I really missed the Mandir. More than anything, I miss Maa. I miss her Pure Love. Even if She ignores you, or She scolds you, still there is Her Pure Love that you feel deep down, that you keep coming back for.
And I miss Her cooking. She is known for Her cooking. It's not just that it tastes good, it is so Divine. It is so nourishing. It warms your soul and comforts your entire being.
I don't really miss the work from the Mandir. All the cleaning and such. But I miss the inspiration, dedication, energy, efficiency that I feel within myself when I'm there. The Gurus, and the Gurus ashram, it inspires you to work hard to really try your best, to be the best you can be.
I hoped that in my time away I would learn to do that outside of the ashram as well. On some level, I know it's up to me. You just make the decision to leave laziness and all that holds you back behind.
I could say "But I feel inertia," and I want to, but the second I hear "But," I know its another excuse.
How long will I listen to the excuses? The saints and sages say that human life is precious. Already I feel that I've wasted so much time.
And I miss Her cooking. She is known for Her cooking. It's not just that it tastes good, it is so Divine. It is so nourishing. It warms your soul and comforts your entire being.
I don't really miss the work from the Mandir. All the cleaning and such. But I miss the inspiration, dedication, energy, efficiency that I feel within myself when I'm there. The Gurus, and the Gurus ashram, it inspires you to work hard to really try your best, to be the best you can be.
I hoped that in my time away I would learn to do that outside of the ashram as well. On some level, I know it's up to me. You just make the decision to leave laziness and all that holds you back behind.
I could say "But I feel inertia," and I want to, but the second I hear "But," I know its another excuse.
How long will I listen to the excuses? The saints and sages say that human life is precious. Already I feel that I've wasted so much time.
Reflections on this Blog
When Swamiji first told me to write this blog, I had really mixed feelings about it. Or rather, I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about it. Sorry to say, but it's true.
If you are totally self centered and fascinated with your own "story" and you go to someone to try and become un-self centered, probably one of the last things you want to hear them tell you is to write about yourself, publicly. I still feel like maybe Swamiji was playing with my desire for people to know about me, to know my story. Playing with my tendency to think MY story is more interesting, or less interesting for that matter, than anybody else's. (Maa said on the night of Holi in the kitchen, "Everyone has a story.")
As with everything that my Gurus suggest, in actually I enjoy working with this blog. It's a great way to reflect and to deepen understanding, and its also a nice release when you don't have anyone to talk to and you're not spiritually advanced enough to through all of your thoughts in the Divine Fire with a declaration of "svaha," "I am One with God!")
When I am writing on my screen, there is no one directly on the other side hearing the words. And part of me thinks not many people will read this at all, so I feel free just to write.
I pray to the Mother Saraswatī that the experience of writing for this blog helps me to learn, to grow, and to more deeply absorb the teachings of my Gurus. I pray to the Goddess and to my Gurus for forgiveness for any mistakes I make a long the way.
Kṣamāsya. Please forgive me.
If you are totally self centered and fascinated with your own "story" and you go to someone to try and become un-self centered, probably one of the last things you want to hear them tell you is to write about yourself, publicly. I still feel like maybe Swamiji was playing with my desire for people to know about me, to know my story. Playing with my tendency to think MY story is more interesting, or less interesting for that matter, than anybody else's. (Maa said on the night of Holi in the kitchen, "Everyone has a story.")
As with everything that my Gurus suggest, in actually I enjoy working with this blog. It's a great way to reflect and to deepen understanding, and its also a nice release when you don't have anyone to talk to and you're not spiritually advanced enough to through all of your thoughts in the Divine Fire with a declaration of "svaha," "I am One with God!")
When I am writing on my screen, there is no one directly on the other side hearing the words. And part of me thinks not many people will read this at all, so I feel free just to write.
I pray to the Mother Saraswatī that the experience of writing for this blog helps me to learn, to grow, and to more deeply absorb the teachings of my Gurus. I pray to the Goddess and to my Gurus for forgiveness for any mistakes I make a long the way.
Kṣamāsya. Please forgive me.
Humility and Faith
I often thought about asking Swamiji what he felt was the most important quality for a spiritual seek to have. I had a hunch he would say humility. I guess I thought that because in my own path humility seems to be the umbrella factor. By that I mean everything seems to happen within the space of humility. When I am not humble I am lost and blind, wandering in circles. If I a humble I can learn, I can grow, I can love, and I can live in truth. For brief moments at least.
I seek humility. In the moments of humility, that's where I find my peace. That's where I find my connection to my Gurus.
You know the story of the Zen master and the scholar? The Zen master pours tea into a cup, the cup overflowers...and overflowers...andoverflows....until finally the scholar can't take it anymore and He says Stop! What are you doing!? And the Zen master says, "How can you expect to learn if you do not empty your cup?"
Well, when I first came to the Devi Mandir my cup was full. But I didn't even know it. I think a lot of the work Maa and Swami did with me at the beginning (and even now) was trying to get me to realize that I really don't know. Only then can they fill my cup with Divine Knowledge. A work in progress I guess.
So one day, while I was working on the new Devi Mandir website, I was looking at the spiritual questions and answers section. There was a question to Swamiji asking what is the most important quality for a seeker to have. Swamiji's answer? Faith.
Of course whatever a Guru's answer is to question can change according to who is asking the question and when they are asking it. Nevertheless, I think that any words spoken and any answers given by a realized being are worthy of attention and contemplation. So...faith.
I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and I found that to have faith was something that I really need in my situation. From the beginning I have felt a push and pull with Maa and Swami, particularly with Maa. On the outside it feels like She pushes me away. Often it feels like She just plain doesn't like me and doesn't want me around. I have a lot of self doubt...that I'm not good enough, that I can't do this, and that She's trying to tell me that. Trying to tell me not to bother, so turn around.
Sometimes I think it would be better if Maa just physically beat me. I think I would know that She was playing with me, trying to root out the ego (although who knows, maybe if it happened I would cry). But Her way with me now is so darn confusing on so many levels. The only way through it, and the only way through it with any semblance of grace and maturity, is to have faith. Faith in the Guru, faith in God, faith in myself, faith in all the unseen Sages, just plain Faith.
And keep going.
I seek humility. In the moments of humility, that's where I find my peace. That's where I find my connection to my Gurus.
You know the story of the Zen master and the scholar? The Zen master pours tea into a cup, the cup overflowers...and overflowers...andoverflows....until finally the scholar can't take it anymore and He says Stop! What are you doing!? And the Zen master says, "How can you expect to learn if you do not empty your cup?"
Well, when I first came to the Devi Mandir my cup was full. But I didn't even know it. I think a lot of the work Maa and Swami did with me at the beginning (and even now) was trying to get me to realize that I really don't know. Only then can they fill my cup with Divine Knowledge. A work in progress I guess.
So one day, while I was working on the new Devi Mandir website, I was looking at the spiritual questions and answers section. There was a question to Swamiji asking what is the most important quality for a seeker to have. Swamiji's answer? Faith.
Of course whatever a Guru's answer is to question can change according to who is asking the question and when they are asking it. Nevertheless, I think that any words spoken and any answers given by a realized being are worthy of attention and contemplation. So...faith.
I thought about this a lot over the next few days, and I found that to have faith was something that I really need in my situation. From the beginning I have felt a push and pull with Maa and Swami, particularly with Maa. On the outside it feels like She pushes me away. Often it feels like She just plain doesn't like me and doesn't want me around. I have a lot of self doubt...that I'm not good enough, that I can't do this, and that She's trying to tell me that. Trying to tell me not to bother, so turn around.
Sometimes I think it would be better if Maa just physically beat me. I think I would know that She was playing with me, trying to root out the ego (although who knows, maybe if it happened I would cry). But Her way with me now is so darn confusing on so many levels. The only way through it, and the only way through it with any semblance of grace and maturity, is to have faith. Faith in the Guru, faith in God, faith in myself, faith in all the unseen Sages, just plain Faith.
And keep going.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Om Namah Shivaya
This photograph is of one of my Shiva lingams. It was given to me by my first spiritual teachers when I was living in Vermont. They gave it to me for Christmas, and I cried when I received it. It was very special.
I call Him Premeshwar in honor of one of these particular teachers. I used to leave Premeshwara at home when I would go to spend days at the Devi Mandir. Often at the Mandir I performed Shiva Puja to Napeshwar, a large Shiva lingam located outside, about a 5 minute walk or so from the Temple. Maa and Swami translate Napeswhar as the Residence of Dharma. So after I performed puja in the Temple to the lingam that Maa (which I call Shanteshwar) I would walk down to Napeshwar and perform puja to Napeshwar.
In the Beginner Shiva Puja book there there is part of the puja after the purification of flowers in which you offer flowers (pushpa) to the gods and goddesses: Chandi (ete gandhapushpe om hrim chandikayai namaha), Durga, Brahma, and more. All aspects of creation.
One of the first times I went down to Napeshwar for puja I hear the pujari, at the end of that particular part of the puja, add on some mantras. In addition to offering flowers to all the deities that Swami wrote in to the puja book, he also offered flowers to Napeshwar (ete gandhapushpe om napeshwaraya namaha) and anyone else he felt like offering flowers to (saints, gurus, family, etc.)
So now I like to use that part of the puja to offer flowers to any lingams that I love and have a relationship but a not in physical proximity to, and the gurus to whom I feel connected.
Chandana and Chandi
Chandana is the Sanskrit word for sandlewood. During puja we offer chandana, and in Shiva Puja we use it to paint three lines onto the lingam.
If you've ever had anyone put a Sandlewood tilak on your forehead it feels really good. Sandlwood has very cooling and soothing properties, and a wonderful woodsy and aromatic aroma.
Swamiji says that the sandlewood represents "cooling wisdom." I have also heard that the three lines of chandana that Shiva wears on His forehead represent the three gunas, or the three qualities of nature: raja, sattva, and tama - becoming, being, and rest - creation, preservation, transformation. These three gunas are personified in the forms of three goddesses - mahasaraswati, mahalakshmi, and mahakali.
The vibrations of these three goddesses, these three energies, are embodied in and transmitted through the vibrations of the bija (seed) syllables of the goddess Chandi's mantra, which is also called the navarna mantra, or the nine lettered mantra (nava means nine in Sanskrit).
Chandi's mantra is om aim hrim klim chamundayai vicce. Aim is Saraswati's bija syllable, Hrim is Lakshmi's bija syllable, and Klim is Kali's.
All if this information is in Swami Satyananda Saraswati's Chandi Path book. In the Siddha Kunjika Stotram, the Song that Grants Perfection, towards the end of the book, Swamiji breaks down the syllables of the Navarna Mantra:
Om - The Infinite Beyond Conception
Aim - Creation, Rajo Guna, Energy of Desire, Mahasaraswati
Hrim - Preservation, Sattva Guna, Energy of Action, Mahalakshmi
Klim - Destruction, Tamo Guna, Energy of Wisdom, Mahakali
Camunda - The Slayer of Passion and Anger, Moves in teh head
Yai - The Grantor of Boons
Vic - In the Body of Knowledge; in the Perception
Ce - of Consciousness
In other words: "...the three gunas, energies, and Goddesses - Creation, Preservation, and Destruction - are in constant movement, transformation in the perception of consciousness" (Swami Satyananda Saraswati, Chandi Path, Siddha Kunjika Stotram)
The thing I find both amusing and kind of mind blowing is that this mantra, according to Swamiji's translation, is really stating the obvious. Things change. All the time. Swami says, "The nature of nature is to change."
If we can be like Shiva and watch Nature Herself, as opposed to Her fluctuations, then I believe that we can find the true peace. Because that peace won't go away...how can it? That peace is eternal, behind all the changes. The key is to not be attached. Easier said than done, I know.
Did you ever think to yourself, "Wow, I could choose to just not get bummed out about this. If I didn't let this bother me, then it wouldn't bother me"? I think the wisdom we are striving for is not just the knowledge that things change, but a total integration, understanding, and appreciation of truth so deeply that we are truly no longer attached to transient phenomena. Like Shiva.
So how do we become un-attached? Clearly that is a very deep inner process, and I think that this is exactly what all yogic scriptures are about, including the spoken scriptures of the living embodiments of God.
Neem Karoli Baba says "Love everyone, serve everyone, remember God." Maa says "Give more than you take." Krishna says, "Offer everything to me." The 180 verses of the Guru Gita tell us to serve our Gurus.
On that note, I am going to go chant the Chandi, hopefully remember God, and come one step closer to non-attachment.
Jai Maa!
If you've ever had anyone put a Sandlewood tilak on your forehead it feels really good. Sandlwood has very cooling and soothing properties, and a wonderful woodsy and aromatic aroma.
Swamiji says that the sandlewood represents "cooling wisdom." I have also heard that the three lines of chandana that Shiva wears on His forehead represent the three gunas, or the three qualities of nature: raja, sattva, and tama - becoming, being, and rest - creation, preservation, transformation. These three gunas are personified in the forms of three goddesses - mahasaraswati, mahalakshmi, and mahakali.
The vibrations of these three goddesses, these three energies, are embodied in and transmitted through the vibrations of the bija (seed) syllables of the goddess Chandi's mantra, which is also called the navarna mantra, or the nine lettered mantra (nava means nine in Sanskrit).
Chandi's mantra is om aim hrim klim chamundayai vicce. Aim is Saraswati's bija syllable, Hrim is Lakshmi's bija syllable, and Klim is Kali's.
All if this information is in Swami Satyananda Saraswati's Chandi Path book. In the Siddha Kunjika Stotram, the Song that Grants Perfection, towards the end of the book, Swamiji breaks down the syllables of the Navarna Mantra:
Om - The Infinite Beyond Conception
Aim - Creation, Rajo Guna, Energy of Desire, Mahasaraswati
Hrim - Preservation, Sattva Guna, Energy of Action, Mahalakshmi
Klim - Destruction, Tamo Guna, Energy of Wisdom, Mahakali
Camunda - The Slayer of Passion and Anger, Moves in teh head
Yai - The Grantor of Boons
Vic - In the Body of Knowledge; in the Perception
Ce - of Consciousness
In other words: "...the three gunas, energies, and Goddesses - Creation, Preservation, and Destruction - are in constant movement, transformation in the perception of consciousness" (Swami Satyananda Saraswati, Chandi Path, Siddha Kunjika Stotram)
The thing I find both amusing and kind of mind blowing is that this mantra, according to Swamiji's translation, is really stating the obvious. Things change. All the time. Swami says, "The nature of nature is to change."
If we can be like Shiva and watch Nature Herself, as opposed to Her fluctuations, then I believe that we can find the true peace. Because that peace won't go away...how can it? That peace is eternal, behind all the changes. The key is to not be attached. Easier said than done, I know.
Did you ever think to yourself, "Wow, I could choose to just not get bummed out about this. If I didn't let this bother me, then it wouldn't bother me"? I think the wisdom we are striving for is not just the knowledge that things change, but a total integration, understanding, and appreciation of truth so deeply that we are truly no longer attached to transient phenomena. Like Shiva.
So how do we become un-attached? Clearly that is a very deep inner process, and I think that this is exactly what all yogic scriptures are about, including the spoken scriptures of the living embodiments of God.
Neem Karoli Baba says "Love everyone, serve everyone, remember God." Maa says "Give more than you take." Krishna says, "Offer everything to me." The 180 verses of the Guru Gita tell us to serve our Gurus.
On that note, I am going to go chant the Chandi, hopefully remember God, and come one step closer to non-attachment.
Jai Maa!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
The Red Turtleneck
Some time ago in the fall when it just starting to become cold, I noticed that some of the disciples wore turtlenecks as an underlayer. I do not know why this struck me -- perhaps because I used to wear turtlenecks and a child and hadn't since. Or because I appreciate the modesty of being covered all the way up to your chin.
Either way, I had a specific desire for a red turtleneck. Maa wheres a bright yellow sari with a red border (she looks to me like Simhavahini, the one who rides on a lion...she even looks like the lion itself with long flowing mane and all, fighting from the depths of her heart against all adharma). But she used with wear a white sari with a red border, as did Sarada Devi and Anandamayi Maa. This type of sari is a traditional Bengali tantric sari. It symbolizes shiva (pure consciousness - white) and shakti (pure energy - red).
Verse 45 from the Guru Gita states: "Worship the pair of the Guru's feet with speech, mind, and illumination of consciousness. He illuminates the various colors, white and red, indicating the Supreme manifestation of Shiva and Shakti (consciousness and nature).
So I had a desire for a red turtleneck. The next evening after arati when I came back to my asana ater polishing some untensils I would a red turtleneck from Maa tossed onto my asana.
It was an interesting time to give me a gift, though. Maa was't very happy with me that evening. She had scolded me, telling me that I wasn't working from my heart. And She asked pointedly, "What are you doing here?" saying that if I did not want to be part of this spiritual family that maybe I should only come on weekends. She also told me, regarding me, "If I see one more negativity, our doors will completely closed to you."
This was more than 8 months ago. Now I'm booted from the ashram for 3 months. And I never have figured out that statement. I do have negativities....a lot of them....if I didn't, I probably wouldn't need a Guru. Sometimes I feel like She wants me to be perfect. Just drop all my negativity and be perfect right now.
The thought of doing that seems impossible and it totally freaks me out and I want to have a panic attack and cry. The thought of not doing it and turning my back on my Gurus is also difficult to swallow but in a less dramatic and much deeper way.
Swamiji says, "She wants it all."
Either way, I had a specific desire for a red turtleneck. Maa wheres a bright yellow sari with a red border (she looks to me like Simhavahini, the one who rides on a lion...she even looks like the lion itself with long flowing mane and all, fighting from the depths of her heart against all adharma). But she used with wear a white sari with a red border, as did Sarada Devi and Anandamayi Maa. This type of sari is a traditional Bengali tantric sari. It symbolizes shiva (pure consciousness - white) and shakti (pure energy - red).
Verse 45 from the Guru Gita states: "Worship the pair of the Guru's feet with speech, mind, and illumination of consciousness. He illuminates the various colors, white and red, indicating the Supreme manifestation of Shiva and Shakti (consciousness and nature).
So I had a desire for a red turtleneck. The next evening after arati when I came back to my asana ater polishing some untensils I would a red turtleneck from Maa tossed onto my asana.
It was an interesting time to give me a gift, though. Maa was't very happy with me that evening. She had scolded me, telling me that I wasn't working from my heart. And She asked pointedly, "What are you doing here?" saying that if I did not want to be part of this spiritual family that maybe I should only come on weekends. She also told me, regarding me, "If I see one more negativity, our doors will completely closed to you."
This was more than 8 months ago. Now I'm booted from the ashram for 3 months. And I never have figured out that statement. I do have negativities....a lot of them....if I didn't, I probably wouldn't need a Guru. Sometimes I feel like She wants me to be perfect. Just drop all my negativity and be perfect right now.
The thought of doing that seems impossible and it totally freaks me out and I want to have a panic attack and cry. The thought of not doing it and turning my back on my Gurus is also difficult to swallow but in a less dramatic and much deeper way.
Swamiji says, "She wants it all."
Friday, July 27, 2012
Reflections on Swami Satyananda Saraswati
I found this photograph of Swamiji online. I love it because it's feels so upclose, like you're right there with him. And his eyes are so kind and wise. Like he is your favorite grandfather with all the knowledge in the world.
He is the one you feel safe with, and you love to be at his feet. You feel protected there. Like nothing can harm you. You sit there contentedly soaking in the stories of ancient rishis and devas. Sitting next to him chanting Sanskrit is your favorite place in the entire world to be.
He is your Beloved Guru. He is a Seer, a Sage, a Risi. He is Shiva and He is Brahma.
Watching him on Shivaratri 2012, even being in the same room with him was just amazing. A truly life-changing experience. There was so much love coming off of both Maa and Swami. Just radiating off of them in continuous waves.
Swamiji was, as one devotee put it, "On fire." His chanting was so electrified. Him and Maa were putting it out all out there, givin' it everything they got. That's what it seemed like to me at least. Sanskrit infused with the power of realization, the sincerity of one-pointed focus, and inner absorption in the infinity and sanctity of Love. They were cosmic radio transmitters - transmitting vibrations into the most subtle regions of our minds, bodies, and souls in order to wake us up.
To watch him seated on his asana chanting the scriptures at the fire - the 1000 names of Shiva, the Rudrashtadhyayi, Om namah shivaya - was to watch Brahma seated on the lotus of peace. Absorbed into the cosmic reality. Expounding the scriptures with with the innate authority of the One who is the source of scripture.
Some months later I listened to Swami describe what it is that he says during the saṅkalpa part of the pujas (where you hold a flower with your left hand, cover it with your right, and state who you are, where you are, and what you're doing). There's a part in the saṅkalpa where you say your name and your sadhu family name (gotra). When Swamiji performs worship he says "Satyananda gotra ca Bhavesh gotra" (ca is the Sanskrit word for "and").
He said that he began to add in Bhavesh gotra when he was inititated into Sannyas, and that that part of his lineage traces back to Brahma.
To learn more about Swamiji, visit www.shreemaa.org/meet-swami-satyananda-saraswati/
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
STOP! There's an asura in this assembly.
I feel like I am never good enough. I feel my impurities and my weaknesses and my spiritual stupidity and laziness burning in the limelight whenever Maa walks into my room. Sometimes I feel like all She can see is my weakness, and that's what she responds to. Like she puts the magnifying glass on those parts of myself.
Sometimes I feel like I am a total fraud...an asura, a demon, who somehow snuck through the doors of the temple into the assembly of pure beings. But Maa sees me for who I really am....Mahisasura. The Great Ego.
Sometimes I feel like I am a total fraud...an asura, a demon, who somehow snuck through the doors of the temple into the assembly of pure beings. But Maa sees me for who I really am....Mahisasura. The Great Ego.
Monday, July 9, 2012
On Getting the Boot, Surrender, Durga, Ganesha, and the Guru
Wow. So I've been out here in California with Maa and Swami for about a year. So much has happened.
And I just got kicked out of the Ashram.
Maa told me to leave and not to come back for 3 months until after I got my substitute teaching license. It was funny timing. I had been looking for a job for a few months and if Maa gave me the instruction to leave just a few days earlier I would have gone back to Vermont..at least for a visit. I laded a job just a few days before She gave me the boot.
The week leading up to my getting the boot was one of the most intense weeks of my entire life. Maa really had me the in the fire. And then in the midst of the fire, I was supposed to be find peace. Supposed to Let Go. To Surrender.
In the midst of not getting the things I think I want so badly, and watching other people get them, She guides me to find where the real peace is.
That process of surrender is one that I am not well accustomed with. But I hope that that will change over time. I hope even in the near future. (Be careful what you wish for, right?)
A friend of mine did a Tarot reading for me the other day. The reading said that will power was not enough, I needed to find another way. I knew that. I've known that for a while. The dynamic of intertia and regression back into the egoistic and self-destructive patterns is too great. The darkness is too strong.
Part of me desires to grow in the spiritual path, to come closer to God, closer to Self Realization, to Liberation. But the other part fights so hard, impressively hard, against all that is good, holy, pure, and truly nourishing. It feels like a spiritual schizophrenia of sorts, and it is extremely painful and confusing. Swami says there is no shame in struggle. Right now, I am very happy to hear that.
Every day is a struggle. It feels like the battle of Chaṇḍī...the forces of duality (the asuras) against the forces of the devas (the Gods, the shining ones) every day. And to be honest, every day I feel like I lose. Most of the time I don't even put up a fight. Its been that way for about as long as I can remember. It feels too overwhelming, too hard to fight the darkness. So I just give up and I let it take over in the myriad of ways it manfiests....self defeating habits and tendencies, etc.
I like to coax myself into believing that this is okay that somehow I will just grow out of and become a sadhu, become perfect. But on the inside Maa tells me that I have to be strong and fight, that that's the way. I have to fight to stay at Mother's feet. She will come to my rescue, but I have to discipline my mind to GO TO HER.
If I am unwilling to do that then I believe that I do not belong in an ashram. At least not at the Devi Mandir. So in three months I have the opportunity to become a sadhu. Or at least the opportunity to make the decision to try. To make the SANKALPA to walk the path. To say NO to duality, NO to suffering, and NO to selfishness.....to the extent of my capacity. To the extent of my capacity. Not less than. That means no cop outs and no excuses. (I can't help but think, "Shit").
I think that Maa and Swami are doing everything in their power to wake me up. With the help of my Guru's I've found that if you can open up, even one little bit, to God's grace in the moments when your Guru is really scolding you or putting the fire stick to you, in those moments you can feel something bigger at work. Pure Love. Pure Goodness. You might not know that's what you're feeling, but at the very least it certainly feels different than if someone else sends an abrupt or harsh message your way.
Sometimes all it takes is the faith there there is a softness behind it all...the faith that God and your Gurus are actually rooting for you, praying to God to help you succeed. That faith can open the mind's perception to a new awareness of a most magnificent kindness, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement that is constantly and invisibly pushing you towards your goal. And this force, this consciousness, this...whatever you want to call it....has no desire for recognition or praise. That might be what I find the most amazing of all. It asks for no recognition.
It makes me think that if we can open up our hearts and our minds in times of difficulty that there is always this immense river of grace just waiting to flow into us...the trick is being ready and willing to receive it. And I think that's what spiritual practice teaches us to do.
I have been thinking a lot about Durgā and Gaṇeśa. Gaṇeśa is spoken of as the Remover of Obstructions or Obstacles, and Durgā is the Remover of Confusion (Durgam is confusion and Durgā is She who Takes Away All Confusion). I think our tendency as beings trapped in suffering is to think that this means that some forces from the outside will come to automatically remove all of our problems so that life is easy, smooth, fun, and altogether perfect in the way we imagine it should be. We get the job we want, the car we want, the house we want, the spouse we want, etc. etc. etc. I am starting to think that it's a little different than that. At least for those of us who yearn to grow spiritually.
I now think that Gaṇeśa Removes our Obstructions not on the outside, but the inside. Gaṇeśa is the Lord of Wisdom, and it seems to me that the spiritual wisdom illuminated by all of the great seers in every tradition is the wisdom of non-attachment and total acceptance...an acceptance of everything that comes our way, so fully, that it is to the exclusion of all selfishness. So I think that the Removal of Obstruction actually occurs with a shift of our perspective. We begin to see the so-called "obstruction" as an opportunity. An opportunity for spiritual growth. An opportunity to come a little bit closer to God in a real and palpable way. An opportunity to experience Divine Reality in whatever way the Divine Reality wants to express itself. Where's the obstruction? Instead of the obstruction we get an adventure. We get to take a ride with God.
Swami often reminds us of Maa's teaching to let go of our burdens and pick them up as privileges. I admit that whenever I hear that teaching part of me thinks "yeah, yeah, yeah..." and I push it to the side. Because I don't want to do it. My burdens feel like burdens. Why should they feel anything different? They ARE burdens. And their MY burdens! I think what Maa and Swami are saying is that it's precisely this way of thinking, this attachment to the idea of burdens, that produces suffering. It's totally self defeating. To truly let go of how "I" want things to be means that I could actually experience the real saṇtoṣa, the real contentment, because it would be a contentment that does not rely on external factors that are out of my control and that are bound to change (aiṃ hrīṃ klīṃ........mahāsaraswatī, mahālakṣmī, mahākālī......creation, preservation, transformation....the nature of Nature is change).
If I let go, truly let go, of my suffering, then I will not suffer. What a concept! So then my spiritual struggle lies in being willing to let go, being willing to surrender to that energy and consciousness of Pure Love that is always there as the underlying reality of all experience. Being willing to keep the mind with Durgā as instead of Durgam.
When I observe my own mind, I see my lack of surrender and how increased surrender to the DIVINE would be extraordinarily helpful.
The very moment that a thought of dis-satisfaction or suffering comes and I give it creedence, it takes me away from Pure Love and reinforces my identification with that suffering. Such thoughts bind the mind with the belief that suffering is somehow legitimate, somehow real, somehow necessary, and somehow helpful. As if by hanging on to our suffering we will actually feel better. Then the Guru comes and tries to help us let go of our suffering. And we don't like that. We feel, why are you trying to take this away from me?? It is MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SUFFER and by golly I am going to Suffer if it's the last thing I do!
And it is my right to suffer. Which is why I have to be the one to let it go. So in order to do that, even if its slowly, ever so slowly, the Guru helps me to learn that it actually does feel better to let go. That it is okay to let go of suffering, and that I have the power to do just that.
And with power comes responsibility. I am responsible for my own suffering, and I am responsible for releasing it. Even entertaining the thought that my displeasure is being caused by something outside of myself is an excuse, an immature way of viewing reality. Through spiritual discipline we take responsibility for this fact and purify the mind so that we can see reality through the eyes of love and surrender. [Hopefully I'll be able to speak more on this subject once I can really do i!]
Durgā is the one who overcomes Durgam, but it is our responsibility to actually throw our chips in with Durgā. She can take care of us once we surrender, but first we have to surrender.
And I just got kicked out of the Ashram.
Maa told me to leave and not to come back for 3 months until after I got my substitute teaching license. It was funny timing. I had been looking for a job for a few months and if Maa gave me the instruction to leave just a few days earlier I would have gone back to Vermont..at least for a visit. I laded a job just a few days before She gave me the boot.
The week leading up to my getting the boot was one of the most intense weeks of my entire life. Maa really had me the in the fire. And then in the midst of the fire, I was supposed to be find peace. Supposed to Let Go. To Surrender.
In the midst of not getting the things I think I want so badly, and watching other people get them, She guides me to find where the real peace is.
That process of surrender is one that I am not well accustomed with. But I hope that that will change over time. I hope even in the near future. (Be careful what you wish for, right?)
A friend of mine did a Tarot reading for me the other day. The reading said that will power was not enough, I needed to find another way. I knew that. I've known that for a while. The dynamic of intertia and regression back into the egoistic and self-destructive patterns is too great. The darkness is too strong.
Part of me desires to grow in the spiritual path, to come closer to God, closer to Self Realization, to Liberation. But the other part fights so hard, impressively hard, against all that is good, holy, pure, and truly nourishing. It feels like a spiritual schizophrenia of sorts, and it is extremely painful and confusing. Swami says there is no shame in struggle. Right now, I am very happy to hear that.
Every day is a struggle. It feels like the battle of Chaṇḍī...the forces of duality (the asuras) against the forces of the devas (the Gods, the shining ones) every day. And to be honest, every day I feel like I lose. Most of the time I don't even put up a fight. Its been that way for about as long as I can remember. It feels too overwhelming, too hard to fight the darkness. So I just give up and I let it take over in the myriad of ways it manfiests....self defeating habits and tendencies, etc.
I like to coax myself into believing that this is okay that somehow I will just grow out of and become a sadhu, become perfect. But on the inside Maa tells me that I have to be strong and fight, that that's the way. I have to fight to stay at Mother's feet. She will come to my rescue, but I have to discipline my mind to GO TO HER.
If I am unwilling to do that then I believe that I do not belong in an ashram. At least not at the Devi Mandir. So in three months I have the opportunity to become a sadhu. Or at least the opportunity to make the decision to try. To make the SANKALPA to walk the path. To say NO to duality, NO to suffering, and NO to selfishness.....to the extent of my capacity. To the extent of my capacity. Not less than. That means no cop outs and no excuses. (I can't help but think, "Shit").
I think that Maa and Swami are doing everything in their power to wake me up. With the help of my Guru's I've found that if you can open up, even one little bit, to God's grace in the moments when your Guru is really scolding you or putting the fire stick to you, in those moments you can feel something bigger at work. Pure Love. Pure Goodness. You might not know that's what you're feeling, but at the very least it certainly feels different than if someone else sends an abrupt or harsh message your way.
Sometimes all it takes is the faith there there is a softness behind it all...the faith that God and your Gurus are actually rooting for you, praying to God to help you succeed. That faith can open the mind's perception to a new awareness of a most magnificent kindness, compassion, gentleness, and encouragement that is constantly and invisibly pushing you towards your goal. And this force, this consciousness, this...whatever you want to call it....has no desire for recognition or praise. That might be what I find the most amazing of all. It asks for no recognition.
It makes me think that if we can open up our hearts and our minds in times of difficulty that there is always this immense river of grace just waiting to flow into us...the trick is being ready and willing to receive it. And I think that's what spiritual practice teaches us to do.
I have been thinking a lot about Durgā and Gaṇeśa. Gaṇeśa is spoken of as the Remover of Obstructions or Obstacles, and Durgā is the Remover of Confusion (Durgam is confusion and Durgā is She who Takes Away All Confusion). I think our tendency as beings trapped in suffering is to think that this means that some forces from the outside will come to automatically remove all of our problems so that life is easy, smooth, fun, and altogether perfect in the way we imagine it should be. We get the job we want, the car we want, the house we want, the spouse we want, etc. etc. etc. I am starting to think that it's a little different than that. At least for those of us who yearn to grow spiritually.
I now think that Gaṇeśa Removes our Obstructions not on the outside, but the inside. Gaṇeśa is the Lord of Wisdom, and it seems to me that the spiritual wisdom illuminated by all of the great seers in every tradition is the wisdom of non-attachment and total acceptance...an acceptance of everything that comes our way, so fully, that it is to the exclusion of all selfishness. So I think that the Removal of Obstruction actually occurs with a shift of our perspective. We begin to see the so-called "obstruction" as an opportunity. An opportunity for spiritual growth. An opportunity to come a little bit closer to God in a real and palpable way. An opportunity to experience Divine Reality in whatever way the Divine Reality wants to express itself. Where's the obstruction? Instead of the obstruction we get an adventure. We get to take a ride with God.
Swami often reminds us of Maa's teaching to let go of our burdens and pick them up as privileges. I admit that whenever I hear that teaching part of me thinks "yeah, yeah, yeah..." and I push it to the side. Because I don't want to do it. My burdens feel like burdens. Why should they feel anything different? They ARE burdens. And their MY burdens! I think what Maa and Swami are saying is that it's precisely this way of thinking, this attachment to the idea of burdens, that produces suffering. It's totally self defeating. To truly let go of how "I" want things to be means that I could actually experience the real saṇtoṣa, the real contentment, because it would be a contentment that does not rely on external factors that are out of my control and that are bound to change (aiṃ hrīṃ klīṃ........mahāsaraswatī, mahālakṣmī, mahākālī......creation, preservation, transformation....the nature of Nature is change).
If I let go, truly let go, of my suffering, then I will not suffer. What a concept! So then my spiritual struggle lies in being willing to let go, being willing to surrender to that energy and consciousness of Pure Love that is always there as the underlying reality of all experience. Being willing to keep the mind with Durgā as instead of Durgam.
When I observe my own mind, I see my lack of surrender and how increased surrender to the DIVINE would be extraordinarily helpful.
The very moment that a thought of dis-satisfaction or suffering comes and I give it creedence, it takes me away from Pure Love and reinforces my identification with that suffering. Such thoughts bind the mind with the belief that suffering is somehow legitimate, somehow real, somehow necessary, and somehow helpful. As if by hanging on to our suffering we will actually feel better. Then the Guru comes and tries to help us let go of our suffering. And we don't like that. We feel, why are you trying to take this away from me?? It is MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SUFFER and by golly I am going to Suffer if it's the last thing I do!
And it is my right to suffer. Which is why I have to be the one to let it go. So in order to do that, even if its slowly, ever so slowly, the Guru helps me to learn that it actually does feel better to let go. That it is okay to let go of suffering, and that I have the power to do just that.
And with power comes responsibility. I am responsible for my own suffering, and I am responsible for releasing it. Even entertaining the thought that my displeasure is being caused by something outside of myself is an excuse, an immature way of viewing reality. Through spiritual discipline we take responsibility for this fact and purify the mind so that we can see reality through the eyes of love and surrender. [Hopefully I'll be able to speak more on this subject once I can really do i!]
Durgā is the one who overcomes Durgam, but it is our responsibility to actually throw our chips in with Durgā. She can take care of us once we surrender, but first we have to surrender.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
My Sadhana
My sadhana currently consists primarily of sanskrit chanting. I chant with pranayama -- rhythmic breathing. I breathe in a mantra (silent repetition) and breathe out the sanskrit verses (chanted out loud). This is the technique of chanting that my Gurus focus on in their teaching. Swamiji talks a lot about "learning how to sit, how to chant, how to breathe." Sanskrit vibrations are very soothing and very divine. Sanskrit is a language that describes subtle states of consciousness; describes the intrinsic reality of existence. The words have multiple levels of meanings and each syllable has a meaning as well. It is one thing to intellectually understand a mantra, a word, a syllable, or the story of a scripture. It is another thing all together to begin to understand the inner meanings of what we are chanting - to attune to and absorb the vibrations of the mantra, and to watch our consciousness and our experience of life change accordingly. Swami says we become the mantra.
I think it's like adding a drop of blue into a glass of water. The water is our mind, the blue is the mantra.
I work primarily with the Guru Gita, Shiva Puja and Durga Puja. Pu = merit, ja = birth, and puja is the activity which gives to birthto merit. Swamiji says that the highest merit is the privilege to sit in the presence of God. Puja is the activivity that guides the mind into the presence of Divinity. It is a form of worship -- a guided meditation. When I sit for worship I generally worship murtis - statues that are representations of Divinity. I have two alters - one at the Devi Mandir and one in the room that I rent.
When I go to the mandir I sit in front of an alter of Ramakrishna, Shree Maa's Guru. There is a beautiful Ramakrishna murti that stands several feet high, and above Ramakrishna on the wall are two large framed photographs of Ramakrishna and Sarada Devi. On the alter itself there is a framed image of Chandi, a small shiva lingam (a stone from the Narmada river that is a symbol of Shiva) and a small Durga murti that Shree Maa gave to me when I first visited the Mandir. At my home alter I have a shiva lingam from my first spiritual teacher and a small murti of Shiva and Parvati sitting next to eachother from Shree Maa
I also like to incorporate Ganesh puja and the Sadhana Panchakam (Five Verses in Praise of Spiritual Discipline written by Shankaracharya, found in the front of Swamiji's Shiva Puja and Advanced yagna book) into my worship.
I feel that with the pujas I am worshipping the divinity that is both inside and outside of myself. Shiva is the Consciousness of Infinite Goodness (Maa says Shiva is Pure Consciousness), and Durga is She Who Removes Diffculties. She is a form of Shakti - the Divine Mother, Infinite Energy (Maa says Shakti is Pure Energy). She is a form of Parvati Mata, the divine consort of Lord Shiva. And she rides the lion - she is the ideal of the feminine, strong, beautiful, fierce, but also tender, gentle, and modest. I feel that the more I worship Shiva and Durga, the more I enhance and coax out these aspects of myself. It is like I am a big conglomeration of so many quailties, some negative and some more positive. Puja focuses attention on the divine qualities and thus magnifies them. When I bathe my shiva lingam, I bathe my own soul, I wash my own consciousness. My mind becomes more pure, more focused, more harmonious. More peaceful.
When I do puja in the morning, the whole day is better. I feel that I walk a little more with God. There is a lightness in my step, in my mind, in my heart. It's really nice.
I think it's like adding a drop of blue into a glass of water. The water is our mind, the blue is the mantra.
I work primarily with the Guru Gita, Shiva Puja and Durga Puja. Pu = merit, ja = birth, and puja is the activity which gives to birthto merit. Swamiji says that the highest merit is the privilege to sit in the presence of God. Puja is the activivity that guides the mind into the presence of Divinity. It is a form of worship -- a guided meditation. When I sit for worship I generally worship murtis - statues that are representations of Divinity. I have two alters - one at the Devi Mandir and one in the room that I rent.
When I go to the mandir I sit in front of an alter of Ramakrishna, Shree Maa's Guru. There is a beautiful Ramakrishna murti that stands several feet high, and above Ramakrishna on the wall are two large framed photographs of Ramakrishna and Sarada Devi. On the alter itself there is a framed image of Chandi, a small shiva lingam (a stone from the Narmada river that is a symbol of Shiva) and a small Durga murti that Shree Maa gave to me when I first visited the Mandir. At my home alter I have a shiva lingam from my first spiritual teacher and a small murti of Shiva and Parvati sitting next to eachother from Shree Maa
I also like to incorporate Ganesh puja and the Sadhana Panchakam (Five Verses in Praise of Spiritual Discipline written by Shankaracharya, found in the front of Swamiji's Shiva Puja and Advanced yagna book) into my worship.
I feel that with the pujas I am worshipping the divinity that is both inside and outside of myself. Shiva is the Consciousness of Infinite Goodness (Maa says Shiva is Pure Consciousness), and Durga is She Who Removes Diffculties. She is a form of Shakti - the Divine Mother, Infinite Energy (Maa says Shakti is Pure Energy). She is a form of Parvati Mata, the divine consort of Lord Shiva. And she rides the lion - she is the ideal of the feminine, strong, beautiful, fierce, but also tender, gentle, and modest. I feel that the more I worship Shiva and Durga, the more I enhance and coax out these aspects of myself. It is like I am a big conglomeration of so many quailties, some negative and some more positive. Puja focuses attention on the divine qualities and thus magnifies them. When I bathe my shiva lingam, I bathe my own soul, I wash my own consciousness. My mind becomes more pure, more focused, more harmonious. More peaceful.
When I do puja in the morning, the whole day is better. I feel that I walk a little more with God. There is a lightness in my step, in my mind, in my heart. It's really nice.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Swami Satyananda Saraswati
Monday, May 14, 2012
Ashtanga Yoga
How do you become a Sadhu? Better yet, How do you become a sadhu in 21st century America?
When I first came here Swamiji told me he wanted me to make up a curriculum for a course on how to become a sadhu. He said that he wanted the course to follow the precepts of traditional ashtanga yoga, or 8 limbed yoga. (ashta = 8, anga = limb).
In the modern day USA ashtanga yoga is often thought of as a type of yoga class. In the yogic tradition the physical posture, or asanas, are only one part of ashtanga yoga. The purpose of asanas is to put one's body into harmony so that it becomes possible to sit in one asana, or yogic posture, without moving. The yogis say that only then can the deeper states of meditation may be reached.
The 8 limbs of ashtanga yoga as described by Swami Satyananda Saraswati of the Devi Mandir are:
1. yama : Control your life by organizing your goals and priorities. (yama = to limit)
2. niyama : Creative a discipline for the attainment of your goals. (niyama = without limit)
3. asana : Put your body to harmony. Make a seat upon which to erect your discipline. (asana = seat).
4. pranayama : put your breath into harmony. (prana = life force, or breath, yama = to limit. Pranayama refers to breathing practices by which the yogi controls the breath, which in turn controls the life force and the mind.
(At the Devi Mandir we are trained to chant scriptures with pranayama. That means that you breath in while silently repeating a mantra and then breathe out a certain number of verses. In this way you are breathing in mantras and breathing out mantras, and your breath automatically becomes regulated by breathing according to a consistent number of syllables.)
5. pratyahara : Bring your senses inside. Stop looking outside, turn within.
6. dharana : Contemplation on 3 - the subject (perceivor), object (perceived), and the relationship between the two (subject and object). "I love you."
(I have heard dharana, as a degree of concentration, described in terms of water dripping from a faucet.)
7. dhyana : Meditation. On two. The subject and the object. The relationship is so intense, its intensely understood, it is beyond words, it does not admit a name. "I am you."
(I have heard this state of meditation described as a stream of oil from a pot - the flow of concentration is pure and uninterrupted. This is what it's like when you sit with Maa and Swami and watch them perform worship. Or watch them at anytime really. You sense a pure, uninterrupted flow of their energy towards the Divine.)
8. samadhi: The perfection of union. There's only One. (Sa = all, Ma = the measurment, Di = the mind. All is the measurement of mind, or mind is the measurement of all.)
"Those conversant with yoga know yoga to be the complete unity of the individual soul with its desired objective, the Supreme Soul. There are 6 enemies that cause obstacles in the path of union:
Desire, Anger, Greed, Ignorance, Conceit, and Jealousy. Destroying these enemies by the limbs of yoga [ashtanga yoga], the yogis attain to yoga." - From Swamijis video class on Chapter 7 of the Devi Gita
When I first came here Swamiji told me he wanted me to make up a curriculum for a course on how to become a sadhu. He said that he wanted the course to follow the precepts of traditional ashtanga yoga, or 8 limbed yoga. (ashta = 8, anga = limb).
In the modern day USA ashtanga yoga is often thought of as a type of yoga class. In the yogic tradition the physical posture, or asanas, are only one part of ashtanga yoga. The purpose of asanas is to put one's body into harmony so that it becomes possible to sit in one asana, or yogic posture, without moving. The yogis say that only then can the deeper states of meditation may be reached.
The 8 limbs of ashtanga yoga as described by Swami Satyananda Saraswati of the Devi Mandir are:
1. yama : Control your life by organizing your goals and priorities. (yama = to limit)
2. niyama : Creative a discipline for the attainment of your goals. (niyama = without limit)
3. asana : Put your body to harmony. Make a seat upon which to erect your discipline. (asana = seat).
4. pranayama : put your breath into harmony. (prana = life force, or breath, yama = to limit. Pranayama refers to breathing practices by which the yogi controls the breath, which in turn controls the life force and the mind.
(At the Devi Mandir we are trained to chant scriptures with pranayama. That means that you breath in while silently repeating a mantra and then breathe out a certain number of verses. In this way you are breathing in mantras and breathing out mantras, and your breath automatically becomes regulated by breathing according to a consistent number of syllables.)
5. pratyahara : Bring your senses inside. Stop looking outside, turn within.
6. dharana : Contemplation on 3 - the subject (perceivor), object (perceived), and the relationship between the two (subject and object). "I love you."
(I have heard dharana, as a degree of concentration, described in terms of water dripping from a faucet.)
7. dhyana : Meditation. On two. The subject and the object. The relationship is so intense, its intensely understood, it is beyond words, it does not admit a name. "I am you."
(I have heard this state of meditation described as a stream of oil from a pot - the flow of concentration is pure and uninterrupted. This is what it's like when you sit with Maa and Swami and watch them perform worship. Or watch them at anytime really. You sense a pure, uninterrupted flow of their energy towards the Divine.)
8. samadhi: The perfection of union. There's only One. (Sa = all, Ma = the measurment, Di = the mind. All is the measurement of mind, or mind is the measurement of all.)
"Those conversant with yoga know yoga to be the complete unity of the individual soul with its desired objective, the Supreme Soul. There are 6 enemies that cause obstacles in the path of union:
Desire, Anger, Greed, Ignorance, Conceit, and Jealousy. Destroying these enemies by the limbs of yoga [ashtanga yoga], the yogis attain to yoga." - From Swamijis video class on Chapter 7 of the Devi Gita
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Life at the Temple
Life at the Temple = WORK.
I work, and it feeds me.
It is actually a blessing to do any work here. Put one dish away, you are blessed. Polish a utensil, you are blessed. Scrub a toilet, you are blessed.
It's all purification and it feels really good.
If I am efficient in a day and work really hard - especially doing things like cleaning bathrooms, when I finally sit down in the temple after showering for evening arati my mind and body feel so clean. So purified, and so much more receptive to the vibrations of the Temple, to the vibrations of MAA.
I dont think that we have to purify because are bad. I think we have to purify so that we have the capacity (on a metaphysical level - in our mental and pranic bodies) to accept the blessings and the Divine Love that Mother showers down upon us.
I think that Kali comes where we like it or not - sickness, death, transformation, the thorns of life's path that make us humble. But I also think that in order for Kali to reveal to us the soul beneath the veil of the ego, that for that we have to be ready and willing to go through a very deep process. We have to be open to seeing the truth of our actions, our mind, our current state of consciousness, and egoistic tendencies in order to transcend. By looking them honestly and feeling the suffering rooted in the negativity I do believe that the seeds can be dissolved. I think of it as feeling the "sting of selfishness." When I feel that in an honest, true, and self-accountable way, I automatically want to move closer to unselfishness, to a state of non-suffering.
In my personal experience, my mind is NOT willing to look at the truths of my selfishness in my every day state of consciousness. She shell of the ego is just too hard - forged from the iron will of a buffalo determined to live life for itself.
Kali is the one who I trust to meet me where I'm at. When the Dark Night of the Soul comes and the Dawn of Mega Transformation is at hand, it is Kali who I meet.
Sarada Devi used to pray:
"Oh, Mother, let my mind be as pure as the moon." or
"Oh, Mother, even the moon has stains on it, but let my mind be stainless."
Selfishness is a disease.
The Way of the Yogis is the medicine.
Shree Maa and Swamiji are my physicians.
The Chandi is my story,
and Divine Mother is the Director of it all.
Mother, bring me deeper into my heart and closer to the inner sanctum of your sacred beauty.
You are the purest example of what I want my soul to reflect.
Kali, show me THE WAY.
Jai Maa.
I work, and it feeds me.
It is actually a blessing to do any work here. Put one dish away, you are blessed. Polish a utensil, you are blessed. Scrub a toilet, you are blessed.
It's all purification and it feels really good.
If I am efficient in a day and work really hard - especially doing things like cleaning bathrooms, when I finally sit down in the temple after showering for evening arati my mind and body feel so clean. So purified, and so much more receptive to the vibrations of the Temple, to the vibrations of MAA.
I dont think that we have to purify because are bad. I think we have to purify so that we have the capacity (on a metaphysical level - in our mental and pranic bodies) to accept the blessings and the Divine Love that Mother showers down upon us.
I think that Kali comes where we like it or not - sickness, death, transformation, the thorns of life's path that make us humble. But I also think that in order for Kali to reveal to us the soul beneath the veil of the ego, that for that we have to be ready and willing to go through a very deep process. We have to be open to seeing the truth of our actions, our mind, our current state of consciousness, and egoistic tendencies in order to transcend. By looking them honestly and feeling the suffering rooted in the negativity I do believe that the seeds can be dissolved. I think of it as feeling the "sting of selfishness." When I feel that in an honest, true, and self-accountable way, I automatically want to move closer to unselfishness, to a state of non-suffering.
In my personal experience, my mind is NOT willing to look at the truths of my selfishness in my every day state of consciousness. She shell of the ego is just too hard - forged from the iron will of a buffalo determined to live life for itself.
Kali is the one who I trust to meet me where I'm at. When the Dark Night of the Soul comes and the Dawn of Mega Transformation is at hand, it is Kali who I meet.
Sarada Devi used to pray:
"Oh, Mother, let my mind be as pure as the moon." or
"Oh, Mother, even the moon has stains on it, but let my mind be stainless."
Selfishness is a disease.
The Way of the Yogis is the medicine.
Shree Maa and Swamiji are my physicians.
The Chandi is my story,
and Divine Mother is the Director of it all.
Mother, bring me deeper into my heart and closer to the inner sanctum of your sacred beauty.
You are the purest example of what I want my soul to reflect.
Kali, show me THE WAY.
Jai Maa.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Transformation and Inertia
Transformation is a tricky thing. You say you want to change but your behavior
shows otherwise. You say you want to become
a sadhu, but you hold on tightly to the baggage of your past – physically,
mentally, spiritually. You say you want
to leave it all behind, but you are too attached to even know what that
means. Your insincerity is your
ornament. Soon approaching is the time
to make a serious change.
One can not stay around enlightened masters and say one
thing yet continue to do another. If you
want to lead a spiritual life then learn to be spiritual. Or go back and find your momentary solace in
the things of the world.
Not even my back stays straight now. Everything about me feels crooked. I am going to watch a movie, rather than sit
in front of my alter. How is that for
spirituality?
Friday, February 3, 2012
Maa is The Way
At Mandir.
Can hardly believe it's February. Time is going by so fast.
I have utterly no capacity to become a sadhu. None.
Maa is the only way. Dissolving. Letting Her take over. Letting Her make the journey inside of me. Only Her.
That is the only way. That is The Way.
Maa is The Way.
Can hardly believe it's February. Time is going by so fast.
I have utterly no capacity to become a sadhu. None.
Maa is the only way. Dissolving. Letting Her take over. Letting Her make the journey inside of me. Only Her.
That is the only way. That is The Way.
Maa is The Way.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Something about renouncing.
Shiva is Mahayogi. The Great Yogi. The Lord of Yogis. I don't think he ever allows self indulgence. Indulgence into the self. self-ish-ness.
Sometimes I feel so trapped in the lower chakras and trapped in my mind. Really bound, you know? It's a struggle and its a bummer. And the crazy part is that I watch myself do it to myself....it's like a bad addiction or something.
For a long time I have felt like there are two sides to me: one side is more sadhu like. Disciplined, determined, motivated, in love with sadhana, beautiful - the renunciate. The other side is a fool - lazy, full of bad habits, so selfish, would rather be anywhere but the altar, always running here and there. Running everywhere but the Here and Now.
I used to tell myself that all of the negativity would just fall away on it's own, but in my personal case I think that that line of thought is an utter cop out. It gives the ego an out -- an out that makes it okay for selfishness to stick around. I know I can't snap my fingers and all of a sudden drop all attachment and be enlightened. I know there's a natural process. But the whole way that Shree Maa relates to me seems to tell me that I have more power than I think I do. That I have a choice. That it is in my power to make the firm sankalpa to reach for perfection - for enlightenment - for Satyam Shivam Sundaram (Truth, Infinite Consciousness, Beauty). To reach for only that.
This would mean that throughout the entire day you're renouncing every thought and every action that pulls you away from Divine Perception? That would be like really living the Chandi. The mind would have to stay so focused.
To not dot it is to hang your head and cower back into the corner. To do it is almost more terrifying.
Mother, please bring our minds into focus and strengthen our will so that we may remain steadfast on the Path of Devotion. Let our mind, actions, and desires all be in harmony - let them all be pure, and let those three work together to bring us to the Highest Goodness.
Jai Maa. Jai Shiva.
Sometimes I feel so trapped in the lower chakras and trapped in my mind. Really bound, you know? It's a struggle and its a bummer. And the crazy part is that I watch myself do it to myself....it's like a bad addiction or something.
For a long time I have felt like there are two sides to me: one side is more sadhu like. Disciplined, determined, motivated, in love with sadhana, beautiful - the renunciate. The other side is a fool - lazy, full of bad habits, so selfish, would rather be anywhere but the altar, always running here and there. Running everywhere but the Here and Now.
I used to tell myself that all of the negativity would just fall away on it's own, but in my personal case I think that that line of thought is an utter cop out. It gives the ego an out -- an out that makes it okay for selfishness to stick around. I know I can't snap my fingers and all of a sudden drop all attachment and be enlightened. I know there's a natural process. But the whole way that Shree Maa relates to me seems to tell me that I have more power than I think I do. That I have a choice. That it is in my power to make the firm sankalpa to reach for perfection - for enlightenment - for Satyam Shivam Sundaram (Truth, Infinite Consciousness, Beauty). To reach for only that.
This would mean that throughout the entire day you're renouncing every thought and every action that pulls you away from Divine Perception? That would be like really living the Chandi. The mind would have to stay so focused.
To not dot it is to hang your head and cower back into the corner. To do it is almost more terrifying.
Mother, please bring our minds into focus and strengthen our will so that we may remain steadfast on the Path of Devotion. Let our mind, actions, and desires all be in harmony - let them all be pure, and let those three work together to bring us to the Highest Goodness.
Jai Maa. Jai Shiva.
Friday, January 13, 2012
GURU
Here is what I have to say about being with a Guru:
It is nothing like you can possibly imagine. The Guru is the one who takes you beyond the mind, who kneads you and stretches you. She pushes the limits of your consciousness. So how could you imagine?
I believe that everyone's path to enlightenment is different. And every disciple and devotee's relationship with the Guru will be unique. But no matter what form it takes, its all directed towards bringing you to your own Self Realization. And how she's going to do it...well, you don't really have a say! But it seems to me that it takes the most backward and strangely perfect route...made just for you.
I believe that true cave is in the heart, and and that the true yogis reside continuously in the cave. You can't just decide one day, okay, im going to live in a cave and be enlightened. Its a process, a long and winding journey. Sometimes you will romp joyously through the meadows. Sometimes you want to just curl in a ball under a tree and cry. The Guru, the Master, is the one who can guide you on the journey.
I believe that true cave is in the heart, and and that the true yogis reside continuously in the cave. You can't just decide one day, okay, im going to live in a cave and be enlightened. Its a process, a long and winding journey. Sometimes you will romp joyously through the meadows. Sometimes you want to just curl in a ball under a tree and cry. The Guru, the Master, is the one who can guide you on the journey.
I believe that being around Saints is so powerful because they reside in pure love, in a reality that is Divine. And they relate to us as Divine. They are in constant communication with the Divine Soul. They talk to our True Self. The Self that is ever pure, whole, and perfect. Untainted. True. Beautiful.
Krishna plays his flute and lures the Gopis into the forest. The snake charmers play the flute and the snake out of their our coil. Likewise, Gurus sing the song of pure consciousness and wake us up.
We will wake up. And we will become living, breathing, moving expressions of Divine Harmony, allowing the Song of Nature, the tune of the Guru, to flow through us. That is the Bhagavad Gita. The Song of God. There is no moment that is not part of Nature's Song. There is no breath that it is not part of Divine Creation.
Om Aim Hrim Klim Camundayai Vicce.
The Universe is constantly changing. May we live in constant harmony with the cosmic dance.
The Universe is constantly changing. May we live in constant harmony with the cosmic dance.
Jai Maa.
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